Hello folks, I'm new here, but I'm just looking for unbiased opinions on a situation I'm in at the present time.
I have been married to my present wife for 8 years, and we have a wonderful relationship in general. We have a lot of the same interests and spend a lot of time together doing the things we both love.....except for sex.
It all started when we had our first child. She put on extra weight, and got REALLY bad stretch marks on her tummy. After the childbirth, she really never did anything to help with her bodily appearance. She got into a few excersize routines, but never stuck with anything for any length of time. I overlooked it for a while, but I found that the sexual attraction I had for her wasn't the same after that. 4 years later she had our second child, and nothing has really changed.
Over the last few years she has brought up our sex life every 6 months or so, but I've never had the heart to tell her I just wasn't as physically attracted to her any more. I guess I made up every excuse in the world but the truth to avoid hurting her feelings. Recently, she brought it up again, and this time I decided to tell her the truth. Well, that was the wrong thing to do evidentially, because now she's severely crushed. I dearly love my wife and children, and have never even thought about cheating on her. I could never see myself with another woman. I now wish I never said anything, but I couldn't keep this bottled up inside me for the rest of my life. I now feel like a little shallow piece of dirt, and I don't know where to begin to patch this one up. Help???
Over the last few years she has brought up our sex life every 6 months or so, but I've never had the heart to tell her I just wasn't as physically attracted to her any more. I guess I made up every excuse in the world but the truth to avoid hurting her feelings. Recently, she brought it up again, and this time I decided to tell her the truth. Well, that was the wrong thing to do evidentially, because now she's severely crushed. I dearly love my wife and children, and have never even thought about cheating on her. I could never see myself with another woman. I now wish I never said anything, but I couldn't keep this bottled up inside me for the rest of my life. I now feel like a little shallow piece of dirt, and I don't know where to begin to patch this one up. Help???
Lead by example friend!
If you wish her to change... remove the things that impede her... provide positive re-inforcement.
In other words, make sure she has time to excersize. Encourage her to do so with positive words. Jog together... walk together, whatever it takes.
I now feel like a little shallow piece of dirt, and I don't know where to begin to patch this one up. Help???
There are two things you can do:
1) Help her feel good about herself, which include:
a) complimenting her for no reason on her personality and certain look (eyes, hair, legs, etc.)
b) help her get fit healthy without hurtful. Don't buy her or tell her to get a gym membership, but do someting together such as biking together, taking long walk together, etc.
c) appreciate her by actions and not just compliments. Help her with housework that you would normally not do.
d) you get the idea...and come up with your own d, e, and f.
2) Start making moves on her physically. Initial kiss, hugs, sex often.
Pity that the one superficial reason that comes over in your post, about loving your wife, is how ugly she now is in your eyes.
No mention of what a wonderful mother she is... no mention of the hard work she's put in to bringing your kids up.... no mention of how tiring and stressful being a mother, whose esteem is already low (you think SHE hasn't noticed her body?) is?
Are you still the shockingly gorgeous adonis she fell in love with?
And i notice you managed to put your aversion to one side for long enouigh to have a second child.
I actually do understand your point, but I think you really need to re-evaluate your own position in this.
If all you see when you look at your wife is yuk.... what does she see?
Maybe you need to take a good look in the mirror.
I have just read my partner your post, and he says in his opinion an awful lot of men do have double standards... after a while, they get the beer-belly and the double chins, but still expect their wives/GFs to look a million dollars...
we both constantly see couples out together... the women have obviously made some effort and look ravishing... the standard outfit for most guys is trainers and jeans... 'shirt' is lucky and.... what the hell is a tie, anyway...?
You need to go back to her, cap in hand and go for the grovelling apology. Tell her you were thoughtless, tactless and superficial.
Why don't you enter a joint programme of keep fit and look good?
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
have double standards... after a while, they get the beer-belly and the double chins, but still expect their wives/GFs to look a million dollars...
