I couldn't stand it any longer so I broke down and called the ex last night. She actually said I have called and messaged and you never called or messaged back. We spoke for about 2 hours with the conversation starting out with nothing but hey what are you doing kinda stuff. Needless to say it got into us, the past and the future.
Basically here is the run down.
She says she wants me to be her friend and wants me in her life because I am truly her best friend. When she talks to me I listen and don't judge. I actually show interest in what she is saying rather than nodding as if I were paying attention. She can talk to me about bad days at work and things that are going crazy and I show interest whereas her other friends basically say uh huh, so lets go drink tonight!
Also she didn't have a great childhood. She wasn't raised in a home that was loving (noone got beat up or anything) and showed compassion to one another, something I did daily with her so I kinda became her new "family" as well.
So now we are here 3 weeks later and I still want her back but I know it isn't going to happen. I still think about her constantly and don't know what to do.
She has told me this :
1) She fell for me so hard and never loved anyone and may never love someone like she does me.
2) She has relationship issues, personal, romantic and professional that she needs to work out before she can be with someone.
3) She is fu**ed up in the head and she doesn't want to hurt me anymore and I need to move on for my mental health.
4) She is tired of hurting me and she won't do it anymore.
5) We cannot have sex because she cannot have sex with me without emotion.
6) She doesn't want me to think of a possible future because she doesn't want me clinging on to false hope.
7) She wants me in her life because I am her best friend.
8) I did absolutely nothing wrong in the relationship, I was as close to "perfect" as she could ask for.
Now I really want to be friends with her because she gets me, she knows me better than anyone. I really don't have many friends in my life, they are moreso aquaintences so I don't want to lose that either. The problem seems to be keeping my emotions away from this friendship. I do not know if I can do that.
Is this worth staying friends for? We did so much and went through a lot in 4 years I don't want to feel as if I am just tossing it aside like rubbish.
__________________ "A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it."
-Unknown
You cannot be friends with someone that you still have "romantic feelings" for.
You will not be able to move on to a new relationship, nor would it be fair to anyone that you got involved with to have a person you cannot let go of romantically in your life.
Pretty much you would be having an emotional affair with this ex in future relationships.
Unless you have zero desire to have her as a gf.... best thing to do is go NC.
My guess is she will always interfere with any future relationships you have with other women. Either you are with her or you are not.
__________________ MAY THE FORK BE WITH YOU -YOU TAKE THE FUN OUT OF DYSFUNCTIONAL!
This happened with me actually, and it did eventually work out OK. If you really want to be her friend, and not her SO, and she wants that as well (which she has been clear about I think), then you can do it after some time passes, when you don't look at her with longing, and roller coaster stomach..and can look at her with "hey, this was a cool person I used to be in love with, and now she is just another person in my life"...
If that is truly what she wants, she will give you that time...but, from my knothole, at least now, you would still be looking for signals or "hope" that you can get back together.
My experience was just like that...I was such a mess I used to drive by her house at night hoping to get a glimpse in the window. Now, she is happily married, I'm single, and I see her at parties, etc. and its like an old college chum..no heartache.
The reason why you can actually listen to her is because you have more good qualities to you when you are in love. So being her a friend will just leave you down in the dumps.
I agree with everyone else who thinks It's a big no no that you decide to be friends with her. Your the one who still has feelings and you'll be risking alot by doing this.
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In shallow waters, shrimp make fool of dragons- virtual fortune cookie
Didnt we tell you that before that she is F-ed up in the damn head. Are you so stupid as to be drawn back in her drama. I bet you while she said that she cant have sex with emotion, Did she bang anyone else besides you? Then I rest my case. She just wants you there because she sees you as a doormat!
Bottom line if your going to be friends, fine. But you should stop seeing her in a romantic light and just look at her like your sister and move on to someone else. Life is too short to be messed with. I'm telling you this because I was just like you!!! naive and stupid until I woke the hell up and did what needed to be done.
One day your gonna get tired of being her whipping boy. Until then continue being her pawn and I'll be here laughing at your stupidity.
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This gun means you are the weak and I am the tyranny of evil men, but I'm trying, I'm trying real hard to be the sheppard...
I dunno... I keep hanging on to that tiny strand of hope for some reason. I tell myself it is over and I am moving on then I call and want her so badly.
Keep in mind she has told me from day one, "you might not be able to be my friend and I understand"
I guess the point is I feel like if she is in my life like this (even though I am miserable) she is IN my life. How f'd up is that. I know what I should be doing but why am I not doing it? Why is it so difficult.
She sounds so excited when she hears from me, I can hear it in her voice. And she goes on and talks and talks like she hasn't spoken in days and I just love to hear her voice.
I know that she is going through some tough times right now, financially, emotionally and I just want to be there for her. I couldn't stand the thought of her falling down with noone to help her out.
Sorry I am rambling, the mind is just racing right now.
I bet you the minute you tell her you have a new girlfriend things will change. mark my words. The reason you wont let go is because your weak. plain and simple. The mintue you snap out of it you'll be better.
Yeah, she's happy to hear from you because the dude banging her doesn't want to hear her crap.
So, when she decided to cut off your testis did she hand them back to you or did she keep them in box on her night stand so she could take them out and play with them everytime she has a bad day?
I'm sorry, I understand, I really do. I really wanted to do what you did but I didn't for the same exact reasons people are saying in this thread.
LET IT GO...SERIOUSLY
__________________
"Life is what it is, not what it was."
