Newly married and just discovered my husband has a gold Adult Friend Finder account..
Hey everyone,
I'm quite possibly overreacting, but I was using my husband's laptop yesterday while he was at work (my computer crashed) and went looking for a page online that I had lost. I looked in his history and saw that he had visited Adult Friend Finder earlier yesterday. Out of curiosity (and because I thought he might have been checking out cute naked pics of gals, which I don't mind), I clicked on the page.
To my dismay I found he had a fully paid account (gold membership -$150) which he had purchased earlier in the year. His profile lists him as "married" and looking for a one night encounter/discreet relationship, and he has his photo online.
Not only does he value honesty more than anything else (he says he could never lie to me), but he's been going on about how weve been having the best sex of his life (certainly true for me) since we got married in April of this year. We've been married just on 4 months, he says he is rapt that I'm here and always says he's incredibly happy.
I'm always up for spicing up our sex life (I'm bisexual and have told him I'd be up for a 3some if the situation arose) and I was interested to see he wrote that he "never wants to have boring sex" on his profile.
We've been together for nearly 4 years (only in the same place at the same time for 2 1/2 of them!) and I finally moved to the US from Australia to be with him/get married this year.
I looked through his profile - he hasn't contacted anyone in the past 30 days but has been doing searches.
I was shocked when I saw his profile, so I probably did the immature/wrong thing by starting up my own profile and contacting him for a "possible one night adventure." I sent him some pics of a sexy gal with a great asss (I'm
cute but have a flat ass - something I know he wishes I did!) and suggested we meet up.
So should I talk to him before he responds in a possible way that I don't want (i.e. responding to my "fake" profile) or should I organise to meet with him and turn up at the arranged time and it be me??
Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated!!
I guess I should also add that he has cheated on me before (just kissing when he was drunk) when we were living in seperate countries. I completely forgave him for it, though I was very upset and appreciated the way he told me immediately afterwards. He has always prided himself on his honesty (he says he couldn't lie to me), so I'm really confused as to what this is all about.
Perhaps he is looking for someone to have a threesome with you? Even if he isn't I'm sure that is the "explanation" you will get. I know if I were in his shoes, and could sweet talk you in order to get away with things like he is doing, then I would use that excuse myself... I can hear it now... "But baby, I'm doing this for US..."
It would be interesting to see where he goes with your fake profile girl. I would fly under the radar and bait him and see what comes of it. Be prepared though, for something you don't want to see. Men don't tend to speak too kindly of their spouses when they are trolling for strange (unless he is legitimately looking for a threesome partner, but if he was he would have involved you from the beginning...) Keep it going long enough for him to dig a really deep hole. When he is at the bottom, and you have finally had enough - set up a meeting and then meet him there.
He has likely cheated on you more times and to a greater extent than you are willing to admit to yourself. Perhaps this little adventure will open your eyes to that, and you can begin decide what to do next.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
Firstly, I would state to him that you would be upset if he ever practiced infidelity without your knowledge.
I would also keep up the act to see how far he's willing to go and be at a predetermined meeting time and place, but not show myself. Make sure that when you're baiting him, let him know you don't do threesomes, to see if he continues pursuit or interest. If he continues to bite and arranges a meeting, you've caught him with no excuses.
So should I talk to him before he responds in a possible way that I don't want (i.e. responding to my "fake" profile) or should I organise to meet with him and turn up at the arranged time and it be me??
Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated!!
Many thanks
Reminds me of the old "Pina Colada" song from the 70's/80's where the guy puts an ad in the personals, gets the reponses that match his dream gal and meets up with the respondent only to find out it's his GF. Somehow, in the song she never asks why he was placing the ad in the first place .
I think you should go through with the charade. Certainly be interesting to see his reaction, might tell you a lot...
CyberTofu, your situation is truly difficult, but I am against keeping up the charade, even though it would make a good story. I might be inclined to just sit him down and tell him you found this account, and expect not an explanation, but for it to be deleted immediately. How can you trust him, I wonder. Maybe the kiss was innocent, but this is not.
For the record, my last bf, who lived with me, was carrying on all sorts of cyber-flirtations and cyber-sex with women, and our relationship just got worse and worse until it exploded. He was really setting himself up for his next conquest. The deviousness of it got to me, not to mention the lying, the disrespect, and the realization that this was what he was like. I could not trust him afterwards. Luckily we were not married. It hurt a lot though.