Especially after pumping out two children...
Go apologize to your wife, tell her you love her.
The others are right, so do everything possible to make things right again with your wife. Somehow you HAVE to try your best not to focus on her weight and how her belly looks. Just keep in mind that you two created TWO children, which she carried into this world...Put yourself in her shoes for a moment, maybe you'll understand how hard it is to lose weight, let alone maybe have some sympathy that SHE may not be too pleased with how she looks..Doesn't help to have a husband that is turned off either...Be positive, encourage her and make her feel special and loved. AND attractive!
My husband tried this with me. Sadly it hurt us deeply. Eight yrs later we are still repairing this. Now the difference In my case my HUSBAND was the one that had the problem. You see I was ok with who I was. Now my husband had a "perception" of how i should look. After much soul searching on my husbands part we came to learn this was something that from early in life he was having a problem with. Please know when you say or think your wife should change how she is, just maybe its you that needs to do the changing.
I think you need to look deeper and see that the hurt you have caused just may be what pulls your wife further away and that the change you seek may be one you will regret.
Well, often one of the things that attracts us to our partners is what we find attractive to the eye. Of course it shouldn't be EVERYTHING...but it WAS part of what drew us together initially. Same as the type of personality they had, their views on life, the way they behaved and the opinions they had, their ethics and morals. If any of those other things drastically changed, we'd probably not be too impressed either.
Ever hear people say that a person has changed over the years, they used to be a bubbly and optimistic person but somehow evolved into someone who is jaded and bitter? Those things aren't attractive either. But as soon as somebody mentions physical appearance, the whole world jumps on him.
You like what you like to a certain degree. Doesn't matter how WONDERFUL somebody is in all sorts of aspects, if they don't appeal to you physically then I don't think the relationship is going to be long lived. You CANNOT manufacture sexual attraction.
Now MM has only commented on stretch marks. When a belly gets stretched that much, it gets stretch marks unless you have lucky genes. Is that the only 'visual' problem you have? Or are there other things too?
Oh and I always think honesty is the best policy. Otherwise you are just gaslighting your partner.
I've read everyone's post, and here's my take. I think NickL had it down good when he said the reason for telling her was in hopes for a change by her. Wanting her to lose weight or whatever by telling her what you did. But when you knock some one who is already down, it's usually pretty hard to get back up again.
As the other posts have said, if you don't think she is attractive, she probably feels the same way about herself too. So why would you, again, kick some one when they're down? Why didn't you try asking her how SHE feels about herself? It might not be a bad idea to want to understand her feelings about herself.
I wouldn't say you're sorry to her for what you said, because it was obviously the truth of your own feelings. Instead I would apologize for the way you went about it. You are making this, and I've used this before, you versus her and the attraction issue. It needs to be you AND her versus the attraction issue.
From this you need to say "Hey hun, can we go to the gym tomorrow night?' That's WE go to the gym, not YOU go to the gym. Her esteem will be worsened by what has been said, and the damage is there. You need to repair the damage, repair her image with her of herself, and be on her side. Be a team, and if you're gonna point out one thing you DON'T like about her, the rule is you point out TWO things you DO like about her.
Example of a sandwich:
"Have I told you how pretty your eyes are lately? Let's start biking together, I'd like us to stay in shape like we used to. I love the way you did your hair today."
Best of luck.
__________________
I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!- Kramer
Now getting back to what people think is important..if MM1000 had said Honey I don't like your pessimism about life any more...would she have been so offended and wounded?
Perhaps the 'deep wounds' we feel are really more about what we really think about ourselves anyway yet somehow want to blame somebody else for.
MM1000...are you the SAME guy you were when she fell in love with you? Be honest.
Now getting back to what people think is important..if MM1000 had said Honey I don't like your pessimism about life any more...would she have been so offended and wounded?
No, and you know why because the attack and focus is the pessimistic outlook, not as directly HER. And the approach is something much less offensive in nature.
