Hey everyone Ive been lurking on here for a while & finally decided to post. None of my friends/family know my full situation & sometimes its hard not getting a 2nd opinion so thats why Im here.
Ok basically Ive been involved with a MM for just over 5 years. His wife found out about us very early on & was angry but not distraught, she said she just wanted him as he was a great father to their 2 kids. He has had affairs before & she didnt seem shocked to find out about me. Since then she has found out stuff every so often- checked his phone or emails etc & sent me messages saying she knows its still going on.
Anyway, for the last 3 years he has been saying he wants to be with me, live with me, get married to me etc. It has been finances getting in the way- he nearly went bankrupt & Im a student so neither if us had the money to put a deposit down for a house. I still live at home with my parents & I dont have the money to move out as Im in my last year of studying. His house is mainly owned by his wife as she inherited it. We have always said we will move out as soon as things improve with his work & I finish studying as then I can start my career.
This year he's got back on his feet financially & has bought a business abroad (his wife remortgaged the house in order to lend him the money) and things seemed to be looking up. I have accompanied him every month this year when he's been working abroad & we have spent a lot of time together.
He said to me that he would stay abroad for 2-3weeks a month & come back here to see his kids & me. However, he recently told me his wife cant handle the kids full time & they miss him so much that they are all moving abroad with him!! We had a major argument & he said that he would still come back once a month to see me & deal with the side of his work based here. He said he'll have his business abroad finished by summer next year & then will sell it & move back here. With the money from the sale of the business he will be able to pay back his wife & also have enough left over to move in with me.
He was very upset, said he didnt want to loose me, said he'll call me all the time & when he comes back every month we'll have a week or so together nearly 24/7.
I am accepting this because I love him, I believe him & I cant just throw the last 5 years away. I have decided if he's not back by next summer then I wont wait any more. He is adamant it will not be any longer. I guess I just want some advice, I know it will be really tough not seeing him for 3 weeks at a time & I will be very worried that the whole family might settle where they are abroad & decide not to come back! What do you guys think? Am I being a total idiot? For me, I guess this is the last chance, if he doesnt come back when he says & we are not together in a years time then there is no financial reason, it would be because its not what he wants, no excuses.
Any input would be great, thanks guys.
Last edited by CAT100; 1st September 2007 at 8:41 AM.
Reason: typo
This man isn't ever leaving. His wife knows about you, and allows him to stay married to her. Why would he divorce and demote himself down to a part time parent, when its not necessary? He gets to keep his wife/family and he gets to keep you on the side. For him its not broken, so why would he fix it? He is getting the best of both worlds: a wife who looks the other way, and a girlfriend who knows her place.
Neither of you are knocking him off the fence, but I can tell you this - if he was to be knocked off the fence it would not be in your favor. He and his wife just made a major investment together, and he can't even go a few weeks without his wife and family by his side - and you actually expect him to leave permanently? Sorry, but that isn't going to happen.
He's happy seeing you when its convenient for him - that works best for him.
You'll either have to accept your permanent and limited place as the OW in this relationship, or you will have to move on.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
Oh gosh... well, I have to say I agree with LB... if his W knows what he is like and he's making the plans that he's making, then it doesn't look good. He has two women in his life who each know about the other, and are pretty much prepared to share him...
I can understand your not wanting to throw away five years, but what's worse... throwing away five, or six..? Or seven..?
If I were you I'd make this moving abroad thing your chance to let this go... and start your new post-graduation life afresh, without him.
Sorry...
__________________
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." ~ H. G. Wells
I am a OW and I have been in a R for almost 5yrs too. His W knows about me but she thinks we are not having a affair anylonger.
He is not leaving, my MM.
Sorry for say that but yours is leading you on. I agree with both LB and Frannie.
Sorry.
__________________ Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
(Kahlil Gibran)
I appreciate what you have all said & I kinda expected it but it still hurts to read
This LDR thing has only been the last month or so, and he said it was all about his kids not her. He has boys & they are a bit unmanageable, his wife just said she couldnt deal with having full time responsibility for them for 2-3 weeks out of 4 for the next year.
So he said he had to move the kids to be with him otherwise they'd go off the rails. I do see that his kids have to come first & this has been something Ive never had a problem with.
I just cant throw everything away now because of this move. His house here is currently being rented out until they all come back. I made enquiries with the estate agent & they said the rental agreement is 1 year, which is what he said.
