I Don't Believe I Can Get By Without Playing Games
Recently I've come to realize that I don't feel comfortable in a relationship unless I'm either a) strategizing and keeping a guy at a distance, or b) just not that into him so I don't care how he feels about me. I guess I need some convincing that playing games is actually a bad thing.
I'd love to believe that just being honest and yourself is enough, but there's sooo much evidence to the contrary. I mean practically every thread of heartbreak on this forum is a case in point. It's always some girl or guy who was dumped because they cared too much and pushed their partner away with their "neediness"/"dependency." Nevermind the fact that more often than not they were just being open about their feelings, and the other person couldn't handle that. Meanwhile their partner is off in the clouds pining for the emotionally unavailable ex who treated them like ****. In 99.9% of cases the people you can't get over are the ones who didn't care about you. I mean it's just a fact of human nature that you pull back and somebody gives you more. People want what they can't have.
Posters on this forum will deny and deny, but the evidence speaks for itself -- right? The "right guy" is always just around the corner, one who will appreciate you for who you are and not be turned off by your affection or insecurities yada yada. We've all heard it a million times. We tell it to ourselves when we get dumped and convince ourselves he didn't deserve us and there's a guy out there who will. But I'm not convinced that this mythological right guy exists, and if he does he's one in a million. I mean he would have to be above natural human limitations. He would have to be superhuman in a way.
I just read the book "Why Men Love Bitches" and it pretty much confirms all of my thoughts on this subject. Ideally a woman is confident and independent enough to never get too emotionally involved, but few women are so the rest of us have to fake it with "games." Being somewhat emotionally undetached only comes naturally to most of us when we don't care that much about the other person.
Somebody give me a good reason why I'm wrong here.
Last edited by shadowplay; 30th October 2007 at 1:59 AM.
I'm with you on everything. I wish it weren't the case but there's too much evidence supporting what you wrote and none at all to the contrary.
My ex, in his own words: "I wish you didn't CARE as much!"
Whenever I played the pulling game, he'd get closer. Eventually it just got exhausting though; I realized I'd rather be alone than have to screw with his head every time I wanted some affection.
Every ex I didn't give a sh!!t for (and mistreated in small ways) was madly in love with me and brokenhearted for a good deal of time after it was over. Every guy I demonstrated care for didn't give a sh!!t about me. (And the care came first, in case anyone was going to suggest I tend to go for a$$4oles)
I've even tried out social experiments relating to this at parties and stuff. If I try to look hot but kind of ignore whoever is trying to pick me up, he'll try harder. Even if I'm being rude - he'll chase me all over town to get my number. If I act like I care about what he says, interest levels plummet.
It's ridiculous. And, I'm hoping, maybe it's just our age group. Maybe these morons in their early twenties will mature in a couple years and it will be different.
Oh, and I wanted to add.... from my perspective as a woman (relatively) recently liberated from a relationship heavily ladden with the kinds of games you speak of, it just isn't worth it to be with someone with whom you have to play those kinds of games, someone who doesn't WANT your affections. Your love is the most precious thing you can give to somebody. If he is going to reject it, it's because he doens't want to even begin to give as much as you have, and you don't want someone like that. It's just too exhausting to have to always watch out how much you love. If he doesn't want your love, screw him. Love yourself, love your family, your friends: people who appreciate it.
you made some excellent points. I would agree with you about how being calm, cool and natural is antithetical to the infatuation stages of a relationship, but in fact, being calm, cool, and level-headed are *critical* to successfully navigating the beginnings of a relationship (i.e. don't lose your head and go nuts about the other person to the point where it's unrealistic or you scare them away). catch-22.
Same here! This guy I dated for three years and wasn't in love with is still obsessed with me. I don't deserve his love. I treated him pretty badly and used him in some ways. Once recently I even asked him "why do you love me if I treated you so badly?" And he said that he can't help himself and he "just does" even though he realizes that I didn't treat him well.