You are right, that these sorts of wounds really ARE what we think of ourselves. And in those cases what those people need is support, encouragement, the RIGHT kind of encouragement. Let's say she's overweight, not as thin as she once was. This bothers her.
So hearing "You're overweight." That's salt in the wound. But letting her know that you understand her feelings and you have faith in her that she can overcome anything (by saying this you encourage her that you believe in her ability to lose the weight but with greater care) it will lift her up. And she needs to be lifted before she can help herself.
Go to her and tell her how much you truly love her and that is WHY you kept it in so long and that you really want her and will HELP her with it. Work out with her, get sweaty and nasty and then f---- her brains out. Look, we all have flaws with our bodies, I know I do....I want bigger boobs, but you know what, that does not make me attractive or unattractive.
My mom, who was and still is a BEAUTIFUL woman. When I was a teen, my boy friends LOVED to look at my mom....well, she was in love and dated the ugliest FAT man you could imagine. I asked her why she was attracted to him and loved him so if she could have whatever she wanted....she said I love him, not what he looks like. He is good to me and we have fun together......they were BEAUTY and the BEAST for real ! So, you see it is all in your head......if you must, close your eyes and imagine what she looked like before....as long as you are thinking about her !
Hello folks, I'm new here, but I'm just looking for unbiased opinions on a situation I'm in at the present time.
I have been married to my present wife for 8 years, and we have a wonderful relationship in general. We have a lot of the same interests and spend a lot of time together doing the things we both love.....except for sex.
It all started when we had our first child. She put on extra weight, and got REALLY bad stretch marks on her tummy. After the childbirth, she really never did anything to help with her bodily appearance. She got into a few excersize routines, but never stuck with anything for any length of time. I overlooked it for a while, but I found that the sexual attraction I had for her wasn't the same after that. 4 years later she had our second child, and nothing has really changed.
Over the last few years she has brought up our sex life every 6 months or so, but I've never had the heart to tell her I just wasn't as physically attracted to her any more. I guess I made up every excuse in the world but the truth to avoid hurting her feelings. Recently, she brought it up again, and this time I decided to tell her the truth. Well, that was the wrong thing to do evidentially, because now she's severely crushed. I dearly love my wife and children, and have never even thought about cheating on her. I could never see myself with another woman. I now wish I never said anything, but I couldn't keep this bottled up inside me for the rest of my life. I now feel like a little shallow piece of dirt, and I don't know where to begin to patch this one up. Help???
You start to patch it up with a simple heart felt apology. Then you need to work on your perception of what love really is. You should love her and her body because she gave you not one but two children. That is a miracle that no man can recreate. Her body is miracle that deserves to be respected. What if you were in her shoes, overweight and undesirable, would you want her to still love and desire you for who you really are? Love is a choice, and when we choose to love we choose to see what is most important. Love is more than stretch marks.
I'm confused. Why should one apologize for telling the truth? It is bothersome to me that so many are so adamant about honesty and communication in a relationship and then say that they should not communicate the real reason why sex is a problem in their marriage. I agree that there are many ways to solve this problem and perhaps the OP has some issues that can change his outlook, but she asked what the problem is and her appearance was the honest answer.
I think she needs to know this, especially if there is something that she can do about it. What good does it do to keep this under wraps? My wife is not the woman she was when we married. However, I have consistantly seen an effort to look her best and that is what attracts me to her and we have a good sex life. Her mother is extremely overweight and my wife has the potential to be the same. The reason she puts forth the effort is because she knows that it is important to the sexual part of our relationship. She makes every effort by dressing nice and doing everything she can possibly do to look her best and I do the same for her. Her best is her best and that is all I can ask for.
I'm confused. Why should one apologize for telling the truth? I
I earlier suggested he NOT apologize for what he said as he meant it truthfully, but that he should apologize for how he went about it. For not coming across as being on her side when he should.
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