Thanks to everyone who's been following my story and posting advice. It's been an incredible boost.
A few weeks ago I started a thread entitled, "The Urge to Contact Him is Killing Me." It's been 8 months since the first "stage" of our breakup, over 7 months since we've seen each other, and over 6 months since his cold, angry e-mail to me, the contents of which I've posted in this and other threads.
I have decided to contact him. I saw a yootube video of Laird Hamilton, the extreme surfer, sailing through an enormous tsunami of a wave and when asked why he put himself at such risk he said, "Because I feel the most alive in these conditions. Face it: we used to be at high risk every day, from wild beasts, from everything under the sun. Now we've gone too far in the other extreme--we can go through our whole lives never really taking a risk." It's true. If I don't do this, I'll always wonder "what if." I don't really know whether I'm "prepared" for whatever his response might be; if it's really cold or nasty or otherwise door-slamming or degrading I may well drown in misery and anger. I guess I'll just have to trust that I'll somehow get through it--I'm not going to be slammed into a coral-spiked sea floor if this proves to be the wrong move.
So I need your help with what to write. I've bought a blank card with a simple non-"girly" design on the front and I'm going to mail it to him with my return address showing that I now live in Manhattan. Inside this is what I'm thinking of saying:
[GreenCove's Loved One],
How are you doing? This week notwithstanding it's been an unusually beautiful summer in terms of weather and I hope you've been enjoying it. I'm living in Manhattan now--it would be really good to see you sometime for a coffee or drink. Hope all is well with you.
Take care,
Green Cove
My aim is to sound respectful, dignified, and clear without being over-eager. I'm afraid of sounding desperate, lame, pathetic, or like I've got something big up my sleeve.
Some questions: should I include a vague line about what I've been doing to enjoy the summer? Like, "I've gotten to do some good kayaking with promise of more soon, which is great." Should I leave out "coffee or drink"--or just leave out "drink"? Should I directly ASK him if he'll see me? Like, "I'm living in Manhattan now--could we meet up sometime?"
Any input welcome. Help! I want to get this in the mail tonight so I can not have to think about it as much as possible the rest of the weekend.
That all sounds very calm and dignified. I wouldn't change a thing, and you are right : nothing ventured nothing gained !
__________________
-----------------------------------------------
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils." - Louis-Hector Berlioz
Thanks guys--should I be more specific about WHY I'd want to meet up? Like, "I'd really like us to be friends." See, I left that out because I don't want to define what we're doing from the get-go. I'm hoping that the fact alone of my sending him a communication, speaks everything that needs to be said regardless of its contents: that I still think of him, that I've missed him obviously or I wouldn't be sticking my neck out, that I don't think he's a jerk. It doesn't *necessarily* suggest I haven't "moved on," does it?
If you were the recipient of this letter, what do you imagine you'd feel? He was very hurt and angry at the time of our breakup.
Sorry--I just need to obsess about this a little more before I seal it up in an envelope and can't change anything. I'm shivering right now!
I'm sorry but I don't know your back story. WHY was he hurt and angry ? Who initiated the break up and what was the cause ?
Regardless, unless you tell me he beat you or cheated on you, I think the letter is fine, and DON'T add anything else, don't overthink, what you have is perfect.
I'm eating breakfast now and then I'm going to take a shower and head out for the day. When I leave, the letter is coming with me and going to the mailbox. This is my last chance to prevent myself from making a gross error of judgment, if that's what it is.
A friend who was friends with my partner before I met him hypothesized to me last night that HE'S probably not ready to communicate with me. She doesn't understand what I see in him and said in her opinion he's a "Joe Schmoe" who has nothing interesting to say, he's a nice guy who was very helpful to her but basically she thinks he couldn't handle me a) because (in her opinion) I'm smarter than he is, b) I'm too independent for him, c) I'm too passionate for him, and some other things I've now forgotten. She thinks he'll go after some cute girl with not much interesting to say so that he can always feel like he wears the pants in the relationship, and she thinks that a big reason I was attracted to him was because he, unlike me, has a big, loving family and I felt "safe" with him because of that.
She went on to say that I'm a very forgiving person and I am much more willing to give people second chances than she or anyone else she knows is. She said that for her, when someone cuts her off and refuses to speak to her, sure she's sad, but ultimately that person has just revealed to her that s/he is not worthy of her friendship.
Now, it's true that I'm apt to give people I ever cared about many chances before I stop seeking them out and give up on them. It's not that I don't have boundaries, I don't think, because I do discern pretty readily when I'm not being treated the way I feel I should be treated. I have no tolerance for rudeness from people I dislike; I don't usually call them out on it because the drama isn't worth my time; I just simply stop communicating with them unless absolutely necessary.
But my friend's words made me think about this situation. I was no saint in this relationship and did do and say things that would reasonably make him angry. But I don't feel that anything that happened between us merited the disrespect he exhibited toward me at the end. He degraded me at the end, which is why it's so hard for me to feel I can write to him: if we'd broken off with some mutual respect shown one another at the end, then I wouldn't have to feel like the scraggly scoundrel a*s in writing to him. And I wonder whether it's not time to not be so forgiving. Why shouldn't he have to sit with those last words he spoke to me? Why should I give him a "free pass" by writing to him? Doesn't my writing to him only tell him that I feel I must have DESERVED to be spoken to like that in his e-mail?
