My SO and I have been together awhile now and a thought has popped in my head while i'm here at work, and causing some pain for me.
A little background: My SO has supposedly 3 kids, I say supposedly because one of the 2 moms goes back and forth saying it's his then saying it not. And for all those out there going duh! DNA test, he is in the process of getting them done.
Now to my dilema: I desperately want kids of my own, but have held off because i want to be absolutely ready and be sure i'm with the right man. So anyway here is what i am thinking about. He has told me that he does not want kids anymore. I'm assuming because of all the problems with his exes. And that hurts me because he didn't mind getting the other two pregnant, does he not love me as much as he loved them, or atleast not enough to have kids with me? And two if we were to ever have a child, I feel like he wouldn't feel as much joy as he did with his supposed 1st born.
Can someone please talk to me about this, its like i can literally feel my heart hurting over this..
Now to my dilema: I desperately want kids of my own, but have held off because i want to be absolutely ready and be sure i'm with the right man. So anyway here is what i am thinking about. He has told me that he does not want kids anymore.
obviously.. this is not the right man, if he does not want more kids.
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Originally Posted by Bree
I'm assuming because of all the problems with his exes. And that hurts me because he didn't mind getting the other two pregnant, does he not love me as much as he loved them, or atleast not enough to have kids with me? And two if we were to ever have a child, I feel like he wouldn't feel as much joy as he did with his supposed 1st born.
do you know what his reasoning really is for not wanting more kids?
were his ex's Gf's or wives? how do you know he wanted to knock them up?
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They were girlfriends. One he was with for 6yrs. and they agreed to have a baby, but she was also sleeping with another guy. He didn't find out till they were on the verge of there breakup. The other mom, he was just being stupid and got drunk.
I'm sure you love this guy, but if both of your views on kids are different, then it will only cause problems. If you want kids, and he doesn't want anymore, then it might be best to find someone who shares the same feelings you do on the matter.
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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
And that hurts me because he didn't mind getting the other two pregnant, does he not love me as much as he loved them, or atleast not enough to have kids with me?
Bree, is that a sign of love? Getting two women pregnant and then breaking up with them? The question shouldn't be "why won't he have kids with you?", the question should be "why would you want to have kids with him?" His past history makes him look neither dependable nor intelligent...
I agree that since he doesn't want more kids and you do that you should find someone with the same desires as you.
Does your SO love and support the kids he already has? This would be a main factor if I was deciding I wanted to have children with this man.
Good point, if he is doing the right thing by his kids maybe he would change his mind on helping you be a mother.
Since the DNA test are still out he might not have as many children as he thought. That could also change his mind on having a child with you.
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Some things to keep in mind...
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Originally Posted by MrsHellFire
You waited this long just in order to get involved with a man with a whole lot of baggage and is a total mess?
Don't get married before you know he is willing to totally fulfill your need of having a biological child.
Supposing all the children are his, that means he's tied to their mothers at least until the children each, in turn, reaches age 18. Secondly, assuming he's helping support them, as he should, that will be a significant drain on your household income and additional children may not be affordable. When I divorced my two youngest children were just turned six and 10. By the time support ended I'd payed in excess of $200,000 in support.
If Texas law is like the law in my state, regardless of what the DNA results are he could be legally designated the "presumptive" father since he was with the women at the time of the conceptions and has, thus far, accepted the role of father, especially if he's already established father-child relationships with them. Under those circumstances he may be required to continue to support them even if they are proven not to be his biologically.
You have a lot to think about. Clearly he brings more baggage into your relationship than will fit in the overhead compartment!
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"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."
He has told me that he does not want kids anymore. I'm assuming because of all the problems with his exes. And that hurts me because he didn't mind getting the other two pregnant
The choice of not having kid has NOTHING to do with you. It as a personal choice. As a parent I can tell you that there is a limit you have set in your mind of what you can emotionally, physically and financially handle once you reach that point you just done having babies. I would have to say that I think it is a good thing he is deciding not to procreate anymore with the issues he has.
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if we were to ever have a child, I feel like he wouldn't feel as much joy as he did with his supposed 1st born
when someone wants to have a child the birth order makes no difference they are all loved.
I also wanted to add that the choice of having or not having kids can be a deal breaker..... Yes he could change his mind and decide he wants another kid but if he never does you need to decide if that is ok with you or not. if not you should move on and find someone who shares your wanting to have children and not wasting your time wishing this guy changes him mind.
I agree with the previous poster that his not wanting more kids may have nothing to do with his feelings for you. You don't have kids out of love for your spouse alone, you have kids because you want kids.
Now, if having kids of your own is a high priority for you, I would not try to change him on the matter either but would consider breaking up.
I wonder if you SO says he doesn't want to have kids with you because his other two kids turned out to have bad sitations, with the father and mother slit up. I wonder if he's trying to learn from his mistakes.
The other personal input I have is if you really want kids and he doesn't, it is going to cause major prolems in the future. It could go one of two ways: either you don't have kids and resent him because you really wanted kids, or you get pregnant and he is miserable because he didn't want another child. My husband never wanted kids, and I almost broke up with him when we were dating because I always wanted a family. Well, I got pregnant, now we're married and have a child, and it's been the worst time of my life, because he's in a life he never wanted and is miserable. Now I have to deal with the decision of leaving him, and taking our child away from his father or with staying with him, and watching him sulk in misery and be a terrible father. Either way it's a bad situation for my son, and therefore very painful for me.
Think about what your children would have to go through if you had children with this person, because once you have children, they will be the most important thing in your life.
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My SO and I have been together awhile now and a thought has popped in my head while i'm here at work, and causing some pain for me. 
Getting two women pregnant and then breaking up with them? The question shouldn't be "why won't he have kids with you?", the question should be "why would you want to have kids with him?" His past history makes him look neither dependable nor intelligent...
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