It's probably why I'm here, but I am mortified that any of my friends would find out about my significant other's recent emotional affair.
I've told my friends that we are having a "rough patch" due to his general immaturity, but I would be so embarrassed if they knew the truth. My SO hasn't told his friends either because he is embarrassed for what he did as well.
We are kind of working things out "in secret" together. Is that healthy? Should I tell my friends? I don't want them to hate him or think I am in idiot for wanting to work things out...
What have you told your friends or family about an affair?
It's probably why I'm here, but I am mortified that any of my friends would find out about my significant other's recent emotional affair.
I've told my friends that we are having a "rough patch" due to his general immaturity, but I would be so embarrassed if they knew the truth. My SO hasn't told his friends either because he is embarrassed for what he did as well.
We are kind of working things out "in secret" together. Is that healthy? Should I tell my friends? I don't want them to hate him or think I am in idiot for wanting to work things out...
What have you told your friends or family about an affair?
This is totally up to you... Whenever you feel comfortable and trust a family member or a friend enough to confide, if you don,t then it's no one,s business...
Only YOU decide what is best for you.
__________________ “A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are” - Victor Lownes
From everything I've read, in general it is probably better not to tell family and friends. You just have no idea what their reactions could be. I did tell one person but that was it. I told no one in my family. You may want to give it time and then reconsider later who you want to tell.
It's probably why I'm here, but I am mortified that any of my friends would find out about my significant other's recent emotional affair.
What have you told your friends or family about an affair?
Hi LadyKatie,
With my H's EA we kept it pretty much between ourselves. Family members tend to get emotionally fired up and want to defend you and what not.
With my PA with MM I have told a few friends. I could never tell a family member for the above-mentioned reasons. I suppose it depends on the family. Mine should not be told. My friends, though, have been a great support and sounding board for me. They give me clarity and reasoning.
If you guys are working it out, there is probably no reason to tell anyone. Don't give anyone fodder for later on.
Good luck.
__________________
"Life is too short not to love and too long to be miserable!"
I agree, it's up to you, what you are comfortable w/. If you don't want to tell, don't b/c it's none of their business.
My friends were the ones that told me about FWH A w/ a co-worker. I'm sure if my family lived in the same town they would have known about it too. I did tell my family. I needed them for support.
As you can see I have not only told ALL my friends and family about my H EA and maybe PA, but I have posetd here for the world to see. I do this because I am the type that MUST talk things out or I will explode. If I keep it in, we are definitely doomed. A lot of people hold things in to deal with them and from what I have seen, they explode later and it is not pretty. Now, if my H ever found out that I have spilled my guts here, he would die.......but I do not care, he should not have been acting the way he did and I would have never been looking for this site in the first place, right !
Yes, I told friends and family. There was no reason not to, for the support network and every reason to bring the affair into the open.
An affair is like a mushroom, where it grows in dark, dank places and feeds off manure. Part of the attraction is the illicit nature. Like any secret, it can fester, if left hidden and unattended. Also, once brought into the open, there's more chance that the perp (liar and cheater) will bear the consequences of his actions, therefore, less like to offend again. Your friends and family will also be watching for signs and watching future actions. It sometimes takes group pressure to make people aware of how horrible their actions are and what kind of person they have become.
Why you see it as something to be ashamed of, makes me believe that you see it as something you did wrong. This isn't accurate. Cheating and lying is a choice made by the cheater, therefore, he needs to bear his own cross. No need in any way to protect someone who's made hurtful choices on his own. Remember, once again, it was his choice and his selfishness.
He's the one who screwed up...this isn't YOUR failure...it's HIS.
EVERYONE knew in my wife's case. And it turned out to be a huge blessing for us for several reasons.
First, everyone put pressure on her to end her affair and make the right choices...which is exactly what she needed.
They were here for me when I needed someone to talk with.
It turned out that one of my sisters had gone through an EA a couple of years ago...and had ended it and worked out her marriage. Was someone my wife could listen to and not feel judged, and at the same time it was someone who could help my wife see what she needed to do.
As far as the choice to reconcile...well, it was OUR choice to make, not anyone else's. They don't get to decide if its the right thing to do or not...its OURS. And YOURS, in your case. If they don't agree, it doesn't matter.
You SHOULD tell your friends and family, if you think that they'll help you to get your H to end his affair, and reconcile with you. Affairs THRIVE on secrecy...they don't do nearly as well when EVERYONE knows the truth and its all out in the open.
At the end of the day, its YOUR choice. Don't let him choose for you...because right now, you can't trust his chioices. And don't let shame or embarrasement sway you, because its not YOUR shame...its HIS.
__________________
Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
I've told my friends that we are having a "rough patch" due to his general immaturity, but I would be so embarrassed if they knew the truth. My SO hasn't told his friends either because he is embarrassed for what he did as well.
We are kind of working things out "in secret" together. Is that healthy? Should I tell my friends? I don't want them to hate him or think I am in idiot for wanting to work things out...
Don’t ever allow embarrassment to be your motivator for suffering silently and alone, or preventing you from seeking support from family members and friends IF that support is no longer coming from your primary partner and you are no longer able to rely on yourself.
If you and your partner are already taking positive steps towards moving forwardtogether, and you are content with the progress you are making without the help and support from others, than perhaps there is a benefit in keeping each other’s confidences as a way to rebuild the trust between you.