Be brave--confront him. Make sure you're not with a cheater for life.
you also shouldn't be surprised if you find him on this type of site again. Or, like my husband, once found out, goes to a different medium.
You are probably a beautiful woman, and you may be right that you two have the best sexlife imaginable.However, when a man who has all that finds himself on these kind of sites, with fully paid accounts, we are talking sex addiction...perhaps in it's infancy. But it won't get any better. And certainly you pleasing with himto stop ...or yelling, or threatening won't change anything. He needs counselling now. You may think that is extreme, however, you are not the only person with a husband who is doing the exact same thing. Some wives find out and leave.Some chose to ignore (out of sight, out of mind). Or you can be understand, yet firm, and say you will help him by seeing he gets some help. Unless he isn't worth the effort. It will be a battle, because now that you know he is dishonest, you will always be checking on him.
BTW...my husband of 20 years is the quintessential "good" boy, great son, no. 1 employee - all around sweet heart....unfortunately, his "dark side" is macho.He looks for women who are the ages of our own daughters! He is into alot. Yet, it all started innocently enough with a fully paidmembership to a adult friend finder. You husband sounds like aq person who is strugglingto be seen as the really nice guy that he is...but all people have a dark side....even if it is a teeny-weeny, innocent one....or a full blown destructive one.
Firstly, I would state to him that you would be upset if he ever practiced infidelity without your knowledge.
I would also keep up the act to see how far he's willing to go and be at a predetermined meeting time and place, but not show myself. Make sure that when you're baiting him, let him know you don't do threesomes, to see if he continues pursuit or interest. If he continues to bite and arranges a meeting, you've caught him with no excuses.
I agree with this and I am a guy...probably obvious.
He cannot say you entrapped him if he emails you back. But I would suggest that you let him be the one to make any moves or flirtations. Otherwise, he can say that you did entrap him. Do not email him again if he does not respond to you.
If he does email you back, let him make suggestions as to meeting and sex. Let him make flirty comments.
I am sorry to hear of this, but it may be as suggested. He may want a threesome, but I doubt that because if he wanted you involved, he would have told you of this account. If he wants another girl for a threesome, I think he would want you to approve of the woman he picked.
__________________ “Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." --Unknown
I agree with this and I am a guy...probably obvious.
He cannot say you entrapped him if he emails you back. But I would suggest that you let him be the one to make any moves or flirtations. Otherwise, he can say that you did entrap him. Do not email him again if he does not respond to you.
If he does email you back, let him make suggestions as to meeting and sex. Let him make flirty comments.
I am sorry to hear of this, but it may be as suggested. He may want a threesome, but I doubt that because if he wanted you involved, he would have told you of this account. If he wants another girl for a threesome, I think he would want you to approve of the woman he picked.
Good thoughts James.
I think people need to understand that in order to fix or sever a marriage, you don't take issues lightly and you need concrete proof that one party is not abiding by the terms and conditions of marriage as agreed to, by both parties. Circumstantial evidence isn't good enough unless you want to flake out of a marriage through assumption and suspicion. Also, to falsely accuse your spouse of infidelity, can cause irreparable damage.
Well it's not exactly falsely accusing him when he clearly has an account and a profile and has been searching. That is what needs to be put on the table, not accusations of infidelity at this point. What if he never replies to her email, should she just forget about what she found and never bring it up? Would you want to have that unspoken knowledge about your spouse, especially when he has been unfaithful before?
A gold friend finder account isn't exactly like getting a free webmail account. You know there's more involved and you know it will surface sooner or later. If you show your hand immediately, he will only go further underground with his needs.
If u actually care about him, lay it all on the table now.
If I would have had that happen to me sooner, I wouldnt be posting here now.
I wasnt married, just in a 4 yr relationship with a very beautiful woman, who is no longer with me now.
It was yahoo or AFF, I wasnt out screwing people, but I always had to browse, find someone to flirt with when I was sick or pissed, or fill in the blank. If I would have seriously talked to someone sooner, my current situation would be much better off.
I have been reading relaitonship boards, 3-4 books on relations and cyber infidelity and going to SLAA meetings twice a week and I feel like a human piece of crap realizing what I have done. People can change its whether they want to or not.
I'm destroyed inside and love her with all my heart, it may not matter.
Im just saying it that sometimes people are too dumb to realize what their doing whether "addicted" or not. Its just not something that registers on you personally
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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