We got in a verbal argument last weekend and she spouted out she wanted a divorce. I thought that she was just mad so I dismissed it and today she said she'd like to meet with a divorce attorney next week. We don't use drugs, cheat, beat each other, no kids, good jobs, etc. I ask her why and she says she "hates being married"! That only 25% of it is me and 75% is the way she feels about marriage. This is both our first marriage (2+ years now) and we are in our late 30's. I tried to talk about counseling or even work it out between us but she said that no one can change the way she feels about marriage. I am so devestated and feel like such a failure. I mean I promised that I would wait for the perfect person in my life and do what ever it took to make it work. Now I can't eat, sleep, I find tears coming out at work, I feel so powerless to change things. Everybody talks about the money you lose and who will get the kids, but we don't have to worry about any of that. What about the feelings? I have felt sad breaking up with girlfriends in the past before but that was nothing compared to this. All my dreams, hopes, plans, my god I am losing 1/2 of me my best friend. I told her this would be easier if there was somebody else or my gambling/drug habit caused it. Maybe I hit her one to many times, but to just hear I don't like being married. We both live in a house that until we sell neither can move out, but it is so hard being around her and seeing the future without her. When I held her last night in bed I thought/knew one day I won't have her and had to go sleep on the couch because I started crying so bad. I have bought some books on marriage help and even signed up for a 1 day seminar on it. Do you think I have any chance of keeping her? I told her I would do anything to keep her, sell all my belongings, the house, boat, etc. She says she has already made up her mind. How should I act, what should I do, am I doomed?
Sorry for the rant....
Women tend to turn on men like that so don't let it get you down. Just move on and emotionally distance yourself from her. Let it go. There are many men going through the same thing you are and it has nothing to do with you.
We got in a verbal argument last weekend and she spouted out she wanted a divorce. I thought that she was just mad so I dismissed it and today she said she'd like to meet with a divorce attorney next week. ..
Interesting that such a serious statement would be dismissed.
I see many R's fail because a spouse dismiss or ignore clear statements.
Could this be the case here?
__________________ MAY THE FORK BE WITH YOU -YOU TAKE THE FUN OUT OF DYSFUNCTIONAL!
I know that everything feels bad right now, but marriage is a difficult thing, some people try it out, suceed in it and some fail, 85 percent fail in the United States meaning that if 100 people get married 75 people get divorced eventually.
I would say take this time to work on yourself, relax, feel better. Remember there is lot's of fish in the sea, don't blame her, some people are not marriage material and she might just be that or worst of all she might be a lesbian, you never know.
Whatever the reason is that makes her want to leave it doesnt matter, she won't be if she stays, and the best thing to do is accept the fact that you can't change, don't beg her, don't ask her to go to marriage councelling and do go taking depression pills, because that will put you in a emotional rollercoaster.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Og fool
We got in a verbal argument last weekend and she spouted out she wanted a divorce. I thought that she was just mad so I dismissed it and today she said she'd like to meet with a divorce attorney next week. We don't use drugs, cheat, beat each other, no kids, good jobs, etc. I ask her why and she says she "hates being married"! That only 25% of it is me and 75% is the way she feels about marriage. This is both our first marriage (2+ years now) and we are in our late 30's. I tried to talk about counseling or even work it out between us but she said that no one can change the way she feels about marriage. I am so devestated and feel like such a failure. I mean I promised that I would wait for the perfect person in my life and do what ever it took to make it work. Now I can't eat, sleep, I find tears coming out at work, I feel so powerless to change things. Everybody talks about the money you lose and who will get the kids, but we don't have to worry about any of that. What about the feelings? I have felt sad breaking up with girlfriends in the past before but that was nothing compared to this. All my dreams, hopes, plans, my god I am losing 1/2 of me my best friend. I told her this would be easier if there was somebody else or my gambling/drug habit caused it. Maybe I hit her one to many times, but to just hear I don't like being married. We both live in a house that until we sell neither can move out, but it is so hard being around her and seeing the future without her. When I held her last night in bed I thought/knew one day I won't have her and had to go sleep on the couch because I started crying so bad. I have bought some books on marriage help and even signed up for a 1 day seminar on it. Do you think I have any chance of keeping her? I told her I would do anything to keep her, sell all my belongings, the house, boat, etc. She says she has already made up her mind. How should I act, what should I do, am I doomed?
Sorry for the rant....
Interesting that such a serious statement would be dismissed.
I see many R's fail because a spouse dismiss or ignore clear statements.
Could this be the case here?
