Hi all,
It's been a while... I reckon I knew I'd need your advice at some point, so here goes.
I have become involved with a great amazing man in the past 4 months who's everything I could want in a mate so far. He's a grown up, intelligent, self aware, honest, kind, funny, and attractive. It's obviously a bit soon to say for sure, but he feels like "the One" to me. This feeling is from my head and my heart.
Two weeks ago he became sober and began to attend AA meetings. I've been delighted by his courage, and been supportive. He told me that it would make things touchy for this new relationship, which I know, and I'm in this with eyes wide open, taking it a day at a time....i.e. I know that it's a huge change for him, and that it's time for him to focus on becoming healthy, which he has been doing by attending meetings daily. He's also been going to Alanon for years now, as his family and previous marriage were alchohlics
We've kept an honest and open dialogue about all this stuff; in fact one of the hallmarks of this relationship we have is that we communicate incredibly. It ain't always easy, but it's kept things growing in the short time we've been together.
Since he's become sober our sex life is almost nil. In fact in the past week, he rarely shows me any physical affection. I've brought this up, and he said he just feels tired, that he's feeling inward, etc.. I can tell he's avoiding intimacy. I can understand on some level, but it's hard on me. I'm not nagging him or sulking, by the way.
I'm wondering if any of you men (or women) have felt the way he has when becoming newly sober, and maybe give me some insight.
Do you think it would be good to just give him (and myself) space right now? I don't want to go away from him, but I don't want to create resentment for either one of us, either. What do you think?
__________________ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde
its up to you if you want to stay with him during this period...his body is just getting used to not having any alcohol so maybe that gets him tired..support him if you really care about him dont ask for too much just be there for him sooner or later you will see your sexual life will be as good as you want it..no pressure...caress his back and arms and cuddle up to him maybe then his hormones will wake up lol
Polywog, most men are interested in sex and at the infatuation period of your relationship if he isn't then something else is at play here. It could be a lot of things, mental illness, addicted to porn, you name it. As a man, I've never had any kind of sex problems even in a bad relationship. In a good relationship sex is incredible and intense. You may be setting your self up for another disappointment. I have perhaps rebounded myself and you can read about it in my latest post in the divorce and separation forum in that nasty horrible thread about my separation with my X.
I'll never forget the fun we had talking about giving your X back the dog after rolling in the rotten dolphin stuff on the beach. That was priceless!
I spent some time googling but didn't come up with much. One message board (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-uncommon.html) mentions it, but not everyone agrees that the Detox is causing the lack of sex drive.
Personally I wouldn't be surprised if it was. He's learning to do everything sober, and that must be a big change.
Perhaps the best thing to do is communicate with him about how he would like you to handle things? Are you going to Alanon? It might help you too.
Thanks, you guys... your replies were very reassuring and helpful, and that link was very good.
It's been a while since the original post, and things have gotten better, a bit. My libido is pretty high, and the guy is 48, so that might be one reason for all this. The other is that I've had to face my own codependency issues once again, as it's been an ongoing problem for me. I used to go to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings years ago when my marriage (to an alcoholic who was in denial) ended.
It seems I am attracted to this pattern, and when I was married I was the one who was sexually withdrawn. My last relationship (9 years) was with an emotionally unavailable man, so obviously, given my pattern, he was a delicious treat to me sexually.... no real deep connection was available.
Now I am facing all sorts of issues that only a relationship can bring up. What is a good thing is that we communicate really well. But the sex thing is a bit scary to bring up with him. It's better than when I posted, but I have to examine my own dissatisfaction. Is it because I need "proof" that he "loves me", or is it just physical incompatibility? The last thing he needs is to feel inadequate, especially since he's getting down to serious, painful business. Does this make sense, given what I've said about my own crap?
My guess is that he has been a bit withdrawn because of the intimacy issues he is bravely facing due to becoming sober. His childhood was fraught with neglect and subtle emotional abuse from his alcoholic mother (he has a good and realistic relationship with her now, eyes wide open). He has said that he is "not himself" and that he is really more affectionate than he is right now, in the beginning of his sobriety.
I am, at this point, just deciding to take all of it "one day at a time", and make myself focus on my own life, which I've allowed to get a bit derailed by "love", a pattern of mine. I am thinking of going to Alanon, though CoDA would be ideal.... there are not any CoDA groups here, and I am not in a position to start on right now.
Anyhow, thanks for replying.... I knew I could rely on LSers for good support, I do love this place!
I'm wondering if any of you men (or women) have felt the way he has when becoming newly sober, and maybe give me some insight.
I was on “your” end of it some time back.
It was explained to me that chemical addictions (whether drugs or alcohol) over time replaces the brains natural ability to produce it’s own dopamine. Dopamine is one of the chemicals responsible for our feeling “pleasure” or stimulus. The action/reward mechanism in our brains is what motivates us into certain behaviors necessary for our survival. We must eat to live, so food brings us pleasure. We must mate to produce offspring, so sex is enjoyable and gives us a natural high.
However, the pleasure center of our brains stops producing it’s own “high” when we alter it by introducing artificial chemicals to take the place of our bodies natural production of these chemicals. The longer one uses chemicals, the lazier our brain gets in producing its own. The brain than switches gears, and suddenly it’s survival mechanism is no longer about the simple pleasures like (food or sex) ... but the driving force becomes all about getting that “next fix.” Which is why many people in recovery eventually relapse ... or replace one chemical addiction for another.
