ok, here goes, married 24 years to the woman that I thought was my best friend and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
We haven't had sex in 2 years, we appear loving and friendly to our 2 college and middle school kids...but I am so lonley.
We have no intimacy at all. My wife has no interest in sex.
This wasn't the plan. I am only in my mid 40's and I planned on having a rich and loving life. My kids are great loving people, we look like the model loving family on the outside.
I feel cold and lonely inside and am wondering if I should just throw in the towel and look for another mate for the rest of my life..this isn't life. I can still enjoy my kids with someone else...but I don't believe that I should stay in this SAD lonely situation only to become more and more miserable.
In case anyone is wondering I love my wife, there is no abuse, we are all very close, no infidelity and I come from a family of VERY long happy marriages.
Any ideas folks.... I am desperate and yes I am a Sad Dad...
Hi saddad. You are TOO young to be having to put up with this. Have you talked to your wife about it, and what does she say? Is the going through menopause? Prior to the last 2 years, were you happy with your sex life together?
It was great. I have tried to talk to her but it isn't a priority. She comes home each night, we eat dinner as a family, cleanup, she watches TV in a chair and falls asleep. I go to the gym and work out. It's the only way I can deal with the tension and anger that I am feeling.
It's kind of weird...she brushes up against me, smacks my butt, wants to hug and stuff but that's it.
The tension with the kids is getting up there too. I have tried to talk to her about some issues with our daughter and how I think we need to tighten things up with her a little with her boyfriend and she tells me to leave her alone.
Last I checked, @ 19, I should be watching my daugher pretty close with her boyfriend. Anyway I just don't get it.... I can't be the only disciplinarian with the kids either. She doesn't back me with that at all. It's all on me.
It's so lonely that I think I would have the same life with or without her..I would take care of my family because that is the highest priorty to me. In fact I would take any of the kids that wanted to come live with me.
This isn't a mid life crisis thing this is something that is just killing me.
saddad, be honest with your wife. Tell her what the problems are and that you're actually thinking about leaving and divorce. She's not doing anything about it because she doesn't know the severity of the situation. Tell her you're thinking about throwing the towel, that will wake her up.
I feel your pain brother. One of the ongoing issues in my marriage has been sex. We had a great sex life until about 4 years ago. Now once a month is a lot for us, and it's not unusual to go two or three months without sex. I too felt like throwing in the towel, but what I found out that first of all my wife is going through Menopuase, second when our oldest got to be about 14 she suddenly became very nervous about us having sex thinking he will know what we're doing. When the two of us go away for a weekend alone together, it's like it was when we were first married. I don't like things the way they are now, but I'm not going to destroy my family over it. Hang in there, talk to her. Maybe take a good hard look at the relationship the two of you have. Are there changes you can make to help rekindle her interests? Is she self-concious because the kids are older? Two years is a long time. You two need to sit down and have a long talk and possible some marriage counseling.
Good luck,
Mystic.
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Flying....Not quite as good as sex, but it lasts a lot longer.
You know...I have told her how I feel and that I am lonely and she knows that this is seriuos. It's like she just doesn't care. I am a very straight on guy who deals with things when they come up...she on the other hand uses avoidance to deal situations. So pretty much if we don't talk about it it isn't a problem. See what I mean.
I think the part that bothers me the most is that she knows how I feel and just doesn't care. You have to understand that this is one of the most caring and sympathetic person that I have ever met...just not to me or our marriage.
You know that magic that makes a marriage....that thing that makes you and your partners connected...the thing that makes you more than just really good friends living in the house raising kids. I am talking about that intimate spark that IMO you should only have with the person that you made this committment to.... Well it's gone. I feel like I am living with my best friend...the person that you would do anything for, support through anything, pretty much lay down your life for.
Well I don't want another best friend...I want my life back. I think I could have the same life I have now with my family whether we lived in the same house or not.
The magical question is do I end my relationship now with my wife and try to find another life partner who still wants me the way I think most loving spouses do. I even think we would still be friendly after a split.
I keep asking myself..why am I staying. It really is a sad existence.
The magical question is do I end my relationship now with my wife and try to find another life partner who still wants me the way I think most loving spouses do. I even think we would still be friendly after a split.
SD, I'm sorry that you are in this situation. You are truly between the proverbial rock and the hard place and that, indeed, is the question. Only you can answer it for yourself.
I had a long term marriage that ended in divorce for very similar reasons and I can tell you no matter which decision you make it will be difficult and painful.
Divorce brings "financial downsizing" which is also a factor.
The real toll is take emotionally, but then you are suffering emotionally now in your current situation. Dismantling a long term marriage with whom you've shared half your life is incredibly painful. I felt every negative emotion possible from despair to anger to rage.
