My bf of 3 years left me because he believes something to be true that isn't..... and the situation is so impossible for me to refute that this stupid understanding cannot be repaired.
I was away on business for a week. While I was gone, I left a key with my friend to get my mail and use my place if she needed.
While I was gone she had her boyfriend over- and they left a condom in the waste paper basket in the bathroom- right on top in plain view.
I didn't notice it when I came home.... but my bf came over the next day and he went into my bathroom, saw the condom as was convinced I had cheated.
He left me place in a rage- didn't believe me it wasn't my infidelity.
I called my friend and she admitted she had been careless... and she called him on my behalf to tell him what happened. He didn't believe her and he thinks she is lying to cover for me. Her boyfriend also spoke to him- and he refused to believe him either because they are my friends.
It has been a week- and he won't speak to me. He came over one night to pick up his stuff and depsite my pleading with him to talk things out- he left and said he would never, ever talk to me again.
I just don't see this as recoverable.
I know this man- and I know he will not come back.
I'm in such shock. I can't eat or sleep and I burst into tears when I am at work thinking about this. I am a Lawyer- and I have to work with clients everyday.... and my work is suffering because I am so distraught.
Any suggestions at all on how to deal with this?
We were to be engaged this year and had made plans to get married in Mexico in the fall. We had a wonderful relationship.
Even I admit that the true story is too crazy to sound like the truth.
I don't know what to do. I have stopped calling him...I know it will do no good.
I'm at a loss as to what to do.
I can't imagine losing him over something that didn't happen.
Things like that only happen in movies.
I can't imagine what you are going through.
Maybe he just needs to cool off before having a discussion with a clearer head. If you two have a wonderful relationship- He may be more open to talking once he has had time to think.
I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. I had a somewhat similar situation- a huge misunderstanding that turned into the end. He refuses to really talk to me.
I wish I could give you advice about how I am getting over it, but it is really difficult. It is difficult to accept that someone who you were very much in love with- can't trust you enough to give you a chance to explain or reconcile.
Maybe for now just give him the space he needs. I did not do that at first, and I'm not sure if it was good or bad for him- but I know for sure that it was bad for me. He did not let me forget what happened and he made it very clear that he did not believe anything I said. It hurts a lot when you lose someone. It hurts even more when it is over because of something you have or they suspect you have done.
Just give yourself space. Let him cool down perhaps. However, I think that if someone who LOVES you can't even give you the time to understand your side of the story- what happens in the future if there was another great misunderstanding.
I'm sorry, but I disagree. I don't think that your story is THAT unbelievable. I've actually had a friend stay at my place and they left a condem wrapper under the bed. My gf and I found it and she was like..."Um, want to explain this?" - but I could tell she knew there WAS a reasonable explanation. I told her it had to be Ed's because he was staying with the dogs while I was gone and then we laughed about it. Has there ever been any reason for him to believe you would ever cheat on him? If the relationship has been solid and you've never given him any reason to mistrust you, I totally think he is the one being a jerk and overreacting. If you are in a serious relationship, you don't just walk out the door like that. You talk things out and you try your best to trust your partner. Seriously, if you are being straight with us and this is what happened and you always been trust-worthy, I think you are the wronged party here. I say you let him know that you are done trying to convince him and that you hope he comes to his senses soon because he is ending a relationship over a mis-understanding. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but if he doesn't come back and listen to reason, then he's not the kind of guy you want to marry because you never will know what he will end the relationship over next. Good luck. Sorry you are having a hard time.
Okay, that's a difficult story to stomach, but your friends backed you up so I don't see why your b/f would continue treating you this way.
If you still have the condom for some strange reason, you can always offer it to him to have lab checked, that it doesn't have any of your bodily secretions on it.
I think he's being a baby about it. He accused you of something untrue and now, can't man up and admit he's wrong. That's pretty piss poor, IMO.
You are a Lawyer right?? You can't come up with a "defense" strategy??
Your b/f is being a stubborn ****head if he doesn't believe you.
#1 You can PROVE you were out of town during the alleged "tryst".
You were away on bunsiness right?
#2 You have ALREADYb had your friend AND her b/f TELL him it was them.
Right now...if he refuses to budge all you can do is either wait it out or play hard ball. Tell him straight up you think he is being a jerk and that if this is his reaction you are better off. I mean what else can you DO if you're innocent?
I think eventually he'll cool down and realize he's being an ass.
Give it time......
Yes, I am being straight up. I loved him and had been faithful to him from day one.
He does have trust issues. His last gf cheated on him- and i know that is playing a part. He did have a touch of a jealous side- but never went too overboard.
In the whole 3 years together I've never seen him explode like that- the anger and emotion scared me. He truly believes I have cheated. I saw the hurt in his eyes.
I reasoned with him that didn't he think I would have hidden the evidence since I knew he was coming over that night. Wouldn't I be stupid to leave the condom there when I knew he was coming over?
We have a LDR- 2 hours apart.... we used to live together but he is in Grad school while I am beginning my career.... so we have been living apart for a while.
It just kills me that it is ending this way.
He should believe me... that much is true. Nothing like this has ever come up before. He just kept screaming- I can't believe you did this to me.