I guess while on the one hand writing him makes me feel and look (in his eyes) pathetic, on the other hand the truth is that I can extend a second chance because frankly I have contempt for how he handled himself in writing that last e-mail to me. I think that was so childish and I feel like I am a very strong personality and so a part of me feels it's nothing to extend these "second chances" because I've already decided I'm above their shi**y behavior.
I don't know; just thinking outloud and questioning how I draw my boundaries. I must say that as crummy as this time in my life has felt, being in the "darkness" like this has given me opportunity to examine things about myself I've not bothered to examine in some time. It hurts, but hopefully I can emerge much more strong.
Any thoughts on this are welcome. I really learn from you guys on here!
Yes, I included my phone number. Don't know how he could have forgotten it given this is the number I've had since September 2003, but just in case.
I guess underpants that this is a second chance FOR ME. When the whole breakup happened I was not as dignified as I'd have liked to have been. At first I told him, "Don't contact me unless you want to get back together," and then I turned around and contacted him, and when our 5-year anniversary rolled around in January I sent him a picture of us ice skating on a previous anniversary and asked if he'd just please come out ice skating and see how it felt. I asked if we could please discuss this together so that we could give BOTH OF OURSELVES better closure. I sent a long letter to him apologizing for the various things I felt I mishandled and said I hoped we could try again on a better footing.
He threw all of that back in my face. He was ugly to me on the phone; he told me to get lost. I am someone who believes that when people act like that they don't feel good about themselves for doing it, but something about what my friend was saying to me made me think that maybe some people do things like that and really don't feel any compunction.
I'm second-guessing because maybe I really can just accept that this is it with him--"it" meaning the ugliness at the end is the way it's just going to be and we can't sit over coffee and shoot the breeze and have an amicable acquaintanceship. I guess what I want from him by writing to him is some kind of RESPECT. But I don't really need it from him. I mean, if after 5 years with me he has no respect for me, then screw him. And if it's not about respect, but the feeling he had that he just "can't handle me," then it's so much his loss it's not even funny. And if that's the case then he's proven himself not to be equal to me, which is what my friend was saying: that we were not equals, leaving him constantly feeling overwhelmed and me constantly feeling overbearing.
As for the "thinking." Yes, I have a brain and I'm going to use it. Look, it's a crossroads for me PERSONALLY in a way that has nothing to do with him. Of course I'm going to bloody well think about what I'm doing here. Maybe it's time for me not to look so idealistically at people's behavior and just cultivate the attitude that if people are fine with their *****y behavior then it's not MY job to try to make it right. He was ugly towards me, he said he wants nothing to do with me, so I should give him what he wants. This line of thinking is new to me. I tend to believe that NO ONE feels good when connections are severed in an ugly way.
Have you forgiven him for the nasty way he ended things, and the pain you've been feeling? Because your note certainly does imply that all is forgiven and forgotten.
Yes, I included my phone number. Don't know how he could have forgotten it given this is the number I've had since September 2003, but just in case.
Okay, sounds good. That with the short note you wrote earlier. That should do it perfectly. Have you dropped it in the mail? I say go ahead, just do it. Then I really would suggest you mark your calendar for Sept 8.
I guess underpants that this is a second chance FOR ME. When the whole breakup happened I was not as dignified as I'd have liked to have been. At first I told him, "Don't contact me unless you want to get back together," and then I turned around and contacted him, and when our 5-year anniversary rolled around in January I sent him a picture of us ice skating on a previous anniversary and asked if he'd just please come out ice skating and see how it felt. I asked if we could please discuss this together so that we could give BOTH OF OURSELVES better closure. I sent a long letter to him apologizing for the various things I felt I mishandled and said I hoped we could try again on a better footing.
This is the past. It is just the past. You have to let some of that go and get out of dwelling on past things. Especially if you attempt another friendship or anything else with this guy. Even for yourself. Gots to let it go. Learn from it and I know that is where you are at, but you have to put it away to move forward.
He threw all of that back in my face. He was ugly to me on the phone; he told me to get lost. I am someone who believes that when people act like that they don't feel good about themselves for doing it, but something about what my friend was saying to me made me think that maybe some people do things like that and really don't feel any compunction.
I cannot speak for him. Some people do get ugly when it is over. It is a defense mechanism. I've done it. It severs ties and forces a break. Not always the best approach but when overwhelmed some folks act out in this way. I am thinking he did really care for you and respect you. You two dated for 5 years. Something had to be there. Ending a relationship of that duration is hard for both sides. His anger may have been misplaced. Not excusing it, but just offering an explanation.