Well you know when an argument is heated and you don't want to say soemthing you will regret? When she spouted the divorce thing out (which she has in the past, twice). I knew I need 30 mins to clear my head and try to talk to her at that point. There was no discussion though, just I am not changing my mind period. All the arguments are the same though. She constantly claims I am selfish and irresponsible. I will have 10 things to complete around the house and I'll get 9 done. She will go off on me about the 1 thing I didn't do. It is almost like she is looking for things to argue about.
Do you think she is just making this up? Or do you think that is how she really feels?
If she has previously stated "divorce" - why did you not take her seriously then?
Funny I live with a guy that used to "dismiss" what I would say.
I know I don't just say things...... he didn't believe I meant those things either. Why I don't know. I certainly was not just talking out of my ass when I requested a need, or asked for help.........
Do you think you might have dismissed other things she has expressed to you as well?
Of course just taking a stab at this from my own experiences.
So if I am off, sorry.
The first way to fix a problem is to look at yourself first.
What is your part in this problem? So far you have only stated it is her.......are you perfect? (not being smartassy, just a question)
Do you think she is just making this up? Or do you think that is how she really feels?
If she has previously stated "divorce" - why did you not take her seriously then?
Funny I live with a guy that used to "dismiss" what I would say.
I know I don't just say things...... he didn't believe I meant those things either. Why I don't know. I certainly was not just talking out of my ass when I requested a need, or asked for help.........
Do you think you might have dismissed other things she has expressed to you as well?
Of course just taking a stab at this from my own experiences.
So if I am off, sorry.
The first way to fix a problem is to look at yourself first.
What is your part in this problem? So far you have only stated it is her.......are you perfect? (not being smartassy, just a question)
See this is what I have done, looked at my shortcoming especially over the last 6 months. As in not following through on things I said I would do, helping with more of the chores around the house. Doing favors for her that she can't get accomplished around work. But damn if one thing isn't done or goes wrong she goes off on me. I am walking on pins and needles worrying about what she will yell about next. See I think I figured what is making her hate marriage. Before we met we were both successful ($100k+) a year, had our own homes, etc. By cooincidence my pay was cut in half after 2 months of marriage, the housing market took a dump and we can't get out of a rental property we bought, we can't sell our existing house, she got a promotion that pays less and makes her drive more. So I feel sometimes like she equates all this turmoil going on in our life right now to be caused by marriage as stupid as that sound. Kind of like if she gets away from me and on her own again all these problems will dissapear. So it is like my shortcomings are amplified by the fact that life isn't going the way we planned. I don't know if this makes any sense but it is the only rationalization I can come to terms with
It sounds to me that you've hit the nail on the head with your last post. Thus your not going to get anywhere with her in so long as she sees you as the source of all her problems in life.
To clarify it further in simple terms? Before she was married ~ she was in control of her life, not that's she married ~ she's not. How to regain control ~ get divorced.
I became a serious student of relationshps, marriage, divorce, a long time ago. I don't know all there is to know, but one thing I do know is that a lot of people but especically women threaten divorce to quickly and too easily.
One of my own personal rules, is if and when a woman threatens to dump me? I'm going to make her freaking dreams a freaking reality quick, fast and in a hurry like, with no looking back, no regrets, no second chances.
If it was me? I'd kick her azz to the curb, and then go strictly no contact, nothing, zilch, nadda about nothing. Anything she's got to say, she can say it through my lawyer.
This "Nothing You Ever Say or Do is ever good enough and I want a divorce" is a test she's been testing you with. Its also a BS game some women play.
You can identify your weaknesses and shortcomings ~ but I doubt any improvemenets you make will be sufficient. Why? The problem isn't you, it isn't the marriage ~ its her. And, until she comes to realize that, you're not going to cover any new ground with her.
Why would you want to be with such a weak minded person anyway? The first couple "storms of life" that roll over your head, and she wants to bail? If she were my wife ~ she wouldn't have a problem with bailing out, I'd be throwing her azz out the plane! I'd be un-decided about the parachute?
Begging, pleading, whinning will only drive her further away. Marriage counseling, Hell the counselors themselves have just as high if not higher divorce rate as the general population.
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Parts of me are awesome, the rest I'm working on!
You admit that you have not followed through on things. Your finanicial stress is taking a bite out of your marriage.
What have you done to alleviate this?
(I would ask her the same thing if she posted)
There is a good chance that she feels like the more responsible party in the marriage.
That can make you frustrated and resentful if you are put in the "parent" position. You start seeing your partner as a liability instead of an asset.
I don't think you are truly hearing what she is saying to you.
I can only guess at this, and I am sure she is far from perfect. But I don't think you are really listening or asking her the right questions.
Good luck...... hope it works out for you.