For me I need to wait until the deadline has passed, and get on with getting a job here etc so that if (hopefully more 'when' not 'if') he comes back there will be no reason for us to not be together. There will not be finances to hide behind, if thats what he's doing.
I guess until then I will have hope & this is last chance time, if things are not worked out next summer then Ill call it quits but until then I just cant
I know some of you may think Im being pathetic & I can understand that, but Ive put so much into this relationship that I cant quit until its really spelled out for me & I have lost all hope. And until the deadline of next summer Im going to keep hanging in there
After reading your post I wonder if the W is still aware of his A. Did he tell you this? Have you been in contact with her to know his statements are truthful? I can not comprehend a woman sharing her husband. From your story that you posted, she had loaned him money to buy a buisiness over seas and moved the family to be with him does not sound as if the marriage is ending or that she plans on leaving him. Woman do not lend thier WS money to better WS's life if thier own is falling apart. It just does not make any sense to me. Could be wrong though. I would not wait until next summer to find out. If she truly knows the A has continued and has no problems withit then he should not mind if you verify this information with her, right?
__________________ Out of all the things I lost....I miss my mind the most
I guess until then I will have hope & this is last chance time, if things are not worked out next summer then Ill call it quits but until then I just cant
I know some of you may think Im being pathetic & I can understand that, but Ive put so much into this relationship that I cant quit until its really spelled out for me & I have lost all hope. And until the deadline of next summer Im going to keep hanging in there
Well some people on here will think you're 'pathetic' and a lot worse, but who cares what some people think..?
You're being honest with yourself about how you feel now, and what you think you can do. Personally I think that's a lot better than a load of bluster and anger, NC and then reversing the whole thing because you miss him.
People have said they can't see a lot of reason to be hopeful in your situation, and objectively you would probably say the same. But when you're in it, the hope is there, and the relationship and feelings are real so... what can you do..?
The thing is, your MM has several reasons why he 'can't' leave... first finances, then kids (or that his W can't cope)... plus he also has a very understanding W who is more than willing to put up with his behaviour. AND he's had affairs before. I mean.. that's one huge catalogue of reasons not to take a word of his about leaving. What possible reason could he have for leaving..?
^ The last time I had contact with her was about a year ago, when she opened his emails & found some from me. She sent me an email saying 'Well I see you are still seeing ********, perhaps you could get in touch & let me know what your intentions are?' I didnt speak to her but I emailed her back.
Have not heard from her since then so it is quite possible that she doesnt know its still going on. He says he doesnt see the point in 'rubbing her face in it' until he has a moving out date. I have met her on a few occasions & she has said she just wants a family unit & he is much better at dealing with the kids than her. She also said she doesnt appreciate him getting up to stuff whilst living in her house, and if he wants to be a player why doesnt he just move out. As I said, she wasnt hugely upset, more angry. Up until recently she has always had more money than him so I guess hes been 'keeping her sweet' in order to borrow money for his business.
At least they havent sold the house here, its only rented for a year. He has been re assuring me, calling me a lot, crying (which Ive never seen him do before & really shocked me) saying hes counting the days till he can sell up & move back here. He says he wants to have children with me, wants to marry me, Im his soulmate. I have to give him this one last chance I just have to
(My last reply was to Hurt& alone regards last contact with his wife. )
Frannie- thanks, for me its been so long that Im not going to give up unless I have to.
Hes had affairs before as his marriage was going downhill a long time ago, but the kids were young so they decided to live under the same roof but that was it. His wife even confirmed this to me.
He said to me that I am the best thing to happen to him & he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.
When he moves back here, he said he will want to live near the kids & he thinks his wife will let him have unlimited access, so this is what Im waiting for- to see if this happens. Whilst hes in another country he has ti be with his kids & unfortunately that also involves being with their mother
^ The last time I had contact with her was about a year ago, when she opened his emails & found some from me. She sent me an email saying 'Well I see you are still seeing ********, perhaps you could get in touch & let me know what your intentions are?' I didnt speak to her but I emailed her back.
Have not heard from her since then so it is quite possible that she doesnt know its still going on. He says he doesnt see the point in 'rubbing her face in it' until he has a moving out date. I have met her on a few occasions & she has said she just wants a family unit & he is much better at dealing with the kids than her. She also said she doesnt appreciate him getting up to stuff whilst living in her house, and if he wants to be a player why doesnt he just move out. As I said, she wasnt hugely upset, more angry. Up until recently she has always had more money than him so I guess hes been 'keeping her sweet' in order to borrow money for his business.
