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Are these stages of recovery?
Long story short, H has had multiple secret 'friendships.' One of them lasted for most of our marriage, and only in the last two years did I become steadily more aware of the situation, and get more bits and pieces of the truth. He was good friends (at least) with her during the 9 months we were separated many years ago.
About a year ago, he assured our first counselor he was now an open book and that I knew it because he'd given me his e-mail password. Shortly after, I pieced together the likelihood that he was still e-mailing her, and he admitted to several conversations with her via his work e-mail. So much for open book-ness. A couple of months after that, I told him it was her or me, and he told me two days later he'd written her an e-mail ending all contact. He gave me no proof, said he immediately deleted his e-mail and her response, and 'couldn't remember' what he said in the e-mail until several months later, saying he can't remember things when he's upset. My only indication beyond his word that he might really have ended it is that it was closely followed by weeks of hang-up calls that ended promptly when I said, "How are you, [OW's name]?"
So... he has made major changes to the way he's treated me for most of our marriage. He treats me like a princess. He kind of sort of admits he can see how this was hurtful if I really push it. But we cannot discuss it. Two counselors have taken the attitude that we will only deal with the future and that I need to simply make a choice to trust him, regardless of 14 years of lying. He gets angry and defensive if I ask questions or bring it up, and most likely will lie at a certain point, anyway. So here I am, eleven months after he (probably) ended a 13 year secret friendship, struggling to deal with it.
I have good days, but certain things keep triggering responses. I teach music lessons, and for months, being in my studio has triggered thoughts of her. I'm not sure why, except that she and I both play the same, rather unusual, instrument, which I taught at a community college near where she lived. I've known for years she played this instrument, and that she lived there, but this only started happening about six to nine months ago.
That trigger is beginning to happen less frequently. But now, seeing Asian women is doing it. I've known for years that the few times H looks at porn, it's Asian women. And I've known for a year and a half that she is part Asian. But this has only started happening in the last two months.
Is this normal? Will each of these 'triggers' gradually pass? Can I expect that there will continue to be more things like this? Is it something my mind is just working through or what? Anything I can do to help in my own healing process?
Thanks for any advice or input.
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Z. I must be cruel only to be kind...Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
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