Okay, so I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is I just wanted to get some second opinions. Short version is: My fiance who I had been with for 8 years left me just over 2 months ago. I have been no-contact now for 8 days fully (before that was light contact). I talked to her last week (before going NC) and she basically said this:
She didn't know if things could work out between us. She didn't want to be with me how things were now. If things changed then maybe but it was impossible to say. Okay that doesn't sound too hopeful but ...
She then listed everything she was looking for in her next "partner" (as if there was no way that could be me) followed by "that's something to think about if you want to be with me again".
She also said that if she met someone she liked then she might pursue a new relationship. She is using an online dating site (and has been since week 3 of the break up). I never realised that would hurt so much - looking for new love so soon!
Her sister has been speaking to me and said she is still very emotional and hurt (she had felt neglected over the last year). She also has a mild depression. Her advice was that she was confused and emotional and I shouldn't read too much into it.
I'm doing the NC for me - so I can get some healing done, but it's damned hard to focus on much else.
Am I total fool for thinking that things could work out?
NC is for you and Her to clear heads and take a step back(and don't forget to make you stronger and make her miss you). Yes this is a time for you to heal. You remind me of myself about two months ago I was asking everyone if she would come back I gave them the whole story I would talk to, I MEAN everyone about it. You cant be trying to get answers on what she is gonna do or if shes gonna come back. No one, probably not even she knows what she is gonna do. Life is a journey, enjoy every bit of it. If you had to ask me, think of it as a break not a break up.
Best of Wishes to you MattyTee
__________________
I cant always be waiting on you. I cant always be playing your fool I keep playing your part I've had enough mystery. Keep building me up, then shooting me down. Well im already down Just wait a minute.
However, when she does contact you, you dont jump.. you wait it out dont be accessible one bit act busy.. You let her go the extra distance to talk to you.. then you use the tools you already have to get back together with her.
Yeah - it's a real rollercoaster! I'm trying to do the right things and keep myself busy. Still having on and off days ... but we'll see how it goes eh.
Keep with NC and move forward with the assumption she isnt coming back!
"She then listed everything she was looking for in her next "partner" (as if there was no way that could be me) followed by "that's something to think about if you want to be with me again".
She also said that if she met someone she liked then she might pursue a new relationship. She is using an online dating site (and has been since week 3 of the break up). I never realised that would hurt so much - looking for new love so soon!"
If a woman ever said some **** to me like this I would have booted her ass to the curb so fast her head would spin!!!
Go get some new coochie you deserve it!
__________________
This gun means you are the weak and I am the tyranny of evil men, but I'm trying, I'm trying real hard to be the sheppard...
The fact that she's already looking for a new partner...that gives you your answer. She's not into you. She's trying to be nice. Don't expect her to come back to you.
Good for you for sticking to NC.
__________________
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." - Douglas Adams
Emotionally I'm feeling a bit more stable now - I cry less and I am working on myself.
Rather than being angry at her I just tried to put myself in her shoes. I don't know how she's feeling, I don't know what she's bottling up ... so I'm giving her whatever space she needs. If she decides that she really does want to be with me then she'll let me know that at some point and we can go from there. Personally I think after an eight year relationship looking for someone new after 4 weeks indicates a lot about a person's state of mind (fear, scared of being alone etc) rather than an asuredness of what they want.
What I am fed up with though is people trying to be nice. If you break up with someone you need to be crystal clear on what you want. Trying to be nice never works and will always hurt the other person a lot more (believe me I know). When you break-up with someone you are already going to be hurting them - drop trying to make yourself feel better by adding in lines like "We can still be friends" because it's incredibly selfish and hurtful.
Yah try to deal with a situation where you have a child involved. Moving on is next to impossible when you see your partner in them every time that you see them. I am in the same boat, but with my wife of 12 years. We had 2 months of scorched earth. Court dates, expensive lawyers etc. Now we are about a month from the date we should be divorced and suddenly she is listening to me. I asked her to try therapy from the beginning. She is seeing a shrink on her own, and so am I. Plus we are seeing one together. Things are just in the starting phase. Things could go any way. There is no healing of wounds for me. There never will be. Our child will always open them a little. Can't forget about someone who touches your life so deeply. I may be an idiot for even considering working on things when she is the one who checked out of the relationship. But I guess my heart will scream louder than my rational mind.