However, if your relationship is in crisis to the point where you need the outside support to either resolve your issues or find the strength to walk away, than by all means look for that in those you can trust to provide it for you. And not just anybody. Rather those who you know have your best interests at heart, regardless of whatever protective criticism they may have regarding your partner’s behavior or your choices in dealing with it.
Affairs are very much “addictions.” I have yet to witness one or read about one that has challenged that clinical definition. And just like any addiction, sometimes an intervention is necessary to bring the situation out into the open before it can be properly addressed and dealt with by everyone who has or will be affected by it. Particularly when the addiction has reached the point where it is not only destroying the individual ... but the spouse, children, families, and all those who are going to be negatively affected by it.
However, the “outing” of any individual should be the very last resort only when all else has failed. Because it can absolutely do more harm than good if your objective is to improve the trust between you rather than exasperate those lines of separation. It may actually “cause” the breakup rather than motivate someone into wanting to change their behavior for the better. You have to be at a place where you’re willing to accept that risk as part of the overall consequence.
__________________
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain
Why you see it as something to be ashamed of, makes me believe that you see it as something you did wrong. This isn't accurate. Cheating and lying is a choice made by the cheater, therefore, he needs to bear his own cross. No need in any way to protect someone who's made hurtful choices on his own. Remember, once again, it was his choice and his selfishness.
You know when we talk on here and I hear someone else feeling embarassment as what their SO did, I think like all of you, that it's not the cheatee's fault but the cheater's fault. But when I was going through this, I was embarassed too so I know how this poster feels. I think it's because we are told in society that if he cheats, it must be something you are or aren't doing at home. We've all heard the line "well if you kept him happy at home, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere" so at least I felt that it must have been something wrong with me. I wasn't pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough, rich enough, etc., etc. I was definitely embarassed to let my family know because I thought we may be working it out and I didn't want them to know but I told his 2 sister-in-laws - they were surprised that he would do that. I didn't want to break up with him and he drag my name through the mud with his family when this breakup is because of him and his cheating. But now I've told my family for the support I need and they do not blame me one bit for wanting out.
So I know we shouldn't be embarassed but sometimes are. I guess I didn't tell my family until I knew if we planned on staying together or not, because I didn't want them judging him. Isn't that nice of those of us who were cheated on to feel so much for the cheater that we don't want to hurt them? Makes no sense.
You know when we talk on here and I hear someone else feeling embarassment as what their SO did, I think like all of you, that it's not the cheatee's fault but the cheater's fault. But when I was going through this, I was embarassed too so I know how this poster feels. I think it's because we are told in society that if he cheats, it must be something you are or aren't doing at home. We've all heard the line "well if you kept him happy at home, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere" so at least I felt that it must have been something wrong with me. I wasn't pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough, rich enough, etc., etc. I was definitely embarassed to let my family know because I thought we may be working it out and I didn't want them to know but I told his 2 sister-in-laws - they were surprised that he would do that. I didn't want to break up with him and he drag my name through the mud with his family when this breakup is because of him and his cheating. But now I've told my family for the support I need and they do not blame me one bit for wanting out.
So I know we shouldn't be embarassed but sometimes are. I guess I didn't tell my family until I knew if we planned on staying together or not, because I didn't want them judging him. Isn't that nice of those of us who were cheated on to feel so much for the cheater that we don't want to hurt them? Makes no sense.
It's threefold Sue.
What did I do wrong?
I want to protect the man I love.
So, women protect them, at their own expense, the expense of support and the expense of exposing an affair to create consequences to actions. It's part of the reason I feel that cheaters repeat their actions. Okay, I got caught, not much happened, so why not? Worse case scenario, she walks.
It's probably why I'm here, but I am mortified that any of my friends would find out about my significant other's recent emotional affair.
I've told my friends that we are having a "rough patch" due to his general immaturity, but I would be so embarrassed if they knew the truth. My SO hasn't told his friends either because he is embarrassed for what he did as well.
We are kind of working things out "in secret" together. Is that healthy? Should I tell my friends? I don't want them to hate him or think I am in idiot for wanting to work things out...
What have you told your friends or family about an affair?
Don't tell your family, his family or your mutual friends if you intend to stay with him. I made that mistake. I don't regret it, because my mistakes give me directions: they tell me how unhappy I was, because any irrational moves indicate how miserable I felt at the moment. Nonetheless, I learned a lesson: nobody will be on your side; you will only feel even worse after that. Talk to the closest people or just to strangers on the internet. It's good to confide and seek advice, but only to/from those who are 100% on your side, no matter what.
__________________ Marriage is a community in which we resolve problems that we wouldn't have had if we were single - unknown
Last edited by RecordProducer; 19th November 2007 at 6:30 PM.
It all depends on whether or not you will be able to keep the secret for ever, Personally, given the level of deception and dishonesty in an affair, nothing less than TOTAL openness and honesty was my baseline. I didn't care who knew, because to be honest, you don't know who already knows. Plus you need the vigilance of others to ensure that you are not going to get cheated on again.
An affair opens up a Pandoras Box of problems in a marriage. To try and sweep them under the carpet will allow them to fester and maybe cause problems in the future.
If you are planning on working things out I would not share with close family and friends. The support system part is good but you can forgive him a lot easier than they can. When my H had an affair I told my family and friends, I thought we were over. We then decided to work it out and I didn't speak to my mother for months or my best friend for almost a year. We have since divorced for other reasons but my mother brings the A up every chance she can just to throw it out there. I forgave him for that and I can honestly say I truly forgave him, so I can angry at her for bringing it up.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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