When I first met my fiancee we were only 20yrs old and we had amazing sex for the couple years we dated. Shortly after we broke up to grow up and see the world alone. 3 Years later we got back together and have been dating ever since (8 yrs).... the only problem this time is that I am not at all sexually attracted to him!! To top it off, we fight daily, we have different interests and yet with all this said, we're to be married in 6 months! I know if I were reading this I would be saying 'stop the wedding dummy', but in all reality, I really do love him....I just don't know if I am 'in-love'with him..Or, scarier thought, I am 32 yrs old, do I really want to start over at this age while I so desperatly want to be moving into the having babies stage of my life? If I start over, that means their is a good chance I will not have children considering it begins getting dangerous at around 35.....again, I do love him deeply and when he is not around, I miss him, even if it's only been a couple hours...but sadly, when I see him, immediatly he says something, anything and I'm annoyed or ticked off...is it me perhaps?? My temper has gotten worse, I find I am now throwing little hissy fits daily with him. Maybe its because I lay beside him each night and not a single iotta of me wants him...sexually...we cuddle, but that is my limit. PLEASE HELP??
the only problem this time is that I am not at all sexually attracted to him!!
To top it off, we fight daily, we have different interests
Any chance these two statements are are linked?
I'm going to be very honest and say that if you cannot be attracted to him, you are literally robbing him of his future happiness by staying with him.
This is a situation you must fix. Either by letting him find someone who is attracted to him, or getting to a point where you are attracted to him again!
Since you say you love him I would work on becoming attracted to him again.
I think right now you are focusing on his bad qualities. And it's setting the tone for how you view him. Bad. Very bad.
How has he been through all of your hissy fits? Is he calming and comforting? That would be his gentle strength if he's more understanding than angry at you.
That gentle strength is him. When things get out of control he remains strong.
Think about him. Think about all of him. Could you be happy with him if you'll allow yourself to be?
32 is the new 22 just with more experience. You are not to old to start over again if that's your fear.
Have you two had premarital counselling? Its great and a great opener to talk about things freely before you get married and truly become afraid to speak openly and honestly.
__________________ Don't flag me, 'cause I'm honest...
The phrase "get out of the f**king house!" springs to mind!
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING - ?! marriage in 6 months! NO way!
Stop, stop, stop this right now!
There is no way you should even be considering carrying on. It's quite obvious you have both moved in entirely different directions and that you are no longer the same people you were. And I am right with Cobra on this one. To continue without expressing your complete non-commitment is deceitful and self-deluding. It's making a total mockery of the happiness of both of you.
Cancel it right now, and do the right thing.
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
It's not fair to him to get married and have kids feeling the way you do. What kind of emotional intimacy can you two have if you get pissed off just at the sight of him? And as for physical intimacy, apparently you are unattracted to him so can he expect the sex to stop once you tie the knot? Letting your biological clock do your thinking for you is no way to make such momentous decisions. It almost sounds like you're using him.
Imagine a day not too far off when you've got a small child and a newborn at home. You're getting no sleep, demands are being put on you 24 hours a day, your hormones are out of whack, you feel as if your life is not your own and your fiancee (now your husband) walks in the door. How do you think you're going to feel about him then? Will this marriage even survive? And when it falls apart, will you feel that it was fair to him to spend those years building a family with someone who loves him, at best, like a brother?
You should want to jump the man you are about to marry.
You are picking fights with him because you are passive-aggressively trying to find a way out. You are trying not to face the truth that is right in front of you. Eventually you will be forced to face it, whether now or years down the road when you have already added kids to the mix.
No matter how warm and fuzzy you feel toward him, those feelings aren't going to magically transform into sexual interest. You will have to work on it, as someone else said, but realize that having sex with him may always be work and something you have to psych yourself into. If you can live with that, marry him.
It's not fair to him to get married and have kids feeling the way you do. What kind of emotional intimacy can you two have if you get pissed off just at the sight of him? And as for physical intimacy, apparently you are unattracted to him so can he expect the sex to stop once you tie the knot? Letting your biological clock do your thinking for you is no way to make such momentous decisions. It almost sounds like you're using him.
