Why in the world has Norah Jones' "Don't Know Why" just come on the radio. That's not fair!
Anyway, I had thought my ex had left town a couple of weeks ago and its been really tough for me to deal with, though I have been. Then, this weekend she sent an email about our shared insurance policy (it was paid before our separation) in which she said that she hadn't yet left town. It was the first communication of any kind since I initiated no contact.
So today, as I was loading groceries into my car, I look up to see her walking towards me. She had seen me in the grocery store and had debated whether or not to catch my attention or let me go. She chose the former.
I'm not sure if this is a curse or a serendipitous reward.
The case for curse: I had the strength to initiate no contact and have kept true to it (with a little support). I have done all the right things and them I am face to face with the source of my pain. Of course we talked. I know that this has set me back, how far I can't know. Maybe it will only be a few days of ups and downs. Maybe it will be more.
The case for reward: I would not have contacted her or responded to a request to get together. But, I still had things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that I did deserve more. I wanted to tell her that the way she ended it wasn't right. I also wanted to tell her that I wished her well. I wanted to say that her mistreatment of me, while very real, does not make her a horrible person. I told her that I respect myself too much to consider a reunion or continued contact.
I got the chance to unload without showing any weakness. I didn't break down and reach out to her, the opportunity just presented itself on my doorstep.
As for serendipity... we live near each other. We still both frequent our favorite bookstore. We both still frequent our favorite diner. We work near each other (we have to drive by each other's jobs and get off at about the same time). We both still shop at the same grocery store. So it was almost impossible that for the last six months we haven't had even one chance encounter, yet that's exactly how it has gone.
It seems even more unlikely that it would happen now, but it did. So maybe I just need to take it as a blessing, a chance to unload some thoughts without having to break my own rules.
Why in the world has Norah Jones' "Don't Know Why" just come on the radio. That's not fair!
Anyway, I had thought my ex had left town a couple of weeks ago and its been really tough for me to deal with, though I have been. Then, this weekend she sent an email about our shared insurance policy (it was paid before our separation) in which she said that she hadn't yet left town. It was the first communication of any kind since I initiated no contact.
So today, as I was loading groceries into my car, I look up to see her walking towards me. She had seen me in the grocery store and had debated whether or not to catch my attention or let me go. She chose the former.
I'm not sure if this is a curse or a serendipitous reward.
The case for curse: I had the strength to initiate no contact and have kept true to it (with a little support). I have done all the right things and them I am face to face with the source of my pain. Of course we talked. I know that this has set me back, how far I can't know. Maybe it will only be a few days of ups and downs. Maybe it will be more.
The case for reward: I would not have contacted her or responded to a request to get together. But, I still had things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that I did deserve more. I wanted to tell her that the way she ended it wasn't right. I also wanted to tell her that I wished her well. I wanted to say that her mistreatment of me, while very real, does not make her a horrible person. I told her that I respect myself too much to consider a reunion or continued contact.
I got the chance to unload without showing any weakness. I didn't break down and reach out to her, the opportunity just presented itself on my doorstep.
As for serendipity... we live near each other. We still both frequent our favorite bookstore. We both still frequent our favorite diner. We work near each other (we have to drive by each other's jobs and get off at about the same time). We both still shop at the same grocery store. So it was almost impossible that for the last six months we haven't had even one chance encounter, yet that's exactly how it has gone.
It seems even more unlikely that it would happen now, but it did. So maybe I just need to take it as a blessing, a chance to unload some thoughts without having to break my own rules.
Yeah, I think it was good you got some stuff off your chest. Sounds like you handled that well.
I am in a similar situation as you. We live in the same town, work out at the same gym, the same church, and I have seen her driving around a few times as well. It's almost inevitable to run into each other sooner or later.
My ex recently approached me at church, and we both kept it light and friendly. It's almost like a new beginning each time we take a month off from each other then run into each other again.
The thing for me is to not let myself get caught up in the emotions of everything again. Just because she came up to me and initiated conversation doesn't mean she wants to get back together.
I have to take it as no big deal and handle it maturely.
I want her so bad, but I know she is not healthy enough to deserve me chasing her again. So I take it for what it is. I will run into my ex every now and again, and I have to have control of my emotions.
It sounds like you had control of your emotions and stuck to your guns.
Nice job. You did the right thing.
Thanks, I'd like to think that while walking away may have been the most disciplined course of action, it was not necessarily the best. That's what I'm telling myself for now.
It was nice to hear the ex express some sorrow and regret because hey, I deserved it. I think a little further explanation of the serendipity element is in order, my ex confirmed that that she will be moving and this was one her last days in town.
NCD, now northern are you? I'm a Humboldt kid and lived in SF for years.
So today, as I was loading groceries into my car, I look up to see her walking towards me. She had seen me in the grocery store and had debated whether or not to catch my attention or let me go. She chose the former.
I can identify with this. I ran into my ex yesterday for the first time since the breakup in a social situation. I was at a casual restauraunt with some friends downtown for a downtown festival of sorts. There were a lot of people there. The girl that I was with went to the back patio as soon as we got there to see if she could find us a table. I stayed up front and got in line to order food.