When he picked up his things the only repsonse he gave me was "you're a fu**ing liar".... That's all he said over and over.
I have never seen him like this.
Do I leave him to his space?
If I send him an e-mail I think he would delete it and not read it.
You are a Lawyer right?? You can't come up with a "defense" strategy??
Your b/f is being a stubborn ****head if he doesn't believe you.
#1 You can PROVE you were out of town during the alleged "tryst".
You were away on bunsiness right?
#2 You have ALREADYb had your friend AND her b/f TELL him it was them.
Right now...if he refuses to budge all you can do is either wait it out or play hard ball. Tell him straight up you think he is being a jerk and that if this is his reaction you are better off. I mean what else can you DO if you're innocent?
I think eventually he'll cool down and realize he's being an ass.
Give it time......
Yes, I am certainly skilled in the art of rhetoric....
But since the incident- he hasn't even been open to listening to me.
His response to my reasoning was to call me a Sophist.
He has never liked my gf that is involved in this. She has been single a lot during our relationship- and he has always considered her flashy single life to be a negative influence on me. Her relationship with this new man is recent. He does not see her as someone with credibility in this matter.
I am hoping he cools down. I have tried to use logic and reason to explain the situation... but his screaming and hanging up on me has made it difficult to talk to him. I can't reason with someone when they scream at me everytime I open my mouth.
I just can't believe this has happened. I was brokering a divorce this morning- and I had a hard time being professional- I even had to excuse myself so I could go to the bathroom and cry.
I just feel lost.
I wrote an e-mail but did not send it.
I fear he will delete it.
Honestly- we have had a great romance. Some bumps in the road- yes... but nothing that has come close to this. I have been faithful and good to him since day one - and him to me. Before I went on my trip we were lying in bed and he was stroking my face and telling me he'd never loved anyone the way he loved me. I keep thinking about that.
I am so sad.
Sorry if my post is convoluted- I have indulged in red wine this evening...probably more than I should have.
I think you need to appeal to his emotions. Is he sentimental?
Write him a heartfelt email.
Is he "detached".......keep it logical....
Basically speak his love 'language" whatever that may be.
I think from what you say here, he may have made up his mind.
So maybe just time and distance is what he needs.
He may be stubborn and need to realize on his OWN what an ass he is being. But it couldn't hurt to send a final email explaining your side of things before giving him space. I do think he will read it........even if just out of sheer curiosity.
Awww Mizz I feel for you.Nothing worse than someone NOT listening to you..when all you want to do is explain.
I believe with some time he will cool down.
If you DO email him...try to empathize with him.See things from HIS POV...
and tell him that. How you know he must feel...he is probably having a lot of raw emotions from the last girl who cheated in him..and lashing out at you.It's wrong..but understandable....
Just let him know you hope he will come around and you hope to hear from him...
This is a terrible situation.
His trust issues (re: previous GF) must be monumental for him to react like this.
Even still after 3 years together you would think your fidelity to him has been proven.
My only advise at this point as a previous poster stated is to ask him to have it tested (if you still have it) or perhaps have it tested yourself and provide him with the report, within that condom lies the truth.
It all depends on what you see as the best course of action now, although this display of lack of trust in you is something that will need to be addressed even if it is proven to him that you are not responsible.
His luck of trust in you is unfounded and i can only imagine what it is doing to your mind.
Good luck, please stay strong.
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Yesterday is yesterday, to try to recapture it - i will loose tomorrow.
Well, I decided to go see him this weekend...as a surprise.
I felt it really important to have a sit down with him and hammer this out.
Well, my plan back fired. I showed up and there was a car in his driveway.... and a woman answered the door. Apparantly he opted for revenge sex as a way of punishing me.
It made me sick to my stomach. The girl was yelling at him for using her- I was screaming at him and bawling my eyes out. I didn't stay long. I only told him what a monumental mistake he had made.
I had to pull over on the way home to throw up.
This man actually slept with another woman because he believed I had cheated on him.
It just makes it worse that this whole stupid thing was a misunderstanding. It's too late now. There is no turning back. He has called several times- and now it is me that is not answering.
I am so numb from all of this I don't even know what I am feeling.
How could this happen.
Wow. That's pretty bad - I don't blame you for feeling sick. It's not just that he slept with someone else but it's the fact that he was so reactive and impulsive. Not great qualities for a life-long partner. Good for you for not answering. In my opinion, he has a lot of growing up to do and he needs to get some help in resolving conflict. Unless he does this, I wouldn't go back. I'm sorry.
Wow, this does sound really bad. I was going to write that he could have been in rixa, little lawyer term there for ya! But now he does this. Well, i'm a guy who has been cheated on before and I have had some trust issues with people, gf and friends, but after three years i would have been able to fully trust someone.
The thing i guess you really have to do now is firstly keep your cool and heal up first, I wish there really was things in the world called medi-kits but there ain't!! Then you have got to ask yourself the question - Is the juice worth the squeeze?
You and your friends explained everything to him, and he just wanted to give up like that after 3 years. It sounds so harsh. If I was, based on your threads, this guy I would have maybe have left, propably not though, and calmed myself down and then came back and been sorry for acting like a fool. I feel really sorry for you, especially starting out in a new, very hard career and this has happened, especially that it is effecting your work.
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