OMFG dude, I have been going through the same **** with my ex, and only recently, by reading books and taking people's advice, am I snapping out of it. I was doing the same stuff bro. It doesn't work.
It won't work.
It doesn't work.
It will not work out for you.
How else can I say it.
You still feel exactly like I felt, and she told me THE SAME THINGS.
My ex is f-ked up in the head too, and she has kept me as her doormat for so long that it became commonplace for me to accept it, because she was "IN my life."
I'll tell you something. It sucks losing someone you love. You miss hearing their voice, touching their skin, being there for them, loving them.
But she chose to cut your dick off.
And now you want to be friends with her?
I know my ex cut my dick off and then wanted me in her life as a friend, AND IT DROVE ME NUTS!
I drove by her house, longed for her, was way too available, and I got stepped all over. On Valentine's Day when I drove by her house I saw her ex's car there. Yeah that was fun.
Screw the crazy bitch.
I see my ex now at the gym and I go the other way. I don't even want to get in her gravity zone, because I know I run the risk of getting sucked in.
I see her cleavage, I smell her sweat, I hear her voice, and it all comes back.
YOU CAN NOT BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU STILL WANT UNLESS YOU WANT TO MAKE YOURSELF CRAZY.
God has put enough women in the world for this reason.
Find another, move on.
I guarantee you at this point where you are at right now, clinging to that thread of hope, she knows she has the power and she will keep stepping all over you as long as you let her.
Want to get her back?
Promise you'll listen?
Okay, this is what you should do.
Don't take her calls, don't call her, don't run into her anywhere.
Take a couple months off. You probably don't have the strength to do it, but YOU SHOULD.
It will make her want you back and miss you and who knows by that time maybe you'll have met someone else.
Keep going at the pace you're going now=PAIN.
And I know what I should be doing.... I guess I just have been weak up to this point. This is a girl that I have feelings like I never have before... Not even when I was previously married, that was way easier to get over. I don't understand why I want to cling on for hope and be there for her. Maybe subconciously I am thinking that if I were here for her now she would remember that down the road, but I guess if she looks back at our relationship she would realize that I was the right person regardless of me being there for her now. I have been going to counseling and waiting for it to get me thinking the right way, 3rd session is tomorrow. I know in my heart of hearts what I should do but for some reason I am not listening to myself. All this does is torture me and I don't want to live like this. Some days I am fine but others, like today, I just feel like absolute sh*t.
Happened to me too. I was a dumb ****e thinking she was genuine when she told me she missed me, cared for me etc etc.
It transpires that all the while she was giving me the loving spiel she was out shagging other guy's. When I quizzed her on this she said "women have needs"! There was not an ounce of empathy!
What a girl!
Wake up! She is mentally ill and you are treating her like she is well-balanced and reasonable. Well-balanced and reasonable people dont behave like this.
Strict NC otherwise you will end up in the same looney-bin as her.
Happened to me too. I was a dumb ****e thinking she was genuine when she told me she missed me, cared for me etc etc.
It transpires that all the while she was giving me the loving spiel she was out shagging other guy's. When I quizzed her on this she said "women have needs"! There was not an ounce of empathy!
What a girl!
Wake up! She is mentally ill and you are treating her like she is well-balanced and reasonable. Well-balanced and reasonable people dont behave like this.
Strict NC otherwise you will end up in the same looney-bin as her.
Do you understand?
I think he understands but he lack the heart to do what is neccesary. The sheer unwillingness to do what's right and set himself free of the dead weight he will continue to drown. Life is too short to be stuck on one chick who treats you like garbage. In NYC the women outnumber the men 3-1, now the odds are out of that ration 65% are f-up's in one way or another. I'm trying to find the other 35% of good women out there. And I will. You will too, but you have to let go and have faith.
If this isnt working then it isnt working. Your addicted and you need to detox.
I think he understands but he lack the heart to do what is neccesary. The sheer unwillingness to do what's right and set himself free of the dead weight he will continue to drown. Life is too short to be stuck on one chick who treats you like garbage. In NYC the women outnumber the men 3-1, now the odds are out of that ration 65% are f-up's in one way or another. I'm trying to find the other 35% of good women out there. And I will. You will too, but you have to let go and have faith.
If this isnt working then it isnt working. Your addicted and you need to detox.
Yup, you need detox.
Dude, do me a favor. Please!
Go to your local big bookstore (Barnes and Noble's out there?) as soon as you can, grab a coffee, and give yourself 3 or 4 hours to sit and read.
Pick up "He's Scared, She's Scared", and "Emotional Unavailability" and read the hell out of them.
I did that Saturday and I honestly feel like a new man. Maybe also because I went on a great date lat night I feel so much better.
But for me, what worked was reading these books so I can UNDERSTAND what kind of ****ed up person she is. Once you understand that there are simply unavailable, unhealthy people out there, you will start to accept that you deserve better and you don't want this woman.
Trust me, you don't want this woman.
I felt all the lovey-dovey connections too, and we all do. That's why it hurts so much not to have them in our lives.
But there are other women who are hot or hotter than her who aren't crazy, who WILL LOVE YOU AND NOT LEAVE YOU.
After you read those books, you will feel better.
Then go buy some nice clothes.
Then, go out that night, confident, and attract a girl you want. Ask her out, but be smooth and don't sound desperate. Then go on a date and see that other great girls exist.
Then keep healing and reading those books.
You will start to accept and move on and work towards true happiness.
It's what worked for me, maybe it will work for you.
Good luck brother.
Screw crazy bitches. Let their therapists deal with them!
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There was not an ounce of empathy!
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