At least they havent sold the house here, its only rented for a year. He has been re assuring me, calling me a lot, crying (which Ive never seen him do before & really shocked me) saying hes counting the days till he can sell up & move back here. He says he wants to have children with me, wants to marry me, Im his soulmate. I have to give him this one last chance I just have to
Good luck to you and I hope everything works out the way you want it to.
He said to me that I am the best thing to happen to him & he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.
When he moves back here, he said he will want to live near the kids & he thinks his wife will let him have unlimited access, so this is what Im waiting for- to see if this happens. Whilst hes in another country he has ti be with his kids & unfortunately that also involves being with their mother
If this is really true, then what you need to do for yourself is tell him goodbye, for now - Go no contact and let him know that you won't be the OW in his life anymore AND when the papers are signed, sealed and delivered, THEN you two can hook up...Make it more honest and start it off properly, rather than you stay the OW in his life. I don't get how some expect someone to jump out of a marriage and right smack into another committed relationship so quickly after a marriage ending...People need time to heal and to be alone between relationships, rid of some emotional baggage.
Have not heard from her since then so it is quite possible that she doesnt know its still going on. He says he doesnt see the point in 'rubbing her face in it' until he has a moving out date. I have met her on a few occasions & she has said she just wants a family unit & he is much better at dealing with the kids than her. She also said she doesnt appreciate him getting up to stuff whilst living in her house, and if he wants to be a player why doesnt he just move out. As I said, she wasnt hugely upset, more angry. Up until recently she has always had more money than him so I guess hes been 'keeping her sweet' in order to borrow money for his business.
At least they havent sold the house here, its only rented for a year. He has been re assuring me, calling me a lot, crying (which Ive never seen him do before & really shocked me) saying hes counting the days till he can sell up & move back here. He says he wants to have children with me, wants to marry me, Im his soulmate. I have to give him this one last chance I just have to
She's said she wants him because of the 'family unit' and that he's a good father. But she's also said that if he's having affairs she doesn't want him? Which is why he's not 'rubbing her nose in it' (i.e. telling her the truth) because she'd kick him out. So he's staying married because of financial reasons..?
Because if he's such a good father, surely it would be better to move out and share custody..? Or something practical..?
Why do people get themselves into such messes..? That's rhetorical... I'm in a similar sort of situation myself, only my MM's W has no real idea what's happening. I say to myself that if she DID and he lied to her about it then I'd be disgusted with him, but what's the difference really..?
Tell me again what's supposed to happen in a year's time that will change this situation in any way..? Is she suddenly going to be 'better with the kids' (whatever that is about), or he going to be less needy of fleecing her financially while sleeping with and promising a future to someone else..?
If this is really true, then what you need to do for yourself is tell him goodbye, for now - Go no contact and let him know that you won't be the OW in his life anymore AND when the papers are signed, sealed and delivered, THEN you two can hook up...Make it more honest and start it off properly, rather than you stay the OW in his life. I don't get how some expect someone to jump out of a marriage and right smack into another committed relationship so quickly after a marriage ending...People need time to heal and to be alone between relationships, rid of some emotional baggage.
While that might seem logical, I've really never read of a MM leaving his marriage for 'himself' without an OW somewhere in the background. I know there's OldEurope but she seems to be by far the exception in this, and her NC was short... certainly not a year of nothing...
But of course, leaping out of one relationship straight into another isn't a brilliant idea. Bit late for that though if these two have been together for five years already...
Tell me again what's supposed to happen in a year's time that will change this situation in any way..? Is she suddenly going to be 'better with the kids' (whatever that is about), or he going to be less needy of fleecing her financially while sleeping with and promising a future to someone else..?
In a year the situation will be different in that he will have sold his business so will financially be in a position to move out.
Re the kids- the reason they are with him now is he will only be able to come back here 1 week out of 4, and this is not enough time with them & his wife cant cope with them alone for this length of time
When he comes back however, he and I can live near his wife & kids & so he can see them whenever he wants (as opposed to being in another country)
Last edited by CAT100; 1st September 2007 at 11:55 AM.
Reason: typo
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Ive been lurking on here for a while & finally decided to post. None of my friends/family know my full situation & sometimes its hard not getting a 2nd opinion so thats why Im here.
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