I ended it. Need to rant and could use some support.
After fighting for so long. After trying for so long... grasping at straws to make this relationship work, i've done it. I've asked him to leave.
Everyone tells me that i'll be so much better off, that I can do better. I'll be happier, then why do i feel as if i'm dying inside?
The relationship was abusive to say the least. He seemed to get worse after i got pregnant. No matter how hard i tried, I just couldn't do anything right in his eyes. Whether it was my behavior in front of company (which i still don't get) or it was communication. He was never happy with me as a person. My councillor really open my eyes with her validation to all of the aspects of the relationship that i had problems with.
My therapist, a constable, and some people here helped me see it as a whole.
The daily critizism I recieved-- Aside for the daily critisizm i'd get, the kicker about this one is the therapy. He asked me to see a therapist. In hope that i would be able to fix my "problems". I went on the promise that he'd follow me after one or two sessions alone. When i went the first time, after i got home he demanded I tell him everythign that was said. I wouldn't because it was confidential. But as usual, after grilling me for sometime, I told him that I gave her our whole relationship history. He was upset. Upset that I told her that he beat me. ... "ugh, all the cops in town think i'm a woman beater, now i have to defend myself against her too?" Every time i'd come back from a session, he'd be cold and would start a fight. Asking me if i was going to tell him what I told her....
Then on Wednesday, It wasn't only my session, he tore a strip into me about many other things as well. He had an accident in my car in february. The thing about this is, that he doesn't have a license. So I had to take the blame while dealing with insurance. In addition to the $700 deductable, it was going to cost a horrible rating on my license and in addition, I'm being fined $500 for the bad rating. I was telling him on IM that it sucked that i had to pay for this because it wasn't me that had the accident..... All he could say as "****ty, I guess we are even now." I was very upset with him after that insensitive comment.
But guess who get's crap for the insentsitive comment? Me! I got crap for saying "it sucks that i have to pay this $500 fine because it wasn't me that got into the accident." I practiced my communication skill here, and managed to avoid a big fight... he left the room for a while only to come back to give me crap about LS. He told me he read my posts for that day, and accused me of sending "innuendo's" to a male on this site. Which I practically laughed at. Because as plain as day.. no innuendos we being thrown around. Even if i wanted to playfully flirt with anyone I wouldn't dare. He checks my posts every day and critisizes any advice i've given, or has yelled at me countless times for things i've posted. Which really limited my posting to the entertaining threads. Ones that made me laugh and brightened my day. I felt I could never post my views on things, because I knew that I'd hear that I was wrong or more of his critisism after he'd read it. After this it was my email. He asked me "so what did you all delete from your email before you gave me your password?" It was everything. Almost like he was trying to get me to tell him it was over and to leave.
I haven't given up this site for him, because I love it and need it. Also, another reason why i haven't given it up for him is because to me, it seems as if it would be another means of control for him.
The mental and verbal abuse, after now experiencing them both, this is the worst thing you can do to a person. Oh the horrible words that were said. The most hurtful thing that runs through my head everyday is "I hate you, I wish you dead". Those words are going to haunt me for a long time. I am guilty of verbal abuse as well. I've said alot of horrible things in the heat of the moment to hurt him as well. I regret doing it. This, on my part improved after I stopped drinking. I also noticed how those words cut like a knife hearing them with a sober ear. Because he got worse after I got pregnant and stopped drinking.
The physical abuse (unlawful confinement). He only beat me black and blue once. Lately it's been confinement. The horrible thing about this is that, when he'd do this, It would make me feel powerless, and clausterphobic. When he wouldn't let me out of the room, or let me leave the house, my temper would flare, and i'd start calling him horrible things, as well as push and hit him to try to get out. After we'd make up from our fight, not only then, but after i'd pushed him or whatever i'd regret it, and feel remorse. He'd call me the abuser, because i'd push my way through the door, or slap him in frustration because he wouldn't let me out of my room, or wouldn't let me leave the house. I started to feel like one. But i've been reasurred that it was in defense. Unless the constable that arrested him and my therapist were just blowing sunshine up my arse, i've come to believe that he is one, and not myself.