I agree, even strong, self supporting, independent women want a man that's going to step up to the plate and "man-up" when things get hard, and they get resentful when they're not taking care of business. When they become part of the problem instead of part of the solution, part of th question instead of part of the answers?
Og.. I've been on this board for about 3-4 years now and also from my own personal experience I can tell you what will work and what won't. What WILL work is for you to give her this choice. The best thing you can tell her tonight is something like this: "You know I love you and my vows to you are for better or worse, however I can't make you stay with me if you don't want to. I know our marriage has not been what we thought it would be in regards to finances, jobs, etc.. but this is just one hurdle in our lives. If you want to leave it will hurt me alot and I will miss you but I will have to move on. When you are ready to talk about it let me know, I will listen'.
Or you can write a letter (which is preferred) to something of that degree. You are then telling and showing her that she can make this decision that you are not going to control her. Treat her like you would a scared cat. If you try approaching this cat it'll just take off. What you have to do is let her know that you care and love her but that it's upto her to make the move towards you.
Tell her you are going to see a counselor (and make an appointment today) and invite her if she wishes to come. If not, that's fine. However the WORST thing you can do is cling onto her. She'll just run away faster. Do the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do right now. Don't drown her in 'I love yous', don't beg for her. Be strong, be CONFIDENT. Women love that.
I have told my wife a number of times that she is free to go if she wants, that I will not hang onto her ankles. However I also told her once she goes, I am done for good. I don't say it as a threat but for the sake of not wanting to play these types of games. Your wife needs some maturity put into her however she is at the point that she will not even remotely listen to that. Women love confidence, SHOW IT. Do this for yourself as well. Your life is not over.
This "Nothing You Ever Say or Do is ever good enough and I want a divorce" is a test she's been testing you with. Its also a BS game some women play.
Gunny from a woman who has said this with all seriousness to my own H on more than one occassion.
I can tell you it is not a BS game. It is a last resort. The frustration level makes divorce seem like the only solution when you have tried to communicate nicely, straight forward, or to the point where you are screaming at the top of your lungs.
Perhaps you are not one of those men that could become a liability in a partnership..... but not all men or women are assets in a R.
I can tell you this, more often than not, it is not a game. It is the only logical solution after you have attempted all other options. Not necessarily what you want - but the only thing left.
This wife sounds like she is at the end of her rope in many aspects of life. And when a spouse dismisses your thoughts, regardless of how you state them....... well that is not good. Resentment is probably out of control at this point.
I know I shouldn't try to hard but it is so hard not to want to touch her. She used to demand a kiss before work in the morning and now I have to "ask" for it. I will do my best to act like "friends" for a while and be as manly and indifferent as possible I guess. She doesn't even say "I love you" since she made the announcement, only if I say it first and then only sometimes....
Good post jmargel! I liked that approach. But, I'm like you, once the deed is done, that's it, I'm done! Forevermore ~ I'm done!
a4a, I'm not currently in a relationship (my choice ~ flying solo for awhile) but when I am in one, I know enough to be pro-active rather than re-active. When my woman speaks, I stop, look and listen, and don't just engage with my mouth without first engaging my brain housing group.
I know also, that just a little bit of neglect over a long period of time is just as deadly to a relationship as a lot over a short period of time.
In fact one the primary reasons I'm not in a relationship is because I'm preparing myself and all aspects of my life, and getting my act together 360 degrees, fore and aft, top to bottom.
That aside ~ probally the worse thing someone can do to me is "threaten" me with something. When that happens, the baseball cap gets turned backwards, and its on! If you're going to talk the talk ~ you'd best be able to talk the talk.
And, I understand your position a4a, but if you're going to use the "D" word with me you'd best be prepared for the consequnces.
I cannot say I agree with everything everyone has said but one thing is for sure - as long as your wife has closed the door to working on things and is bottling up resentment all the "pecks on the cheeks" and I love yous will do is make her hate your gutts!
Sorry but resentment is a terrible thing - note I do not say if it is justifiable or even your fault (sounds like she hasn't been comfortable in the marriage for a long time) just that by the time a woman comes out and says it there's a whole lot of seething anger under the surface.
I liked MJ's post and I think that 'playing hardball' to an extent is the way to go. Make it clear, very clear you want to stay in the marriage and work things out, take steps to see what you may have done to contribute to if not the death yet the imenent demise of your marriage but think about stepping right out of the picture for a while so she can think.
I don't know your living situations and what options are open to you, and I wouldn't necessarily advise moving out of the conjugal home but if you want her to see that you at least respect her decision act like you do and let her have some space.
I usually advise sticking in there and sorting it out, but if she is adament - even if its just for the moment- I'd advise withdrawing.
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