This is my first posting on this or any other site. I feel that I have so much to say and offer in terms of advice (for what it is worth) as I have lived with a Sex Addict for 20 years. Let me say, however, that like most addicts and addictions, it is very secretative. Hence, until I suddenly became suspicious 10 years into our marriage, there were the signs but no hard evidence. Not until I stopped the asking "who" "what" "where" "when" and "why" .... and went on a mission.( I would advise strongly however not to go searching for evidence, etc unless you have already thought through what you are going to do with the information once you have it. )
Sexaholics aren't sexaholics because they want to be. They don't set out looking to destroy relationships. Unfortuantely, they do. That doesn't give them the right to ruin the lives of their significant others. We allow them to upset usand disrupt our lives... Again, we can love them or leave them. And when I say "love them"...I say it in very broad terms. Love them enough to help them get into recovery. Love them enough to set boundaries.
Perhaps I am rambling...on a bit of a roll....but, perhaps someone out there would like to respond and keep this thread alive!
Has he ever considered going to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting? Have you considered Codependents Anonymous--a lot of partners of addicts go to these meetings.
My husband went to SA...or so I thought...turns out he was lying about going to them...instead going to RONA and shopping for power tools!....that was 7 years ago. Today I set out to find a SANON for myself. At least I know that I will go!
Well good, but maybe you can go with him to a few SLAA (or SA) meetings until he is ready to go by himself. Doesn't sound like you can trust him much. I wonder how you deal with it? I've had my share of sex addicts, though they couldn't even see that in themselves, and it is maddening. I read your reply in the post about the married woman and adult friend finder. I agree with you 100%. If he's looking, he's doing. And there's nothing anyone can do about it if he's not willing to own up and get help.
however, I know from past experience, that my husband will not be going to any self help group, nor weill he go to a counsellor. It is because of his shame...but,funnily enough,there is also some arrogance.
So...you may ask, why would I stay? Hmmmm there are just as many reason to stay as there is to leave!
I guess you've come to some peace about it that other people would not be able to. My view is that if someone is trying to change that's one thing, but with no effort, it's over for me, for my own sanity. But I don't know your circumstances. So good luck.
I can say as far as myself goes, that if I never acknowledged that I had issues or sought out some help for it, I would be doing the same damn thing.
It might have cost me my relationship forever, however I am praying that is not the case.
Its like anything else, if the person doing it doesnt recognize it or seek help for it, it will not change.
I know in my heart that I loved her, I still do, it kills me typing this.
We do it for ourselves, its selfish, we dont think of you or her when we are doing it, we our thinking of ourselves.... Its when the me, me ,me gets broken that the eyes open and someone could try and address their own issues....
Find a way to make them get help, even if it means leaving, thats what made me finally realize the hurt and pain that I was causing, it doesnt make it right, but it might be the bomb to make them realize what is really going on, not what is in their head.
SS, could you tell your story as to how you discovered that your husband was "addicted" to sex? And what did you find that made you suspicious?
What was his life like that made him turn to porn? Was there other women? Was it online addiction? Was it magazines and videos? Was it with prostitutes?
This info may be helpful to others. And others may have new advice for you.
__________________ “Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." --Unknown
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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