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Has anyone read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch?

I'm almost done with it and I'd like to discuss some of the concepts in it.

[Pilgrim]

No, but I've just ordered it. I'll get it in about 2 weeks so I'll log on again once I've read it.

[luvstarved]

I looked at the website and it sounds interesting and wonder whether you actually recommend it? I have read a slew of books on intimacy and still not getting anywhere really.

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Dr. Schnarch's ideas are a departure from traditional notions of sex/marraige therapy. Particularly...

1) When one partner complains that the other partner never wants to have sex, traditional therapy treats the low-desire partner as the one with the "problem." Dr. Schnarch disagees, and says you have to wonder why the high-desire partner wants to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them. In reading the examples of cleints in the book, what he really does is look at the broader emotional dynamics within the relationship. Interestingly, when the low-desire partner re-discovers their sexualality and wants to have frequently sex again, the partner who was complaining about not enough sex becomes the partner who is less interested in sex.

2) It has been my belief for a long time that the best sex people experience is with someone you've known a short amount of time, that you've just recently starting sleeping with. Dr. Schnarch says that the greatest potential for hot sex is among 40-50 somethings who have been together for years. I'm 45 and we've been together for 12 years, so this is what motivated me to rad the book.

3) The key in Dr. Schnarch's system is what he calls "differentiation." He says that relying on your spouse for emotional validation leads to people feleing "trapped" and boring/non-existant sex lives. Instead, he recommends that each partner stand on their own feet for validation & emotional soothing. This is very different from the "His Needs Her Needs" approch, where the partners are supposed to meet a negotiated list of emotional needs for each other. "Differentiation" is somehow supposed to lead to hot "wall-socket sex."

How is it working for me? To be honest, my wife is skeptical about these approches, and preoccupied by day-to-day challenges. We're actually having less sex now, because I'm not pressuring for sex to validate my ego, but I do feel a little better now that I'm trying not to lean on her for emotional support, which she is inconsistent about giving anyway. Bottom line: we're fighting less, but we're having less sex and I don't feel closer.

[StayClose]

I'm bumping this thread to see if anyone has read this book and can discuss it. The update is that my wife & I are working on some financial issues. We haven't had sex since I read this book (probably 1-2 months ago). She blames me and I blame her, or more accurately, she not interested in anything more than obligitory sex, and I'm not using obligitory sex to validate myself. When she wants to have a hot erotic time again, I'll be there, but I'm not going to put my penis in her just so I can reussure myself that my penis was in a real vagina recently. I'm been using porn more often, although I'm not sure if this is the self-validation and self soothing the book recommends.

"Differentiation" seems to help me deal with her emotional drama better, since I am not obligating myself to fix her bad feelings, but somehow we are jumping in bed together like the couples described in the book.

Has anyone else read this book, and what was your experience?

[JamesM]

No, I have not read it, but I will get a copy. I am also in a sexless or not much sex marriage. After 18 years, I am also looking for a way to improve it.

Regarding financial issues that you lightly went over...for many women this causes a lot of stress. And if she blames you for that, this will affect her libido. I would recommend Dave Ramsey for help in that area. This has been helpful in changing our financial situation.

One thing I have noticed...if you are reading this book to improve your SEX life, your wife will not increase her libido. This then appears as if you simply want more sex. If she perceives that you are trying to improve how you treat her and how you are trying to improve the marriage overall, then maybe the concepts will work.

It is similar to a diet (since there is a another thread about that). Small changes that become habitual have a better chance at improving your marriage than radical changes that do not stick.

How is it working for me? To be honest, my wife is skeptical about these approaches, and preoccupied by day-to-day challenges. We're actually having less sex now, because I'm not pressuring for sex to validate my ego, but I do feel a little better now that I'm trying not to lean on her for emotional support, which she is inconsistent about giving anyway. Bottom line: we're fighting less, but we're having less sex and I don't feel closer.

There are reasons here why you are having trouble. She is skeptical...only time (as in months) will change that. Preoccupation with day to day challenges will definitely put sex on a back burner. And you not pressuring her for sex may in fact also lead you to not show a lot of affection to her. Hugs and kisses do not always led to sex as you know, but they are a great way to show our spouses that they are appreciated and loved.

Why don't you lean on her for support? Does she lean on you? In a marriage, both people should be able to give support. This when done right improves the relationship and brings us closer.

Good luck. I have a similar situation, so I think I have an idea of what you are going through.