I looked around the room and lo and behold I see the face of a girl that my ex went to school with. I quickly scan the table and sure enough identify the back of my ex's head who is siiting across from the other woman who we will call "Julie." I almost crapped my pants.
Julie sees me and calls out my name, and my ex whirls around to see me. She is sitting with Julie, another unknown girl directly across from her, and next to some unidentified guy. So my ex gets up and comes over and hugs me. She then asks me to come over and say hi to the people that she is sitting with. I reluctantly go.
I hug Julie, whom I know already (and who knows all about our breakup and the fact that my ex and I have not been speaking) and briefly met the other two. I then went back to my place in line. While waiting, I glanced over a few times to see my ex laughing and carrying on - maybe purposefully having an extra good time in front of me - I don't know. I felt like puking.
At any rate, today I sit completely incapacitated. I have not been able to get anything done or focus on anything at all. This is the worst day that I have had in a long time. My mind is ridiculous - who is the guy that she was sitting next to? What did she end up doing last night? I cannot describe the hate that I am feeling for her but at the same time I am completely consumed by thoughts of her. How do you guys do it? You both seem to be handling situations like this pretty well. I thought that I was doing so good but now I feel like falling to the ground. I hate feeling so weak.
Thanks, I'd like to think that while walking away may have been the most disciplined course of action, it was not necessarily the best. That's what I'm telling myself for now.
It was nice to hear the ex express some sorrow and regret because hey, I deserved it. I think a little further explanation of the serendipity element is in order, my ex confirmed that that she will be moving and this was one her last days in town.
NCD, now northern are you? I'm a Humboldt kid and lived in SF for years.
I am in Santa Rosa. Not as far up as you. Man, what do you do up there??
I am bored enough in Santa Rosa but I couldn't imagine living up there....I do love SF but I can't afford to buy there, and I would never rent there.
So, I am saving up $$ here and I might move to Vegas in a year or so.
Who knows, maybe my ex will want to come with me. That is like, my dream though, and I don't know how realistic it is...but I do know she wants to move there too....anyways...
I can identify with this. I ran into my ex yesterday for the first time since the breakup in a social situation. I was at a casual restauraunt with some friends downtown for a downtown festival of sorts. There were a lot of people there. The girl that I was with went to the back patio as soon as we got there to see if she could find us a table. I stayed up front and got in line to order food.
I looked around the room and lo and behold I see the face of a girl that my ex went to school with. I quickly scan the table and sure enough identify the back of my ex's head who is siiting across from the other woman who we will call "Julie." I almost crapped my pants.
Julie sees me and calls out my name, and my ex whirls around to see me. She is sitting with Julie, another unknown girl directly across from her, and next to some unidentified guy. So my ex gets up and comes over and hugs me. She then asks me to come over and say hi to the people that she is sitting with. I reluctantly go.
I hug Julie, whom I know already (and who knows all about our breakup and the fact that my ex and I have not been speaking) and briefly met the other two. I then went back to my place in line. While waiting, I glanced over a few times to see my ex laughing and carrying on - maybe purposefully having an extra good time in front of me - I don't know. I felt like puking.
At any rate, today I sit completely incapacitated. I have not been able to get anything done or focus on anything at all. This is the worst day that I have had in a long time. My mind is ridiculous - who is the guy that she was sitting next to? What did she end up doing last night? I cannot describe the hate that I am feeling for her but at the same time I am completely consumed by thoughts of her. How do you guys do it? You both seem to be handling situations like this pretty well. I thought that I was doing so good but now I feel like falling to the ground. I hate feeling so weak.
I have had my bad days where I am all consumed by my ex....trust me....it's really really hard.
I can't tell you anything other than to not stress off it...and be more confident in yourself that you don't care who this other guy is, that you are the man and if she can't see that then she's missing out....if you honestly don't feel like you are the man and you need to work on your self-esteem, then do it.
I know my ex is gravitating towards me now because I am not desperate and I am coming off as very confident and secure. I am not needy or clingy.
Let me tell you in my experience that is the biggest turn off to women....
...It also doesn't hurt that I happen to be in great shape, got a sweet tan going, and I know my ex is very physically attracted to me....so, I would just say, take care of yourself, pray to God for strength, and really work on becoming "The Man."
I feel like I am the man right now, and my attitude is I don't need a woman to make me complete.
Don't get me wrong, I think about my ex 24/7, but I am not going to let her know that.
Just hang in there and don't do harmful things to your body.
Don't go out and get drunk, don't obsess over her.
Go on a run, buy some new clothes, and don't call her.
If she's worth it, and she is thinking about you, she will call.
But she's probably expecting you to get weak and call, but don't do it!!!
You are actually doing good. Just be strong for yourself. Do not let yiour emotions over power you in any way lest you breakdown again. Sometimes it really takes a brave heart to face these kinds of situations. Most especially the ones that involve exes. I would say... just keep it up. Be strong. Keep yourself busy and happy. And most importantly, do not dwell too much on things past. Memories are good but that is all they are.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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