In the middle of a fight, my boyfriend of three years, Justin, broke up with me. I am almost 20 years old. He will be 21 in May. I thought we were going to be together forever. I guess not. I was jealous. He was distant. I gave a lot of love. He gave what he could. I get easily suspicious. He has a very flirty personality. We both voice our opinions without hesitation. Both our personalities became more powerful than our love for each other, and he said that he couldn't take it anymore and that though he cared about me and still wanted to be friends, our relationship was not healthy for us anymore. I agree, yet I still love him and wish we could work it out. He thinks we've tried and tried but nothing works. I'm so upset. I collected everything in my house that reminded me of him and put it in a big box for him to take away. I keep crying. I don't want this. We were so happy. I don't know what happened to us these last six months. I don't know what to do. This is my first break up from a serious relationship. I feel like I have lost a part of me. He will be here tonight. We broke up over the phone and I told him that he owed it to me to say goodbye in person. I want to show him that I am a strong person, because I am very weak and fragile. I want to show him that I will be okay, even though I don't think I will. I want to do it because I think it might hurt him a little, and it will show him that I'm very capable. I still love him though. What should I do? After tonight, how should I cope? Do you think it would be a bad idea to keep being friends with him?

[Ed]

Breaking up with someone is usually pretty painful. It's OK to feel hurt over this. You will probably also be angry as well as bitter and may have a really bad outlook on life in general. You'll be OK; you'll make it through this. These feelings will pass in time. It's hard to say how long it will take.

It's OK to want to be friendly about the break up and not wish anything bad on the other person, but it's going to be a while before you can "be friends" with each other. It would be best if you did not have any contact with each other for a while. It's going to be hard to do, but it will help both of you pick up and carry on with your separate lives. Just make as clean a break as you can and give yourself some time to get through the rough parts before trying to "be friendly" with each other.

I have friends right now that I sometimes don't talk to for six months or more before we take the time to catch up with each other. You two can do the same. How often friends are in contact with each other has nothing to do with whether or how much they care about each other. So don't think that because you guys are going to be friends about the breakup that you are going to have to talk to each other all the time. Just forget it for right now. That will only prolong the amount of time needed to get to feeling better.

No matter what kind of face we put on, we are all weak and fragile to some extent. After getting through this you won't be as weak and fragile as you once were. You will be tougher, but you don't have to be colder or more cynical, just smarter and more experienced. You're doing the right thing by showing strength in the face of disaster, but at the same time it's OK to feel hurt by these events. You are stronger than you think and you will make it just fine.

You will have to find some new things to do in the mean time. Spend time with friends and family. Find someone you can talk to about your feelings. Take this opportunity to find out new things about yourself. Explore! Try getting involved in social groups that have activities to keep you occupied while having fun. Look in your local newspaper for announcements about meetings or classes that you can become a part of like: fitness, art, volunteer organizations or dancing. It's going to feel awkward going out and doing things on your own, but make yourself do it! You'll be glad you did.

In the middle of a fight, my boyfriend of three years, Justin, broke up with me. I am almost 20 years old. He will be 21 in May. I thought we were going to be together forever. I guess not. I was jealous. He was distant. I gave a lot of love. He gave what he could. I get easily suspicious. He has a very flirty personality. We both voice our opinions without hesitation. Both our personalities became more powerful than our love for each other, and he said that he couldn't take it anymore and that though he cared about me and still wanted to be friends, our relationship was not healthy for us anymore. I agree, yet I still love him and wish we could work it out. He thinks we've tried and tried but nothing works. I'm so upset. I collected everything in my house that reminded me of him and put it in a big box for him to take away. I keep crying. I don't want this. We were so happy. I don't know what happened to us these last six months. I don't know what to do. This is my first break up from a serious relationship. I feel like I have lost a part of me. He will be here tonight. We broke up over the phone and I told him that he owed it to me to say goodbye in person. I want to show him that I am a strong person, because I am very weak and fragile. I want to show him that I will be okay, even though I don't think I will. I want to do it because I think it might hurt him a little, and it will show him that I'm very capable. I still love him though. What should I do? After tonight, how should I cope? Do you think it would be a bad idea to keep being friends with him? Breaking up is never easy, but your first major relationship is always the hardest. It is going to be very difficult and painfull for next little while. You must try to avoid him as much as you can and dont get into a pattern of breaking up then getting back togather it will only intensify the pain and prolong the inevidable. Do not, i repeat do not get involved in a another relationship as this will only create more problems for you. Try your best to get through this, talk to a good friend or councellor, cry a lot avoid drinking as this could cause severe depression. It will take time but it shall pass.