The worst part of it is the reason he treated me the way he did. His ex. I've finally faced the facts. The facts that were screaming at me through out our relationship, He's still loves her. He's never loved me. The pictures, the phone calls behind my back, the emails... the CHEATING!
Since wednesday I've been strong. But something had to break the damn, and it tore it apart. I found the only picture of me that he had, left on the pool table after he'd packed some of his things. This hurt me terribly and shook me out of my stupid denial. He'd never asked me for a picture, let alone in the 3 years we've been together, we never had one taken together. BUT while we were together he asked her for pictures of her. He's had a drawing in his sketch book of her for who knows how long. What does he do on his way out? Leaves behind the only picture he had of me. Thats what broke the dam. Then his words after I ripped up the drawing of her. That he'd "put up with me long enough". I know i shouldn't have ripped up the drawing of her. It was childish. But it made me feel good for a millisecond. I'm horrible. I know.
I've made tones of mistakes in this relationship as well. I'm have tonnes of sharp edges. That will smooth over time. The worst things about it is, that he "put up with me" for so long. When all i wanted was to forgive him and love him. I couldn't forgive him though. There wasn't any room! I'd keep catching him with her email, or fxcking pictures or her #'s disguised. She was never far enough away for me to forgive him.
I'm such a fxcking fool! I feel like garbage. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.
__________________
Sometimes there is no darker place than our thoughts: The moonless midnight of the mind.
Last edited by Miss_Bee; 15th June 2007 at 11:21 AM.
Miss_Bee,
Your post here made me cry, and I don't cry easily. I cried because it hurt to read about what you've been through, all of it, with this messed up man.
It hurt like h*ll that you blame yourself, and made me wish there was a way to comfort you besides this. I am also moved by how brave you are to ask him to leave. You feel like you're dying inside because your relationship is over, and that feeling happens even in bad ones.
Wish there was more I could say, just sending my heartfelt HUGs your way.
__________________ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde
MB, I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it. You're much stronger than you think you are. I can't believe you put up with that kind of behavior. I would have called the police on him! Locking you in your own house? Wow. I divorced my ex for a whole lot less that that. How long did you put up with that nonsense? Doesn't matter though. What's important is he's gone. Now you can heal. And you don't need that kind of stress while pregnant.
Come here and post all you want. This guy is not a man. He's a little boy crying out for help. No real man acts like that. And stop blaming yourself for the few times you actually stood up to this animal. I think you need to stay in counceling, MB. It's not right for you to think you're terrible and horrible when you react to his abuse. It tells me that you're in danger of repeating this same pattern with another creep.
Stay strong ok. And PM me anytime you just want a friend or to vent. Can you PM now?
I'm really proud of you. So many women can't do what you've done. Don't let him back. And make sure he pays child support.
Hugs, MB Take care, ok?
__________________
Do you really want to get rid of that monkey on your back?
The worst part of it is the reason he treated me the way he did. His ex. I've finally faced the facts. The facts that were screaming at me through out our relationship, He's still loves her. He's never loved me. The pictures, the phone calls behind my back, the emails... the CHEATING!
I just wanted to address this, MB. This man still loves Her??? I don't think he is capable of loving anyone. I think he pulled the ex out and waved her in your face as another way to keep putting you down, to tell you that you "weren't good enough". And he was clearly "using" her to keep you in your place. Sounds like she might have participated in this sick charade, for her own messed up reasons. Chances are that when he was with her, he had an "ex he loved" that he waved in her face. And chances are, he'll call you and tell some other poor woman that You were the love of his life.
Stay brave, MB. Bravery is being scared as hell, but doing it anyway. And you have a posse of people here on LS ready to say "go girl" anytime you want to hear it.
Miss Bee, this guy is a sicko. A complete control freak. The cheating was the least of your worries. I'm so glad you took your life back. What kind of complete and utter coward would beat up on a woman and confine her?
Kudos to you to have the strength to break away from such an abusive relationship.
Miss_Bee,
Your post here made me cry, and I don't cry easily. I cried because it hurt to read about what you've been through, all of it, with this messed up man.
