[jdeedee]

Today was a pretty eventful day. I had my therapy session, went to a CoDA meeting and more. I have a bunch of things going on in my head so this will be long but oddly a lot more positive than my past threads.

My therapist gave me the OK to send my ex a birthday card. I found an amazing card today shopping, her favorite colors, a very loving and thoughtful message inside. I wrote in "Happy Birthday Ex, enjoy the special day. - JDD" It's sent out and I think the sentiment is right. The message I added is a bit neutral but the message on the card is very good so I am happy about it.


CoDA was a bit... out there. I am not sure if I want to go again, and I might just be using this as an excuse or scaring myself away. I don't know if I really need a 12 step program to deal with my emotions. They said at the meeting to come to 6 meetings before deciding if CoDA is right for you, so I am going to try that.


Disaster of the day: My ex got a puppy for her birthday. I know this from Facebook (she updated her status to say "Taking a nap with my new puppy." This really saddens me a little for a few reasons.

I wish I was with her to share this new experience. It kind of saddens me to know she is replacing me with an animal.

...but at the same time, and you can all laugh at me for it -- I wanted to get a puppy before I even knew she was getting one. I have no one to love in my life and nothing to come home to. I wanted to have a pet to love and cherish as my own.

So it's weird, she is replacing me with a pet, the same way I wanted to do for her. A coping mechanism, something else to love and cherish and bring you up and sleep with.

I wish I could afford a pet.


All in all I am pretty satisfied with how my day went. I'd love to hear some thoughts on the entire thing. Very very happy today and think I progressed a lot.

[jdeedee]

And how quickly the tables turn.

I am really not over her yet, all of a sudden I am crying. How is it that I can feel so guilty for being happy for once that I start crying.

I want to experience new things with her. It saddens me that she is having a life without us. I am trying to move on so hard, going to therapy, meetings. I am majorly depressed sometimes and can't help but feel like she just flipped a switch and is over me.

It is hurting, I need a support system in real life. I need friends and I don't have any, I have my best friend and that's it and thats not enough. I need a group of people to have fun with and begin healing around.

I am so confused now. I was fine literally 30 minutes ago.

[Leia]

What makes you think she's replacing you with a puppy? It could be that she has always wanted a puppy. Maybe she just loves animals. She has moved on and you should too! It's not easy, nothing is easy but s*** happens and you gotta pick yourself up and move on.

[jdeedee]

It was a selfish thought. She is a pet oriented person and it is one of the things I really miss about her. Lots of dogs, cats, birds, in the house.

Deep down it made me feel a little good that she was getting a puppy for her birthday, maybe like she was using it to help her feel better about the breakup.

But thats just what I want an animal for, something to cuddle and channel my love to.

[Leia]

Originally Posted by jdeedee

It was a selfish thought. She is a pet oriented person and it is one of the things I really miss about her. Lots of dogs, cats, birds, in the house.

Deep down it made me feel a little good that she was getting a puppy for her birthday, maybe like she was using it to help her feel better about the breakup.

But thats just what I want an animal for, something to cuddle and channel my love to.

Is there an animal shelter nearby your house? You can adopt one. I don't know where you're from but where I am, we have an animal shelter here that works without profits, you can adopt and bring one home for free. It's actually run by my uncle and the cats/dogs are stray ones which we bathe them and keep them well fed and taken care of.

You can always just pick one up by the road side or something since you can't afford one right now. Give it the love that no one else is giving. Just a thought.

[SmileyFace82]

Hey man, i know how you are feeling...

The thing is, who knows how she is feeling right now? I assure you, there will be a time in her life where she will be thinking about you and what she had with you but it may not be right now. On the other hand, she might be thinking about you right now, but on the face of it she appears to be happy and moving on. You don't know and you will probably never know. You shouldn't really concern yourself with her for the time being. Just focus on yourself and do as much as you can to move on with your life. I don't know the history of you and your ex and the circumstances involved in your break up, but you can't stay at the same place.

