I've given up even bothering to look at the "breaking up" or "second chance" threads. Who am I kidding? It's been way too long for either of those.
After he broke off our four-year relationship last March, he decided that he still wanted a friendship. I couldn't imagine never talking to him again, so I went with it. We've only "hung out" two times since March, and the last time we didn't talk about the relationship at all (which actually really sucked, because that's all I really cared to discuss with him
).
But I'm starting to realize that I haven't healed enough to forge a friendship with him. I can't stand the fact that I still analyze his e-mails maybe for some figment of hope that he'll come back. I can't stand the recurring dreams about him. I can't stand that twinge of desire that I feel every time I see him. I can't stand how frequently I want to look at his Facebook, just to hurt myself by seeing how well he's doing with his new girlfriend and new life. I feel so pathetic because it's been so long, and I feel like I'm not moving or progressing at all.
Of course, I don't want to put an end to things, but it's obvious that that's what has to be done. I can't be held back anymore, by him or by myself.
God, how I hope I stick to this.
I really think that a change of scenery would do me good, but I think to be effective that change would have to be permanent. And unfortunately, I am a college student, and that won't be an option for at least 2-3 more years.
I don't know how much longer I can take running into him and having him come to the same club and group meetings that I do though...
I can't talk to my friends about him anymore because they don't get it, and after this much time (and at my age), I can't expect them to get it. This is my only outlet about him. I'm usually silent because I don't feel like I should be talking about him anymore, but sometimes I just can't help it.
Linear Mode