It hurt like h*ll that you blame yourself, and made me wish there was a way to comfort you besides this. I am also moved by how brave you are to ask him to leave. You feel like you're dying inside because your relationship is over, and that feeling happens even in bad ones.
Wish there was more I could say, just sending my heartfelt HUGs your way.
Thank you so much Poly, Your words mean more than you know. I have hung on for so long, and endured all that was because i love him. As much as I don't want to... I do. I'm so tired of hurting. Of fearing that he'll hurt me again. Whether it's from him calling a horrible hateful bxtch, and that i'm the one that ruined this relationship... or finding out that he's contacted her again. That is the worst. The betrayal. Worse than the words. Worse than anything. Knowing that I can't ever live up to his "ideal". Which was obviously her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Touche
MB, I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it. You're much stronger than you think you are. I can't believe you put up with that kind of behavior. I would have called the police on him! Locking you in your own house? Wow. I divorced my ex for a whole lot less that that. How long did you put up with that nonsense? Doesn't matter though. What's important is he's gone. Now you can heal. And you don't need that kind of stress while pregnant.
Come here and post all you want. This guy is not a man. He's a little boy crying out for help. No real man acts like that. And stop blaming yourself for the few times you actually stood up to this animal. I think you need to stay in counceling, MB. It's not right for you to think you're terrible and horrible when you react to his abuse. It tells me that you're in danger of repeating this same pattern with another creep.
Stay strong ok. And PM me anytime you just want a friend or to vent. Can you PM now?
I'm really proud of you. So many women can't do what you've done. Don't let him back. And make sure he pays child support.
Hugs, MB Take care, ok?
Touche, You are one of the people that have helped me to see. I thank you for it. You astounded me that day when you knew right away, just from one sentence of mine on a random banter thread. I was in denial about the abuse, as well. I guess I just didn't want to believe it. You've helped me open my eyes to it.
To answer your questions, Yes. I have called the police, once. I called them about 3 weeks ago. When we would argue, I would always retreat to my bedroom because i didn't want to argue anymore. He'd always follow me in to yell at me some more. When I would try to get away, to get out of his face and his away from his words he wouldn't let me out of the room. That night i decided to go to my moms. I called to see if they were still awake, so went to my room to get a few things, and he wouldn't let me go. He said "no, you are not leaving". I finally managed to push past him, and when i did I called the cops instead. The constable was very nice, and he wanted me to press charges. All I had asked the constable was if he could take him to his BIL's for the night. But they said he started getting rowdy outside and took him in anyway. I heard a different story from him the next day of course.
I can PM all i want now. He was the one that asked that i turn off my PM feature. But it's over between us, so i've turned my PM's on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by polywog
I just wanted to address this, MB. This man still loves Her??? I don't think he is capable of loving anyone. I think he pulled the ex out and waved her in your face as another way to keep putting you down, to tell you that you "weren't good enough". And he was clearly "using" her to keep you in your place. Sounds like she might have participated in this sick charade, for her own messed up reasons. Chances are that when he was with her, he had an "ex he loved" that he waved in her face. And chances are, he'll call you and tell some other poor woman that You were the love of his life.
Stay brave, MB. Bravery is being scared as hell, but doing it anyway. And you have a posse of people here on LS ready to say "go girl" anytime you want to hear it.
About the ex thing. I'm not sure, but I think that he has done this to her also. She called me once, to tell me that if i was uncomfortable with thier friendship to say so and she'd back off and never tell him why ....which was a huge steaming pile of horseshxt. Anyway, when she called me and told me this, I told her that I couldn't. That I loved him and it's what he wanted, that as much as i wanted to i couldn't go behind his back and say "yes! I don't want him to maintain a friendship with you! I'm not sure if you know, but he cheated on me with you! WHY WOULD i be ok with this "friendship"?Back off and never call him again!"
She said, "well, your a bigger person than me, because I couldn't do what you just did." She has been there with his previous ex. So I think you have something there Poly.
I felt that if i did that, It would be me betraying him. But I made my bed. I wanted him to end the friendship because he could see how it pained me. Not because of her. I let him walk all over me. I pleaded with him when he came to me with it. He disregarded my feelings on the matter. That was the beginning of the end. 14 monthes ago.