Ten years later, having been in several LTRs I must admit I've never found the closeness I had with my wife. I found trust, passion, excitement, a connection and intimacy but it never matched that closeness that my exW and I had after 23 years of building a life together.
The real question is not "do I end my relationship now with my wife and try to find another life partner who still wants me the way I think most loving spouses do." but rather "do I end my relationship now with my wife".
In long term marriages both spouses tend to become "blended" and after parting it takes time to sort oneself out. If you do leave, jumping into a new relationship immediately gives you no time to sort yourself out and regain your individuality. Also you need time to let the damage heal before you enter a new relationship.
If you really feel that your marriage is doomed to stay in this state and that you will not be able to address these issues with your wife, perhaps through MC, then keep in mind that life is not a dress rehearsal. You owe it to yourself to move forward.
I think that you and your wife should go to MC. Tell her that you are considering divorce and that you love her enough to insist that you save your marriage. If she refuses, be willing to follow through and even consider IC for yourself so that your feelings aren't bottled up inside.
Be careful about giving her an ultimatium unless you are willing to follow though. Think about everything, weigh all options, and be sure what it is you want because this is your life and your families life. God bless.
"I think the part that bothers me the most is that she knows how I feel and just doesn't care. You have to understand that this is one of the most caring and sympathetic person that I have ever met...just not to me or our marriage."
Saddad, are you married to my wife???? That line sounds exactly like my wife. She will do anything for anyone except for me, and everyone things she is the most wonderful person in the world. And she is wonderful, but her care and concern seems to stop short of me. Like you we have a good relationship, like living with your best friend. I have tried different things that seemed to help, at least in the short term.
Have you tried to re-ignite that romantic spark? Like hiding little love notes for her to find maybe in the bed or in her car? Do you tell her she's hot, she beautiful and that you want her? Are you affectionate? Do you buy her sexy things for the bedroom? I think telling her that your hurt and lonely only makes it worse. I think it only makes her feel defensive and like another demand is being put on her. She may have issues going on that you're not aware of and she doesn't feel very comfortable talking about. Is she going through menopause? Maybe she's put on weight and feels that she's fat and is embarrased for you to see her in the nude. Is she taking the pill? or has she started taking the pill? That can kill a woman's sex drive, it did my wife's. Also I think I mentioned it before, but if you have older children in the house that might make her not want to have sex. There could be a medical reason for her loss of desire too. I guess what I'm saying is have you explored all the possible issues that could result in the loss of her desire for sex? I know this can be a senstive topic even between husbands and wives. Just don't throw in the towel until you've explored all the possible reasons
I think the issue is that I am tired of trying and I really don't have anything left to give. I really feel pushed away. I used to look at her as this awsome light...this thing that I always wanted to be around. We used to have those looks...you know the ones...the ones that only we would know meant and that magic.
Now I see this awesome person, a person who is a fantastic mother to my three kids, a person, like stated earlier..would do anything for anybody but me.
As I read this I sound like a pathetic loser...that is whining and that isn't my message at all. I asked her about going to MC with me and she says ok. Kind of like, "ok, it might rain tomorrow". She didn't even want to talk about it. That's that part that bothers me the most. I don't think she wants to change anything.
If my wife opened up to me with all this I would listen and try to help get through it. She is not doing that for me. We don't even fight. We just talk about work and the kids.
She is premenopausal, she goes to a DR regularly and I am positive that she is not cheating. Her father cheated on her mother and she despises him to this day for it.
I don't think I can do anything to re-ignite anything. We are just like good friend. The only thing we speak about is our finances..which aren't the problem and the latest issues with our aging parents that we need to deal with.
There is nothing else. Frankly I think that if I've opened up like I have and told her how I feel, her lack of response is a response in itself. Does anyone else see this? I mean if she is content with how it is and I am not...I must be the problem...right?
This really sucks and as each day goes on it gets worse. I DREAD the day the last one of our kids move out and I am alone with her for the rest of my life. At least we have the kids and their lives as a diversion. This isn't the plan I signed up for, we had our kids early in our lives so we could travel and enjoy future grandkids. The way things are going I think it will be unbearable.
To the earlier responder about me rushing out and finding someone new....my plan would be to take time to chill and help my kids to adjust to the new life if I decide to end it.
I really wish there was something I could do.
To all of you...thanks for your thoughts and well wishes. There really isn't anyone I can talk to about this and it makes me feel better that other guys out there are going through the same thing. I was starting to worry that this is what marriage is at almost 25 years and frankly, I hope it's not.
Saddad,
You said you asked her if she would go to MC and she said OK. Did you go for it? What difference does it make how she answered, she's willing to go, isn't she? Three kids and 25 years, I think you've got more to lose by not at least trying MC.
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