[bklk1227]

Well, after months of trying to get her to separate(she wouldn't leave the kids) my wife and I have spent the last 30 days apart. This has been EXTREMELY difficult for me. I am spending half the week away from my kids... and her... and I miss them all terribly.

She on the other hand seems to miss the kids, but has full replaced me with her new boyfriend. I showed some weakness tonight and told her how much I missed her and still cared for her... That only made me feel worse. I had a good stretch of not really saying much about how I felt to her.

So I am back here on this board because I just feel pretty empty. I am sure this isn't the worst of it yet as the divorce isn't near finalized - still have to sell the house. I was the one who finally filed after she was telling me for months that she wanted the divorce. You can search my username for the other threads if you want to read up on my scenario.

I guess part of me - the part the overcame me tonight - wants to reverse this process more for the kids than anything else. Luckily I have the kids exactly 50% of the time and that is probably the best part of this. She's told her boyfriends family that she is leaving me because I am abusive - I guess they are as dumb as she is because why would a woman leave her two small children with an abusive person half the time??? Amazing what she will say to play the victim.

I am kind of ranting here because I really am having a down night. I kind of wish things were different. My 3 y/o asks me everyday when mommy is coming home and my 10 y.o is just full of so much anger. She used to be the happiest kid on the planet. So hard to see them have to deal with this, especially when the relationship wasn't nearly as bad as my cheating wife likes to make it out to be.

I've put my heart and soul into this relationship for over 11 years and I was nowhere near ready to throw in the towel.

I'm sure I will be back around these boards for a while... I know it will get better... I just wish it would be soon...

Thanks all!

[poobee34]

You know this is the hardest part of all of it, the kids. Our ex'x decide they want the new life without ever considering what reality brings. Angry and emotional children. I understand exactly where you are coming from,my 15 and 12 year old sons are so angry,i just think it is f***ed up how their lives have turned upside down forever because of the selfish actions of one person.
My only advice at this time is love your kids because their love is unconditional and they will remember who is there for them. I think our problem today is that nobody cares just themselves.My Aunty who is extremely old fashion told me this yesterday. if you treat them nice and try to hold on they will treat you like s***, treat them mean and you are the one who holds the power because emotional attachment is the hardest to break from.
Keep strong...they are not worth our pain and hearts

[Ladyjane14]

We say it around here alot, but the opposite of love is not hate.... it's indifference. And "indifference" isn't just going to fall right into your lap, Bklk. You've got to nurture it along a little bit.

You're getting a divorce. Wishing it weren't so just keeps you stagnating. Accepting your divorce, looking forward to your new life... these are the things that are going to make a positive difference in your outlook.

I totally 'get' what you're saying about the family dynamic and the loss you're feeling on that score. But when it comes to your wife... what are you losing but an excess 120 pounds or so of pain?

It's been a long time since this woman was a true partner to you. It's been a long time since she had your best interest at heart. You've been on your own in emotional terms all this time. So, why not make it official and clear out the space inside you've designated for her? Put her out of your heart. Make room, so you can let something better fill it, and thus fulfill YOU. You know, just living a good life and getting some joy from your day will start filling in this empty space.

As far as the children go, have some faith in your own ability to parent these children at 100% capacity when they're with you. You don't need your STBX to be a good parent. And if you're operating at 100%, that's all your kids really need.

I know from your posts that your daughter is having a rough time. She's a little older and she can see that her family is changing. That doesn't mean that YOU have to change though. The hardest part for kids is seeing their parents unhappy and sad. It makes a kid anxious when there are unseen forces at work that even their parents can't seem to control.

So, even if you have to "fake it 'til you make it"... you can give her a bit of a gift here in acting like you're okay. Mind you, I'm not saying that you should lie to her. It's okay if cerebrally she knows you're sad. It just shouldn't be visceral.

You might want to see if you can rearrange your schedule for more one on one time with her. It's hard to do activities with a 10-year old and still keep up with a 3-year old. But if possible, now is a good time to take up some new hobby that's just for the two of you. Skating, horseback riding, hiking, even building a birdhouse or taking a cooking class... anything which is of common interest to both of you where you can enjoy each other's company is going to go a long way toward making her feel more secure.