Hi Tear,

I'm so very sorry to hear about your break up. I think that under the circumstances, putting on a brave face is good but it is okay if you are visibly upset. I don't think that he is as strong as you think he is either and I am sure he is feeling this as much as you are right now. Yes, guys are different and they grieve differently than women do but they do feel the sting and pain like us just the same.

Be strong and try to look within yourself, I know it's not much insight to offer but I think that with time you will find a new source of strength inside you, maybe one that you thought you lost or never had. I promise, it does get better, you just have to give it some time.

Being strong when he comes by may not be the way to get a reaction out of him, and although you want to hurt him, deep down I don't think you do. I think you are just looking for some validation from him that this is painful for him too and believe me when I say it is don't worry. It's okay to feel sad and weepy and all that other crap that comes with this, it's only been a day, don't be so hard on yourself.

From your post I think you have a pretty clear picture of what went wrong so do yourself a favor and stop going over it in your head. Don't go over it anymore because in time you will realize it doesn't matter. The relationship is over and you need to start thinking about yourself and what you are going to do. Right now, the best thing I can tell you is to talk to friends and family about the way you are feeling. Three years is a long time to be with somebody and your heart isn't going to mend overnight. These things just take time.

I myself went through a very painful break up about four months ago. My ex and I dated for 8 years. I won't go into all the details but it was a very messy break up and it took a lot for me to try to move past it. But it's been four months (going on five soon!) and I managed to get up every morning and keep moving. THe biggest help for me was the support that I got through my close friends and my family. I was so stunned when it happened I didn't know what hit me. But then I realized that I was still here and still alive and nobody died, so that meant I had to keep going.

It was very hard to wanna get up in the morning and not think about him but I still did. And it didn't go away over night but it has begun to now. Try to relax and let things flow. Let your feelings go, feel sad if you need to and talk about it as much as you want to because this is your time to do that. There is also a community online- you can get to it through MSN- it's called Breakup survival. I recommend going in there and having a look around.

I did and I made a lot of new friends in there that have gotten pretty close to me and know exactly what I've been through. I know you don't want to hear this right now but I will tell you that time heals all wounds. It really does. In time you will start feeling better and moving on with your life.

If you want to talk I checke these boards pretty regularly so give us a shout and let us know how you are doing.

Marz

In the middle of a fight, my boyfriend of three years, Justin, broke up with me. I am almost 20 years old. He will be 21 in May. I thought we were going to be together forever. I guess not. I was jealous. He was distant. I gave a lot of love. He gave what he could. I get easily suspicious. He has a very flirty personality. We both voice our opinions without hesitation. Both our personalities became more powerful than our love for each other, and he said that he couldn't take it anymore and that though he cared about me and still wanted to be friends, our relationship was not healthy for us anymore. I agree, yet I still love him and wish we could work it out. He thinks we've tried and tried but nothing works. I'm so upset. I collected everything in my house that reminded me of him and put it in a big box for him to take away. I keep crying. I don't want this. We were so happy. I don't know what happened to us these last six months. I don't know what to do. This is my first break up from a serious relationship. I feel like I have lost a part of me. He will be here tonight. We broke up over the phone and I told him that he owed it to me to say goodbye in person. I want to show him that I am a strong person, because I am very weak and fragile. I want to show him that I will be okay, even though I don't think I will. I want to do it because I think it might hurt him a little, and it will show him that I'm very capable. I still love him though. What should I do? After tonight, how should I cope? Do you think it would be a bad idea to keep being friends with him?