As for being foolish, I don't think so. You have invested a lot of time with this woman. Could it be more cold feet about getting married? How long have you been engaged? How far away from the wedding were you?
Last edited by marsbars; 13th October 2007 at 5:32 PM.
Reason: added content
Well my heart goes out to you man. You are very right, at least there aren't children involved. I appreciate the pain you must be going through.
I'm not sure if you are asking for an opinion - but I'll give one anyway
I think if you still love her then working on things is never going to be a bad thing. It's great you can see a therapist together and working on yourself with one is also a good thing. I wish my ex would go to therapy with me! We have to remember in situations like these that the other person is also just human - they make mistakes, they get scared, they bring in a tonne of crap from childhood and past relationships too ... we have to learn to forgive.
It could be cold feet. Engaged 2 years and no set date for the wedding - but I was moving out to live with her. It was a long-distance relationship for a long time.
She's younger than I am and it might be she needs to find herself. That would be okay if it didn't involve looking around for other men so soon. I honestly don't know what's going on for her. It is possible she's just very confused about what she wants. I can't help loving her and as you mentioned my heart is infinitely louder than my mind on this one I just have to focus as much energy as I can on bettering myself for now. If she decides to get in contact again she'll find me strong, confident and having improved on the areas I needed to. If I still feel the same way - I'll let her know if that time comes.
The fact that she's already looking for a new partner...that gives you your answer. She's not into you. She's trying to be nice. Don't expect her to come back to you.
Good for you for sticking to NC.
I know Blue, it's just a bit of a kick in the balls. I keep thinking that the timeline - i.e. just 4 weeks before she's looking means that something isn't quite right. But maybe that goes back to the being a big fool thing
I don't expect her to come back. I would of course like it if she did. But either way - I'll love her through everything anyway!
I know Blue, it's just a bit of a kick in the balls. I keep thinking that the timeline - i.e. just 4 weeks before she's looking means that something isn't quite right. But maybe that goes back to the being a big fool thing
I don't expect her to come back. I would of course like it if she did. But either way - I'll love her through everything anyway!
You sound like my ex (although I'm sure our situations are somewhat different). He used to say this too...and then he got over me. And now, he's a very happy guy (with a brand new gf who may become his fiance). I tell you this because people DO move on (including you!). Just keep up the NC.
Sound like your ex in what way? Because I'm surprised at the short time it took her to get over me? Do you mean you had moved on quickly or he had?
I can't help feeling something is wrong if a person is able to move on out of a 2 year engagement and 8 year relationship and look for another partner straight away. Perhaps that's just not my mindset. Perhaps I don't know how as well as I thought. There are a lot of 'perhaps'
Well, I'm not saying that I won't move on. Right now though I'm no way near ready for any kind of relationship - I'm taking some time to get to know myself, work on the bits that need work and start building up some decent feelings about myself! I waited 21 years for the 'right' person to come along and I'm more than happy to spend time alone. I don't need her to be happy but I would like to share my life with her. Moving on for me right now means moving on from where I was at before in life - not finding someone else. I still love her as much as ever and I'll always be there for her if she needs me (she knows how to get hold of me). For now at least, I shall continue to want to be with her but deal, day-by-day, with the reality that we are not together for now. Who knows what will or won't happen in the future
I moved on quite quickly (we were together for approx. the same amount of time as you two). We were also to be married next year...
He swore that he'd never stop loving me. That he would hold out hope for a long time... And then one day, he simply got over it. It was too much for him.
So with moving on quickly, it's hard to understand from my side at least. Does it mean that she was already thinking about that before breaking up with me? I can't understand how she can want to be close with someone else so soon. Holding hands, kissing etc. I honestly don't understand and I have been trying to.
I'm not going to argue with you about whether I'll always love her etc. I can only feel how I feel right now and the only thing that could prove anyone right is time anyway I could be different from your ex you know
Still, I'll move on for now anyway. There'll always be a little bit of hope - but I'm not going to let it rule my life and my actions. If she needs time to find herself or work out what she wants in a person then so be it. If she does come back then I'll be willing to work on it with her, if not then I'll just love her and let her be ... happy. I want her to be happy in the end
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
