[thymidine]

Hi, I'm new here!! I decided to ask you all for some counselling because I'm just desperate. 8 years married and any time around he gets jealousy about nonsense things, packs his suitcases and leaves!! And comes back after one day maximum. I was really tired of that. At the beginning, just scared, but now, ULTRA-TIRED. I've never been able to have a feeling of continuity is this marriage!! In 8 years I didn't still get any proper cupboards for the bathrooms, for example, and things like that, because if due to his jealousy divorce con show its head through the door any unexpected date!!
We have two children. The youngest just 4 months! And he happened to be checking my mobile and just like that found an sms. An sms I had forgotten to be there because I had written it some weeks ago to a foreign number, just to find out if my husband was being curious about me (he has been paying no attention at all to me lately).
And so, the sms just said: "Still sleeping call you later". And up in his mind he's playing the big movie and thinking that must be a lover whom (quite sure), I've been able to meet and date while pregnant and/or right after birthgiving, or now, that I have such plenty of freedom with a small baby).

I though that telling him the plain truth: that it was an sms just sent as a call for HIS attention might have sounded suspectful, so I said it was someone I met on a flight and took some pics together with his friends, and I just remembered about that pictures and simply reminded him.

And my question is: if jealousy is to be said a fear of lost, then why isn't he glad with this explanation? Or, is it not fear of lost but fear of some kind of antique honor?

After having been silent for 12 days (not a single word) today he wrote a letter claiming truth and detailed explanation. WHY?? He wants to leave me? Is it like in the movies, he'll continue torturing me until I confess a lie to be left alone?

What should I do? Keep on saying the picture thing? Change the version to something a little bit more compromised but completely faithful? What? Any suggestions?

PLEASE!!! HELP!!!

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Sorry, but GET RID OF HIM. He's not worth the games he's playing. Find a better mate and daddy for your family.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally Posted by thymidine

And he happened to be checking my mobile and just like that found an sms. An sms I had forgotten to be there because I had written it some weeks ago to a foreign number, just to find out if my husband was being curious about me (he has been paying no attention at all to me lately).

Why would you do that?

If he's suffering from Pathological Jealousy, you're just making it worse when you provide him with REASONS. It's a neurotic behavior.

Here's an article for you, which will give you some ideas about treatment options:
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/ma...ticlekey=34554

If it's bad enough to threaten the marriage... it's bad enough to be addressed in counseling.

[thymidine]

Thanks for your answers!! I know, I know, I know: everyone who knows how things are between us recommends me to get rid of him, but I... I just don't want to hurt him so much. There are times when it seems he feels confident enough in himself and makes "a little pause" in being jealous.

Ladyjane, I've read the article and it's turned out to be kinda useful. For me, because he completely rejects reading things like that. Now I know that in the heart of his jealousy is a feeling of humiliation. And years ago he was jealous of men with bigger salaries than his. And now he's gained 47 pounds, and of course, is jealous of fit and muscular guys!!

But there's something in this I find very ironic: if he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, why is he provoking a situation in which his fear of humiliation is gonna force him to leave me? It's nonsense!!!

But he doesn't wanna read any related books, he doesn't want to recognize he's got a problem! I suppose I won't stand this any longer, but right in this moment I can't afford a divorce! I'm a flight attendant. I'm enjoying now this great period of long vacation (no salary) due to maternity. Divorce would suppose inmediate return to work, giving have my wage to a baby-sitter and sharing a new home with her... Too bad for just a 4 month old baby!!

If I could just... calm HIM down for a while... 2, 3 months... But tomorrow he'll ask for an answer. And I still have no idea of what the hell to tell him.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally Posted by thymidine

But there's something in this I find very ironic: if he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, why is he provoking a situation in which his fear of humiliation is gonna force him to leave me? It's nonsense!!!

You're right. It's nonsense, meaning... doesn't make logical sense. Like I said earlier, this could be a manifestation of neurotic behavior in response to some other underlying problem. Now, if your man had OCD and a compulsion to wash his hands repetitively or flip the light switches on and off 10 times before going to bed, you wouldn't be taking that behavior personally, right? You'd be wanting to help him sort it out.

I'm not saying that this is the only possible explanation for his behavior, but you won't know until you've had a professional assessment. Unfortunately, he's resistant to seeking treatment as you've said.

Here's the deal though... if the marriage is intolerable to you in it's current condition, then it's intolerable. So, you have nothing to lose by INSISTING that the terms for continuing on in the marriage is that the two of you seek marriage counseling together. Once he's through the door, and assuming your therapist is worth his/her weight in salt... he's going to get a better assessment than what you can get from public opinion over the internet.

Ultimatums should never be given lightly. You have to be prepared to live with either outcome. But, when you have nothing to lose, (as in cases where the marriage can no longer be sustained), you have EVERYTHING to gain. Either way, the problem gets solved, because he's either going to get on board and learn how to treat his mate, or he's going to end up as somebody else's problem, right?