I would probably avoid letting her see you date until she's ALOT better. But there's no reason why you shouldn't start seeing other people at times when your kids are with their mother. I'm not suggesting that you get into another "relationship", but having a companion for dinner or coffee is going to open your eyes, I think, to the possibilities in life and allow you to move on a bit as an adult.

Indifference to your ex is a goal that requires proactive effort. You can't arrive there if you're feeding your sadness and giving into it. For your own sake and that of your children... you need to be HAPPY. You can't do that when you're still caught up in feelings of unrequited love for your STBX. There's a fine line between love and hate, passion and bitterness... but it's indifference which is the flipside of the coin. Indifference will put you on the path to serenity.

[bklk1227]

So the good news is that I have actually been doing most of the things you suggested. Spending time with my daughters has been key. Right now I am not content to just sit aorund the house we go out and do things - shopped for new summer clothes, went strawberry picking, visited the "favorite aunt", etc... One on one with my 10 y/o happens a lot in the evening but I like your suggestion about doing something specifically for us.

On the other hand - while I am nowhere near ready to date, I have been able to spend sometime doing exactly what you suggested when not with the kids. I will not expose them to any type of dating for a very long time. My 10 y/o is aware of the affair and is having a hard enough time understanding that. Another relationship is in no way a priority for me right now. When I am with the kids they are #1. And when I am away from them I've been reconnecting with old friends and making some new ones.

I guess last night was similar to an addict in recovery having a relapse. Hopefully my resolve will be stronger now that I got another taste of the whiskey and realized just how sick it can make me.

Glad I came back to this site.

As a side note, my 10 y/o just finished writing a book for her 5th grade end of year project. It had a dedication page which read:

"I dedicate this book to my Dad because he kept me strong and helped me believe in myself through rough times."

Obviously I must be doing something right

[Ladyjane14]

Originally Posted by bklk1227

As a side note, my 10 y/o just finished writing a book for her 5th grade end of year project. It had a dedication page which read:

"I dedicate this book to my Dad because he kept me strong and helped me believe in myself through rough times."

Awwww... that's adorable.
It's little moments like that when you know it's all worthwhile.

Hang in there Bklk.
And do try and get a hobby with your older girl. The little one will be happy with cuddles for awhile longer, but you'll be surprised at how your older one will blossom when she feels like you share her interests. Even something goofy like a father-daughter bowling night with matching shirts will make her feel like she's prioritized in your life.

[DesperateDad]

Hi Bklk. I'm in a similar situation as you are and I just moved out of the family house on Sunday. I was able to emotionally let go of my STBXW months ago because of my own anger and hurt over what she was doing to me and our family. I was in such a rage over what she was doing (open affair with friend and neighbor) that it seemed to finally just burn out.

I feel much better now that the situation isn't staring me in the face every day like it was before. It was extremely painful and destroyed every last vestige of affection I had for her.

I agree totally with everything LJ has told you. I would recommend you get involved in some activity just for yourself, too. I took golf lessons with a group for a while and it really helped me focus on something other than my problems and to throw my passions into a hobby. It also had the added benefit of allowing me to meet new people and make new friends.

This has nothing to do with dating, but just expanding your very own, personal social circle. You finally get to hang out with new people and just be you and not half of a couple. If you're not involved in something new like this, think about trying it out. Good luck!

[Darth Vader]

That's horrible to know that your daughter knows about your wife's affair, just goes to show you that children aren't stupid. It's the children that suffer the most, they blame themselves, reassure them both that it's not they're fault. Your wife however, will understand the horror later, how you may ask? All that lost time that she wasted in that affair, which she could have spent with her children is gone, she can't get it back, it's gone forever! It's already apparent that your wife is putting up a rift between her and the children, it's already evident by your daughters anger. Be there for your children.

[meleeda]

You know they say that the best gift we can give our kids is happyness within our self. If our kids see us happy and living fullfilling lives they inturn will do what we do. I would say get on with your life and forget the past you cannot change it, but you can change your future. Heal your heart do what you need to do to move past this and give your kids the gift of happyness find someone who you can love and loves you back.