Similarly, your husband is now starving his brain of the chemical it depended on to make him “feel good.” It may take a little while for his natural dopamine production to readjust and kick back in. During that time, he may find it difficult to feel any sort of pleasure in those everyday things that most of us enjoy ... “sex” being one of them. He may seem agitated, “flat-line” or even depressed for a while. This is to be expected. Fortunately, the sooner the person quits their addiction, and the “younger” they are, the better the brain’s chances are for bouncing back. However, the longer one uses, and the older they are, the slower the brain is in its ability to recover and process it’s own dopamine at the same capacity it once did.
Hopefully, your husband has gotten help in plenty of time to turn things around. But it won't be easy for him to override those impulses until his “brain” finally catches up and begins to produce it’s own natural high again. It will take a lot of patience, understanding and vigilance on your part to support him when his “addict think” takes over and he wants to give in. And the “doing it without creating resentment” part can be the most difficult challenge of all. For that, you might want to enlist the help of someone on the professional end of this to help give you the support, insight and tools you’ll need to help you BOTH navigate your way through it.
Good luck, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a happy ending. We could all sure benefit from a few more of those!
__________________
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain
That was very helpful, Enigma... Thanks! It makes sense. He's not my husband, BTW, he's my recent SO of 4 months. So it's a brand new relationship, this will be interesting. Anyhow, I've learned a lot so far about myself. I hope for a happy ending, too, one way or another.... "Let Go and Let God", as they say in AA.
Well, we've decided to take a bit of a break. Not a break-up, I trust, but some space so that he can dive into his stuff without another being around to get in the way. It's hard for me to trust that all will be OK. But I guess I have no choice right now. Anyone out there in LS been on either end of this before?
Thats nice of you to stand by him,and try to understand,I agree with trialbyfire about the alanon(my mom went when my dad was getting sober,and they made it)
Wow I sure wish my hubby would give AA a try,My hubby drinks daily,and doesnt care about anything else but booze(Nope not even I come first) I am trapped,and have to live like this now cuz my mom bought this mobile home for me(paid for),and if I divorce or kick him out,Im afraid I will be homeless.
So let your man get some sobriety,and stand by him. I think it will be better for you both as he gets more sober days in him,cuz AA is also about growing up,and learning how to live(IMO). I wish both of you luck,and again your a good person for trying to understand why he wants what he wants.
I'm sorry to hear about your husband and his drinking. I don't mean to derail my own thread, but it seems to me that your home is Yours.... your mom bought it for You. Is your fear of losing your home if you divorce realistic?
Getting back to Me, I'm giving T space right now, but it's scary... maybe during this time he'll realize that he can't be with me, which sucks. But on the bright side, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship now with someone who didn't know himself, which he's doing right now. And frankly, it gives me space to do the same.... scary, but necessary right now. This year has been a friggin' roller coaster, and I just want the ride to End! I still have not gone to Alanon, but I think I must, soon. Figure out what's up with me and my attraction to addicts and/or damaged souls.
In my own way, I'm damaged. by this stuff, too... my mother came from an alcoholic family, and though she didn't drink she had all the baggage that comes with it, and thus it was passed down to us kids. Emotional distance, anger, fear.... that stuff. Ugh! Then I married (and divorced several years ago) an alcoholic/coke addict who never confronted his demons (and came from an alcoholic family himself!).
I guess we (I) have to have faith in the Greater Good. This is sure not easy, but it just Is.
Hi again poly
Wow I can relate with you so much,and I know how mixed up you feel.
You seem pretty smart,and a have good thinking thoughts right now.
Like alanon will teach us too,(something i might need too)how to deal with ourselves.
But I would like to see you go for yourself,and learn.
I myself have always attracted the drunk/druggy,and ended up being one myself.
That rollercoaster I can relate,also,and it sure can drive a person crazy huh? I wish I had some magic words but I guess we have to go,and find a way off the rollercoaster ourselves. But I sure can stop by andd let ya know,im rooting for ya.
I don't know if this is oversimplifying things, but could it be that he doesn't like being intimate when he's sober? Maybe he just associates intimacy with alcohol and has to relearn what it is like to be intimate without that lubrication.
Well, we've decided to take a bit of a break. Not a break-up, I trust, but some space so that he can dive into his stuff without another being around to get in the way. It's hard for me to trust that all will be OK. But I guess I have no choice right now.
Best thing for both of you, Poly ... especially for you.
Sobriety must be something that the individual wants bad enough to do for themselves. And staying sober requires that they be able to maintain without depending too heavily on the people closest to them to become their sole crutch. That’s what the objective support of AA meetings and councilors are for. Believe me, you wouldn’t want to become the person who monitors his drinking and nags him into sticking with the program. In spite of your best intentions, [b]that’s[b] what inevitably builds resentment and quickly sucks the joy and romance out of a relationship early on.
There’s also a fine line between “supporting” someone and becoming their only reason for abstaining. If someone depends too heavily upon you to govern their behavior and KEEP them from back sliding, than there is a higher probability that they will begin using again the moment they feel you’re not there for them ... or Gawd forbid, you’ve finally had enough and decide to exit. And most people in these situations eventually begin to feel “trapped” by the guilt. They want to leave, but worry that if they do, the other guy is going to relapse and they’ll somehow be responsible.
Developing and maintaining a happy, mutually beneficial relationship between two individuals requires enough vigilance and care on both people’s parts even in the best of circumstances. You certainly wouldn’t want to start one out with these kinds of odds stacked against you (again ).
Remember ... you have to stick with your program, too! No more martyring yourself to dysfunctional relationship partners. No more bargain shopping for fixer-uppers. Recognize your own pattern and willfully break it. Believe me, if you can maintain and endure even in those times of occasional loneliness, you will find yourself in a great relationship one day.
Well ... that is unless you actually miss all the folks in those CODA meetings.
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