Sure shadowplay, there definitely is some benefit to playing games, otherwise people wouldn't continue to do it. So if that's what you decide you feel comfortable with, go for it. There are plenty of guys out there that will play along with you as well as introduce you to some games of their own.
What really matters, is whether that's the kind of relationship you want to have. Games will typically push good, solid people away and keep the controlling or insecure guys around. If that's your target dating demographic, play away. Many people live a life of playing games with relationships. Some of them, I guess, would even say they're happy.
__________________ We may be sitting on the rooftop instead of painting the town pink, but that's a pretty good time in my mind.
I'm with you on everything. I wish it weren't the case but there's too much evidence supporting what you wrote and none at all to the contrary.
My ex, in his own words: "I wish you didn't CARE as much!"
Whenever I played the pulling game, he'd get closer. Eventually it just got exhausting though; I realized I'd rather be alone than have to screw with his head every time I wanted some affection.
Playing games is exhausting. I've been playing games with this guy for four months, but I'm not convinced there's any other way. It's certainly done the trick so far. I just don't know if I can keep it up. I have too many other things in my life to worry about now. Even though I really care about him, I'm almost tempted to end things because I'm starting to feel emotionally drained.
Quote:
Originally Posted by spookie
It's ridiculous. And, I'm hoping, maybe it's just our age group. Maybe these morons in their early twenties will mature in a couple years and it will be different.
I hope so do, but I don't believe men ever really mature.
What really matters, is whether that's the kind of relationship you want to have. Games will typically push good, solid people away and keep the controlling or insecure guys around. If that's your target dating demographic, play away. Many people live a life of playing games with relationships. Some of them, I guess, would even say they're happy.
But where are these "good, solid people" you speak of? I haven't found any. I still believe 99% of people respond to games, whether they admit to it or not. It makes me think it's something intrinsic in our nature as human beings.
Last edited by shadowplay; 30th October 2007 at 3:00 AM.
hey shadow, after reading your posts on stargazer's thread, i felt compelled to respond to this. oh babygirl, i think you are extremely careful and insecure. it seems like you try so hard to be so distant in sheer fear that you may otherwise portray yourself as needy and dependent on his affection. why do you feel that you are be needy?
why not do things in moderation? i'm sure you will enjoy not being an ivory tower... and trust that you will not be excessively obsessive.
I'd love to believe that just being honest and yourself is enough, but there's sooo much evidence to the contrary. I mean practically every thread of heartbreak on this forum is a case in point. It's always some girl or guy who was dumped because they cared too much and pushed their partner away with their "neediness"/"dependency."
The posters on this site (and I am one of them, obviously) are about .000001% of the general populance (and I got lazy about the zeroes, so please don't quote me - I'm sure there should be a LOT more). Not exactly a good statistical sampling, and certainly not enough to base an entire philosophy of relationships on. If you were completely satisfied with your relationships...would you be on this site? Would anyone? Not likely. So you have a skewed perspective from an infinitesimally small segment of the dating population....I wouldn't bank on anything decided here. This is for amusement purposes only.
But where are these "good, solid people" you speak of? I haven't found any. I still believe 99% of people respond to games, whether they admit to it or not. It makes me think it's something intrinsic in our nature as human beings.
Maybe you're not meeting or attracting them because of the games you play. That would be the logical answer.
For the most part yes, I have. I broke it off for reasons that I still struggle with to this day.
See there you go...I'm willing to bet you broke it off in part because you were freaked out by the intimacy/commitment since she was open with her emotions. You may not even be aware of it or willing to admit this to yourself.
Guys who care tend to get screwed as well so it goes both ways. I am actually with a woman who cares just as much as I do and I admit that I keep freaking out because it is hard to believe it is real but it is. I am lucky enough to have found it and it happened by being myself. Just be yourself and you should find what youa re looking for soon. Believe me there are plenty of men who would love to find a drama free woman who doesn't play games.
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