[amber6584]

I dont know what to do anymore. I am at the end of my ropes. My husbands Ex-wife will just not back off. She is always trying to tell him what to do and how to do it. She hates me which she has never even really met me. Things are so horrible I dont even know if I want to be with my husband anymore. We have NO PROBLEMS but with her. She trys to use their daughter to control every situation. When he can see her and what he can do. She always scolds him like a child. But the worse part about all this is he allows it. It makes him mad but he wont say anything to her. She left him because she was cheating. So why is this being taken out on me and what can I do to stop it!!! Please Help.

Close To Divorce for the wrong reasons

[tikigods]

Are there kids invovled? If not then why is she sitll in his life at all? If there are then you are going to have to deal with the fact she will always be around, and unless he does something things are never going to change

[amber6584]

Yes there are kids involved. He has a seven year old daughter. I just dont know what to do to fix things. It is not a problem that she is around. I am far from a jealous person. The problem is the constant need for her to try and to control my husband. I just dont know how to change things...

[littlekitty]

Amber, the truth is - YOU can't change things. Only your husband can change this situation!

While the situation is effecting you, you aren't a big enough part of it, to be able to make any changes. The only thing you can do is outline to your husband how unhappy this is making you, and work with him to achieve the end goal. Help him make the changes that need to be made to resolve this. Unfortunately though, he's going to have to want to make those changes in order for anything to happen.

Firstly where does he stand with visitation? Is it all legally sorted out? If so, he can stand up to her on that side knowing he has a legal right to see his daughter.

Basically he needs to strap a pair on and stand up to this women!! But seriously, only he can stop her treating him this way. You may have to go through a hard patch before you come out the other side, but she will eventually see that she can't push him around anymore.

Do you think your husband can change how he reacts towards her?

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by littlekitty

Amber, the truth is - YOU can't change things. Only your husband can change this situation!

The ex I used to have to deal with did the same thing. She alienated our children from me then tried to leverage financial benefits from me using them to do so. As soon as she found out I had remarried she became even more intrusive; calling, complaining, demanding, etc.

At first I fought her but that just made it worse. I finally simply extinguished her. Just as a fire will go out if you rob it of oxygen, I took away her means to continue. I told her that she was not to call our home or my office unless it was a true emergency involving one of the children. If that occurred she could page me at the number I gave her but that was the only time. I also told her that violation of that would result in a restraining order because her actions were inimical to the peace and order of my and my wife's home.

Quite frankly, it drove her crazy(er). She had needed me as an outlet for her anger and stinkin' thinkin'. Now it was all bottled up.

She'd also remarried (the boyfriend she'd met seven months before we separated and divorced) and I told her she wasn't authorized two husbands -- the "good" husband at home who got all the benefits (that's a stretch) and the "bad" husband in his home who got all the blame. It just sounded too polygamous to me.

At issue is the fact that I stood up to her willingly and very directly. She was my problem, not my wifes, so it was incumbent upon me to deal with her, put her in her proper, post-divorce place and have done with her.

It worked!

[loyalfriend]

Amber, what does his daughter do to try and control things?

You are married to this man, so I think you have some rights over his daughters punishment.

Of course you shouldn't put your hands on her, but you can be firm, and send her to her room.

This might make her not want to come around as much, because she knows she can't control you, but this is the only way.

If she's not going to respect her fathers wife, then she needs to know that it is not acceptable behavior.

If he is taking you for granted and really lets her do this--even after you told him how you feel, then I wouldn't blame you for divorcing him.

He will never be happy in any relationship he tries to build, if his daughter keeps being manipulated by her childish mother.

Does your husband realize that this is an issue?

If he actually sees that his daughter is acting this way out of her mothers wishes, then he should seek some legal help.