Last edited by Miss_Bee; 15th June 2007 at 12:56 PM.
and from the sound of things, it has been a long time coming.
Don't worry about why he does sick things, or what he is feeling. He clearly has ...issues. Issues he himself refuses to address. Projection is a basic way of not addressing how your actions hurt someone else. Why fix myself when I can simply blame everyone else. Selfish and immature to say the least.
You know his true character and it does not sound like someone worthy of investing your heart, your life, and your child's life to.
Sorry, hun. Unfortuately there are quite a few bad apples out there. I do agree that you should continue therapy. You want to learn what attracted this unhealthy element into your life and what issues within yourself made you stay. Continued therapy and some good introspection could help you make wiser choices for yourself and little one in the future.
You are one a better path now, you took the first step.
Thank you so much Poly, Your words mean more than you know. I have hung on for so long, and endured all that was because i love him. As much as I don't want to... I do. I'm so tired of hurting. Of fearing that he'll hurt me again. Whether it's from him calling a horrible hateful bxtch, and that i'm the one that ruined this relationship... or finding out that he's contacted her again. That is the worst. The betrayal. Worse than the words. Worse than anything. Knowing that I can't ever live up to his "ideal". Which was obviously her.
Touche, You are one of the people that have helped me to see. I thank you for it. You astounded me that day when you knew right away, just from one sentence of mine on a random banter thread. I was in denial about the abuse, as well. I guess I just didn't want to believe it. You've helped me open my eyes to it.
I'm glad I could help you on your way to a better life in my small way, MB. Thank you for telling me that.
To answer your questions, Yes. I have called the police, once. I called them about 3 weeks ago. When we would argue, I would always retreat to my bedroom because i didn't want to argue anymore. He'd always follow me in to yell at me some more. When I would try to get away, to get out of his face and his away from his words he wouldn't let me out of the room. That night i decided to go to my moms. I called to see if they were still awake, so went to my room to get a few things, and he wouldn't let me go. He said "no, you are not leaving". I finally managed to push past him, and when i did I called the cops instead. The constable was very nice, and he wanted me to press charges. All I had asked the constable was if he could take him to his BIL's for the night. But they said he started getting rowdy outside and took him in anyway. I heard a different story from him the next day of course.
I can PM all i want now. He was the one that asked that i turn off my PM feature. But it's over between us, so i've turned my PM's on.
Ok, good. The fact that he even tried to control that is ridiculous.
About the ex thing. I'm not sure, but I think that he has done this to her also. She called me once, to tell me that if i was uncomfortable with thier friendship to say so and she'd back off and never tell him why ....which was a huge steaming pile of horseshxt. Anyway, when she called me and told me this, I told her that I couldn't. That I loved him and it's what he wanted, that as much as i wanted to i couldn't go behind his back and say "yes! I don't want him to maintain a friendship with you! I'm not sure if you know, but he cheated on me with you! WHY WOULD i be ok with this "friendship"?Back off and never call him again!"
She said, "well, your a bigger person than me, because I couldn't do what you just did." She has been there with his previous ex. So I think you have something there Poly.
I felt that if i did that, It would be me betraying him. But I made my bed. I wanted him to end the friendship because he could see how it pained me. Not because of her. I let him walk all over me. I pleaded with him when he came to me with it. He disregarded my feelings on the matter. That was the beginning of the end. 14 monthes ago.
I am so proud of you. Trust me when I say that you did the right thing. It will hurt now but it will feel a heck of a lot better down the road. Again, congratulations, I am very proud of you.
You should make his bum-as$ pay that deductible but after knowing all that has been said and done, its worth it to pay it yourself then having to deal with him again.
__________________
Minds are like parachutes......they only work when open.
I am so proud of you. Trust me when I say that you did the right thing. It will hurt now but it will feel a heck of a lot better down the road. Again, congratulations, I am very proud of you.
You should make his bum-as$ pay that deductible but after knowing all that has been said and done, its worth it to pay it yourself then having to deal with him again.