Not having friends is a bit of a bail out. I used to use that excuse too when i broke up with my ex, but basically what i was doing was waiting and hoping for people to invite me out or people to help me with my situation. It's up to ourselves to go out and meet new people. There is nothing stopping you from meeting new people. Join a club, take up a hobby...whatever it takes.

I switch my moods very easily too... but whenever i feel like missing my ex i remind myself that EVERYTHING was not rosy...there were bad times and if i do get back with her, would i really be happy? i'd rather find someone who loves me for who i am.

[Ronni_W]

Hey, JD!
Thanks for the update -- I was thinking of you . I'm glad you're happy and feeling good about your progress. (There will be some 'backslides' like you experienced but so what, huh? -- overall still a great day for you!)

I like that you wrote a more neutral note in the card -- I'm sure it's like you said: combined with the pre-printed message it's likely a good 'overall' sentiment.

Yeah, I guess the CoDA thing could have been a bit overwhelming --smart idea to keep going until you know what's what.

It's amazing how expensive it can be to keep and care for a pet! I don't have any but a g/f told me she spent $800 on some vet's bill -- totally threw off her budget.

Okies -- have sweet dreams and another really good and happy day tomorrow . BFN.

[sedgwick]

I will tell you right now that what has gotten me through this breakup, more than anything, is my cat (aka the KittenPig.) I found the KittenPig five years ago behind my best friend's tattoo shop. There was a litter of abandoned kittens -- six in all -- and three of them had already frozen to death. I took the other three, who were barely alive, and bottle fed them all. The KittenPig was only a few hours old when he came into my life. He fit into the palm of my hand and still had his umbilical cord. I took the three (barely) surviving kittens to the vet, and the KittenPig was the weakest. The vet said, "I really don't expect this little black one to live through the night." So I sat up all night long holding the KittenPig against my chest and feeding him sugar water out of an eyedropper. I promised him that if he lived I'd keep him. (The other two lived also and eventually went to live with one of my students-- I was teaching college at the time.)

Fast forward to now: the KittenPig weighs 13 pounds. He is a big black panther who thinks he owns the universe. He has never known anything but total love and affection. When I fall asleep at night, I hold him in my arms. When I wake up in the morning, the KittenPig instinctively knows it, and he chirps and jumps up on my chest and settles in and purrs. He loves apples more than life itself, so he's gotten them as a treat almost every day since the breakup. This is because if nobody else will give me the love eyes, at least the KittenPig will if I give him apple slices. If only it had been that easy to make my ex love me!

Moral of the story: it cost me nothing to bring the KittenPig into my life. (Well, except for kitten formula. The vet didn't even charge me for visits because he was so happy I was willing to bottle-feed them and not trying to dump them off on him.) He's the closest thing I'll ever have to a child. I would honestly throw myself in front of a train for the Pig. Even as I type he's rolling around under my desk giving me the upside-down head of loooooooove.

I highly recommend a KittenPig of one's own.

On another note, keep doing what you're doing. It'll pay off. Working on yourself always does.

[Lee725]

Hi JDD, i am sorry that you are feeling the up's & downs, i don't know about you but just reading Sedg's post about kittenpig makes me want one!

Some people might be grossed out by this but they say a well bred rat can be as affectionate as a dog.
(don't know how you feel about rats).
I am only mentioning this because they would be really cheap to keep.
Just a thought.

Keep your chin up my friend.

[jdeedee]

Thanks for all the replies people. I need to just keep living day to day. It's so hard to get through this on my own. My roommate brother bestfriend whatever doesn't care about whats going on because he didn't like her so he's just happy she's gone.

Me, I know we had troubled times but I am just so lonely and hurt for companionship. I'm getting up every day, eating right, trying to exercise (be it a walk or moving heavy objects at work all day) but my mood still tends to go towards the negative

More than anything I'm lonely. I want someone, some thing to love and be loved by. I guess that's what codependency is in the end. It really makes me sad.