Imagine a day not too far off when you've got a small child and a newborn at home. You're getting no sleep, demands are being put on you 24 hours a day, your hormones are out of whack, you feel as if your life is not your own and your fiancee (now your husband) walks in the door. How do you think you're going to feel about him then? Will this marriage even survive? And when it falls apart, will you feel that it was fair to him to spend those years building a family with someone who loves him, at best, like a brother?
So well put. I wish someone had said this to me 13 years ago.
For God's sake don't marry him. Take it from someone who has been in a 15 year sexless marriage. You may manage to have kids with him and that would be piling one horrible mistake on top of another. Once the kids come and the marriage then goes completely sexless you are trapped. Doesn't matter how much you love them, don't EVER marry someone who doesn't turn you on.
You are picking fights with him because you are passive-aggressively trying to find a way out.
Great insight ! You should be scared sh*tless because these are supposed to be the most compelling sexual times of your life. For many couples, the frequency and intensity declines over time, so I guess the good news is, your sex life couldn't go downhill since it's already at the bottom.
Sounds pretty grim, huh? Also, as others have pointed out, how unfair to commit your BF to a lifetime partnership with someone who doesn't want or desire him. Wrong on many levels...
I'm sorry if it hurts what I tell you but I have to be sincere even if it hurts.
When I read you I feel that you are a bit neurotic even slightly immature. You would need to see for maybe a short time a psychologist to clear up some issues that you have. You fight constantly with him? An objective third person could help you deal with your aggressive behaviour and his.
If you both are already continuously fighting and arguing, what atmosphere is that going to be for your kids? It even sounds to me that you are using him just to start having babies, yes I know that's hard when you know you don't have so much time. Does he want sex? I don't even want to think what's going to happen when he wants it and you never want! You're not attracted to him!
Ufff! Good that love is there but there are other important aspects of the relationship that should be there! Sorry but poor guy, DO NOT GET MARRIED until you have solved some issues, sex and getting along well.
If I start over, that means their is a good chance I will not have children considering it begins getting dangerous at around 35...
That is NOT a reason to get married to someone you don't want to shag senseless...I'm not really into sex myself, but my fiancé is so attractive that I want to be close to him whenever I can.
...isn't that something you'd rather have than a baby in a sexless marriage? Don't men equal love and sex? ...which means soon enough he'll feel like there is no love, and perhaps he'll stop the marriage before you do?
Good things said already. While your feelings could be due to cold feet and fears about the future, it still should make you step back and stop the marriage. Then if you decide that your feelings were simply a result of fear, you could move forward. But to get married while having such feelings is not fair to him or you.
BTW, you can have children safely after 35. (We had two.) Many ladies do. I have heard that after 40 is when the risk factors climb the quickest.
__________________ “Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." --Unknown
Your too young to be married. I promise you'll end up divorce and hating each other.
You both haven't experience anything... or anyone.. You've just sort of ended up with each other... when a woman should PICK they husband, not just marry the first guy who hit on her in HS.
Please look up national stats on Divorce and marriage rates with individuals your age.
If you REALLY WANT TO MAKE IT WORK.. wait to marry till 27 years old.
IF YOU MARRY NOW.. I promise, you'll be divorced or utterly miserable in a relationship that has fidelity issues. Promise Promise Promise.
__________________
"There are three kinds of intelligence: one kind understands things for itself, the other appreciates what others can understand, the third understands neither for itself nor through others. This first kind is excellent, the second good, and the third kind useless." - Machiavelli
This has divorce written all over it. Get over your fears and end it now or seek some premarital counseling. Ending it later will be much more painful and more costly. If you seek counseling before you are even married too me that spells trouble. Just my opinion. You are still young and have a life to live.
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! You should be scared sh*tless because these are supposed to be the most compelling sexual times of your life. For many couples, the frequency and intensity declines over time, so I guess the good news is, your sex life couldn't go downhill since it's already at the bottom.
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