I'm second-guessing because maybe I really can just accept that this is it with him--"it" meaning the ugliness at the end is the way it's just going to be and we can't sit over coffee and shoot the breeze and have an amicable acquaintanceship. I guess what I want from him by writing to him is some kind of RESPECT. But I don't really need it from him. I mean, if after 5 years with me he has no respect for me, then screw him. And if it's not about respect, but the feeling he had that he just "can't handle me," then it's so much his loss it's not even funny. And if that's the case then he's proven himself not to be equal to me, which is what my friend was saying: that we were not equals, leaving him constantly feeling overwhelmed and me constantly feeling overbearing.
I like this. So true. This might be a big conflict that could have led to a very unbalanced union. Sad, but this could very well be the case. Some people just can't be friends with an ex. It is a reminder or it prevents them from getting past the past. This is not a reflection on you. It could just be the way he handles this type of stress.
I have an old ex that dumped me after 3-4 years. 12 years later I had to contact him for a reunion event. He is married with a child and he still hates me or was very angry toward my contact. Funny. It validated the break up, even 12 years later. I was glad I didn't wind up having to cater to his anger and resentment about little shat. He is still the same I imagine.
As for the "thinking." Yes, I have a brain and I'm going to use it. Look, it's a crossroads for me PERSONALLY in a way that has nothing to do with him. Of course I'm going to bloody well think about what I'm doing here. Maybe it's time for me not to look so idealistically at people's behavior and just cultivate the attitude that if people are fine with their *****y behavior then it's not MY job to try to make it right. He was ugly towards me, he said he wants nothing to do with me, so I should give him what he wants. This line of thinking is new to me. I tend to believe that NO ONE feels good when connections are severed in an ugly way.
Yea, it sucks. You can't open up somebody's brain and put it in there. There is no point of view gun, although I wish there was. You are right it is not your job to fix people. You can certainly reach out. Time has gone by and he might be past those bad feelings. Maybe not.
If he has a pattern of harshness, anger or resentments. You might need to realize that this is not a compatible personality for you. Heck, you might sit across from him and feel absolutely nothing. I have found it is impossible to really change anyone. You can influence people to make changes for themselves sometimes but, even that is rare. All you can do is your best for youself and evaluate potential mates along the way. If they can't be an equal partner to you then let them go.
I feel enough love for him still that I could forgive him IF he responds in such a way that validates the feelings I still have for him. If he's nasty again, then after being heartbroken afresh for a while I'll honestly have to say that someone that committed to his grudges isn't someone I could be with. If he ignores my letter then I'll go through a period when I'm full-blown furious with him and that will probably hurt the most. If he replies wanting to get back together (an unlikely possibility) of course I'd be thrilled beyond belief, but sadly I fear that it would be very difficult for me to make myself vulnerable to him in that way again after all that's transpired over the past 8 months.
So I guess this letter is more of a "test" than a genuine statement of forgiveness. It's an INVITATION for him to handle things better than he did. I've never been on the receiving end of a communication like this so I don't really know how transparent it is or not.
So I guess this letter is more of a "test" than a genuine statement of forgiveness. It's an INVITATION for him to handle things better than he did. I've never been on the receiving end of a communication like this so I don't really know how transparent it is or not.
I think if he felt guilt or regret at his last words and how things ended, or if he was worried about you, the note would very likely put his mind at ease.
It's a note he could feel comfortable responding to if he did want to get back in contact with you, meaning he wouldn't fear that you were harboring anger and pain that he'd have to deal with.
A few weeks ago I started a thread entitled, "The Urge to Contact Him is Killing Me." It's been 8 months since the first "stage" of our breakup, over 7 months since we've seen each other, and over 6 months since his cold, angry e-mail to me, the contents of which I've posted in this and other threads.
I hope it goes well for you. I would, however, caution you not to expect too much. If he shared your current feelings or regret over the break-up and separation, 6 months is plenty of time for him to have initiated some contact. He's probably moved on.
Thanks Lucky. I agree with you. I know putting this letter out there is going to hurt unless he replies and is game to meet up. From there I'm open to a number of outcomes. But if he's ugly or ignores me, it's really going to hurt. I guess at this point I feel I've struggled against not contacting him for so long that the only way to move onto the next stage--of grief, or towards some form of reconciliation--is to take this chance.
I agree that 6 months is more than enough time for him to take some action to meliorate his regrets, but knowing him it's also possible that he feels those regrets/wishes things were different but won't take the initiative because it's too risky. I accept that with him I'm always the one who has to take the initiative. The thing is, I notice that this is the case with everyone I know except for two of my friends. This experience with my partner-no-longer is making me very aware of that, hence my questioning in the posts above of how I handle interpersonal matters. Maybe it's time for me to grow a tougher skin and hold out for people who are equals in every sense, who take initiative, as well.
I mean, it's not that my partner isn't my equal. He's smart, well-liked, good-looking, comes from "quality" stock, athletic, has a lot of interests--and these are all things I know to be true of myself, as well. But I guess except in the athletic and close family departments, I'm MORE than his equal, and I always felt that and I think, unfortunately, so did he. I'm not getting on a high horse here just stating what I felt to be true. I thought it was okay that we had these inequalities because I felt various of our personality attributes balanced them out which I always felt made us a wonderful match.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
