Caring, nice guys, when it suits...question for normal guys
If you had a girlfriend who was ill, and throughout the relationship had difficulty in commiting to you, but also was very ill sometimes and you said she could call any time for help, because that was most important....
Well if eventually you tired of her lack of commitment, and stopped being in love with her but "still cared", so you broke things off. Well then say she was a little confused and wanted to talk about working things out, but you were adamant that, that was it. You had lost those loving feelings and it was too late to work things out...
Well say she accepted that a tad emotionally, but understanding of your position and agreed it was best for all concerned.
Well say she got ill again and called and left a message saying she was very ill, because, well you said you still cared alot about her, and since you dumped her, and are very sure about this, and have lost all loving feelings for her anyway and you know that she is fine about this too....
Well, would you:
Answer her call?
Make sure she is alright?
Do something to help her out?
Ignore her?
Something else?
I would do something to help her out, but as indirectly as possible ie asking a friend to help. I would not ignore her at any costs, that's just cruel.
It is a ploy that some people use to stay involved with other people - I'm going to off myself, I'm so depressed etc... almost the same as "accidentally" getting pregnant before the person breaks up with them.
In this case, you may have to be very firm with them and assist but repeatedly repeat this doesn't change my feelings and that you are going to need to eventually be able to deal with this on your own. Otherwise, you are going to get stuck being the rescuer all the time.
Being in this person's life, no matter if she says she accepts your decision or not, is just going to prolong your involvement with her and her with you.
It is a ploy that some people use to stay involved with other people - I'm going to off myself, I'm so depressed etc... almost the same as "accidentally" getting pregnant before the person breaks up with them.
I know that people do use this ploy, if they were dumped and desperate to do anything to get the ex back.
Different entirely though, if they had never been able to commit to the relationship and had said as much after the break-up aswell. That the choice was best for all, and had been rational, even if a little emotional.
AND if the illness had been ongoing throughout the relationship, and the guy has cared when he thought he might get a desirable result from caring.
Quote:
In this case, you may have to be very firm with them and assist but repeatedly repeat this doesn't change my feelings and that you are going to need to eventually be able to deal with this on your own. Otherwise, you are going to get stuck being the rescuer all the time.
That would be a reasonable and compassionate response.
Quote:
Being in this person's life, no matter if she says she accepts your decision or not, is just going to prolong your involvement with her and her with you.
That may be so, and would not be the best course of action in the long term, but if the break up was recent, and you knew that she was a reasonable human being, who would agree to this also, then a listening ear or small amount of caring would surely not be too much to give.
I would do something to help her out, but as indirectly as possible ie asking a friend to help. I would not ignore her at any costs, that's just cruel.
Thanks superhands and dont know how to double quote in a post so......
I'd check to see if she was okay and help out if I could.
Thanks also Madgun,
Yes its okay, I know the truth. That "caring" was in fact a ploy, to use within the relationship and actually only then when convenient, i.e. no other plans made.
One of the reasons for not being able to commit in the first place in fact.
I just cannot stand it when guys pretend to be NICE to get what they want.
I guess it depends on the situation. Once when I was still in school I caught a bug and and became very sick. It happened so quickly and I got so weak I could barely move.
The last thing I remember that day was hitting speed dials on my phone. It turned out I'd dialed an old boyfriend. He must have known something was very wrong because he just came over. He had the scare of his life when he found me almost dead.
He brought me to hospital and stayed a few days until I regained consciousness. He wasn't a friend anymore then and still isn't one, but I'm lucky he was a decent person.
As ever everyone is different. But personally I would not think twice about at very least answering the call and helping out if possible. Unless for some unseen circumstance here, why would anyone do anything but that??
__________________ I tell you that as long as I can conceive something better than myself, I cannot be easy unless I am striving to bring it into existence or clearing the way for it. ~George Bernard Shaw
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