No thank you Rids . You been such a good friend and have kept me cheery all this time while I have been going through crap. You've really helped me alot. More than I can say. Honestly
About the deductable. Errrrrmmmmm.... Well see this is how i handled that. He had all his cheques DD into my account. So today when i took him his pay, I kept $100 dollars and gave him a note stating it was for what he owes me for the deductable. I don't know if he'll be upset over that or not.
He's been trying to be civil with me today and lastnight. But i've been giving him the cold shoulder, I've just been mad and hurt.
No thank you Rids . You been such a good friend and have kept me cheery all this time while I have been going through crap. You've really helped me alot. More than I can say. Honestly
About the deductable. Errrrrmmmmm.... Well see this is how i handled that. He had all his cheques DD into my account. So today when i took him his pay, I kept $100 dollars and gave him a note stating it was for what he owes me for the deductable. I don't know if he'll be upset over that or not.
He's been trying to be civil with me today and lastnight. But i've been giving him the cold shoulder, I've just been mad and hurt.
Thanks.
Of course he is going to be civil now. He lost you and he realized that he goofed up, so he is only putting on an act to woo you back. Don't fall for his traps.
He will probably get upset but that is typical of him. He should be paying for the whole thing. $100 is a nice start.
Of course he is going to be civil now. He lost you and he realized that he goofed up, so he is only putting on an act to woo you back. Don't fall for his traps.
Oh, I don't know about that. He told me that I'd regret telling him to leave. He said that in time i'd see how I ruined the relationship. That when i woke up, I would see what a mistake i've made.
Oh, I don't know about that. He told me that I'd regret telling him to leave. He said that in time i'd see how I ruined the relationship. That when i woke up, I would see what a mistake i've made.
He does this every single time you break-up with him. Why else would he do it? Becasue he wants you back.
Well I'd tell him, "Fine, I'll live with my mistake then..sayonara MF!"
He's saying that to you because he KNOWS you WILL start thinking like that. Don't let him play this stupid mind game with you. Show him the door and be done with him. Why are you even still talking to him, MB? I'm a little worried now.
Well I'd tell him, "Fine, I'll live with my mistake then..sayonara MF!"
He's saying that to you because he KNOWS you WILL start thinking like that. Don't let him play this stupid mind game with you. Show him the door and be done with him. Why are you even still talking to him, MB? I'm a little worried now.
He said this to me lastnight. After I got back from a meeting in the city I went home long enough to put my kids to bed.
He came into the room and said that to me. I have been giving him the cold shoulder, but he just keeps coming at me. He won't be out until tomorrow.
Do you really think it's a mind game? I mean you'd know better than me. I'm still so fruckin gullible and naive. Not as much as i was in the past. But yes... I'm still naive lol.
I seriously think that HE thinks he innocent in all this.
He says that i haven't done a thing since he's moved back here. He tells me that every time we'd fight which was every other day!
He said the same thing about my councilling. He will grill me after i come back from a session, asking me what i told her... then he tells me that councilling will never help me. He thinks that i've ruined this relationship. I think that his constant contact with his ex since April of last year has ruined it. Along with the emotional abuse and confinement. I can forgive him for those things. I don't know if i can forgive him for the pain he's caused with HER. I hate even thinking about her.
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I got crap for saying "it sucks that i have to pay this $500 fine because it wasn't me that got into the accident." I practiced my communication skill here, and managed to avoid a big fight... he left the room for a while only to come back to give me crap about LS. He told me he read my posts for that day, and accused me of sending "innuendo's" to a male on this site. Which I practically laughed at. Because as plain as day.. no innuendos we being thrown around. Even if i wanted to playfully flirt with anyone I wouldn't dare. He checks my posts every day and critisizes any advice i've given, or has yelled at me countless times for things i've posted. Which really limited my posting to the entertaining threads. Ones that made me laugh and brightened my day. I felt I could never post my views on things, because I knew that I'd hear that I was wrong or more of his critisism after he'd read it. After this it was my email. He asked me "so what did you all delete from your email before you gave me your password?" It was everything. Almost like he was trying to get me to tell him it was over and to leave.
I'm horrible. I know.
Take care, ok?
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