I hate being jealous of my ex. I'm jealous that she has a support system around her that I lack. I have no clue how hard she took the breakup but I know that if it was hard for her she has her pets, her mom and dad and family, her best friend (who I am jealous of, too -- he gets to see her every day, be loved by her family, he gets to replace me ). They all live near or with her and I feel like its so unfair.

How selfish is that? I just want someone to hug me in the morning or someone to hug. I'm really lonely. I know it takes time to get through this and I'm trying, I really am. I feel broken that I have to go to a 12 step program to get over an ex, it really doesn't make me feel good about myself. I am ashamed.

I wish I didn't have so much self pity. I wish I loved myself more

[Confused9]

You can change the way you think and feel about yourself. You need to participate in positive self talk. That will really help you turn around the way you feel. My therapist told me postive thinking turns in to positive feeling.

I know it's hard but you can do it. You need to move on. No one is going to love you unless you love yourself. You have this oppurtunity to get to know yourself and start living for you. You are in control of your own life...so your happiness and life is in your own hands. Run with that freedom!!!

In terms of the pet. Go to a local shelter. It is free to do so and it will help you feel better. I have a cat, my x and I shared him and I got the cat and I would be lost without him. He is the best thing. I cuddle with him and I know he loves me unconditionally. His phone and cat litter aren't really expensive either. You can make it work.

I know what it's like to feel like you have no support. I really don't either. My family is a mess and my friends have their own stuff going on, but...you can do this. Some people can suprise you when you are down.

It does get easier. It's hard still, but the heartbreak changes to confusion to sadness to more confusion and so on. It's a rollercoaster and it's lonely...but in the end...there are bigger and better things for us!

[ElvenPriestess]

Originally Posted by jdeedee

T
I'm getting up every day, eating right, trying to exercise (be it a walk or moving heavy objects at work all day)

More than anything I'm lonely. I want someone, some thing to love and be loved by.

I'm jealous that she has a support system around her that I lack.

I wish I didn't have so much self pity. I wish I loved myself more

Well kudos on the eating right and exercising. Steps in an upward direction right there.
Everyone wants to be loved and have some one to love. There's a spot in our hearts and souls that isn't entirely complete otherwise.

You don't lack a support system, you have a counselor you see right? And when in doubt there's all of us on LS!

And you will learn to love yourself as you should. It may take time, but you will learn. It is so important to get to that point. Love yourself and you can love others. You'll feel a satisfaction and new completion in this that you didn't feel before. Have faith in yourself.

[Ronni_W]

Hey JD.
You're making really good progress -- you've been feeling that within yourself. That is something positive you can keep reminding yourself about. Similar thing with taking care of your physical health. And you're taking care of your emotional health, too.

Positive self-talk is about telling yourself things that are true, that help you feel encouraged and good about yourself. Some people think it's about walking around blowing smoke up your own butt, "I am so great...the world is so wonderful." That doesn't work because your conscious and subconscious minds are smarter than to believe what isn't true for you.

So. Instead of, "I hate feeling jealous" you can turn it into, "I want to stop feeling jealous." You can say, "I feel lonely right now but I know that feeling will change at some point."
(It's not about denying/ignoring what you are feeling, but framing a current undesirable situation so that you also allow space for the improvement that you KNOW is coming.)

Some of your negative self-talk is that you're seeing yourself like a car or a toaster -- something that can be broken and/or replaced. Human beings are not appliances...we do not get "broken". We are unique, so we cannot be replaced.

Our feelings get hurt, our bodies may become diseased, our minds may wander from totally productive thinking BUT none of that means WE are "broken".

When you pet gets injured or sick, would you EVER say, "My dog is broken"? It's the same, about people.

You don't sound "selfish", either. It sounds as if you are just finding ways to cope with your hurt and disappointment. CoDA is going to be helpful, I think, because you got what codependence is, after just one meeting. Some people struggle for a lifetime to get to that same understanding.

Now, repeat after me: "I want to have a positive mood. I choose to find positive things to think, say and do. I attend CoDA meetings for my personal development. I am progressing faster than I expected. I am learning to love myself."

You really are doing great, JD. Your efforts will NOT go unrewarded.