[Andie]

After 3 years in a long distance, sexless relationship, I'm beggining to wonder wether I should call it quits, we are separated geographically but the gap is getting larger emotionally. He is 11 years my senior, middle aged, with a problem getting things up (if you know what I mean, that's why he is still a virgin) he's not really interested in sex and what makes things even worse he find the idea of intercourse slightly disgusting. as a companion he is perfect: caring, sweet, considerate, attentive, romantic (in a very not sexual way), succesful. He is what I always wanted except for the no-bed-action detail. He is a workholic and blames the excess of work for the dysfunction. We tried improving things by scheduling time for us and things started to get a little bit better, then I had to move to another city and a minute after that everything went back to square 1. Now we've been together for 3 years and we still have no sex but the difference is that my self-esteem in underground, my self-image is distorted, I dread the idea of being close to him physically but not having him in my life scares me even more because in despite of all the bad stuff I love him..am I just afraid of getting back in the game? do I really want to stay with this man because I love him or because I think nobody will ever want me?

[BohemeRose]

This is really one of those questions you can really only answer yourself. Unless anyone here has a direct connection to your head and your heart, they can't tell you whether you are really in love with this man or if you are just afraid of being alone.

My only suggestion is this: Carefully consider if what you feel for him is romantic love or platonic love. It could be that this man is well suited to be your best friend, but not a lover. If the fact that he doesn't want to make love to you is really really bothersome and causes you to be unhappy (which, I wouldn't blame you. Sex is not only for pleasure, but it represents a sort of connection and feeling of belonging that is necessary for most people) then perhaps you need to look for your romantic love elsewhere.

Perhaps if you spent some time apart from him, as in take a break from the relationship, not the physical distance you already have, then you will be able to figure out exactly what it is you are feeling.

Best of luck, darlin'. There's no denying this is a tough one.

[Andie]

"Perhaps if you spent some time apart from him, as in take a break from the relationship, not the physical distance you already have, then you will be able to figure out exactly what it is you are feeling"

Thank you for your words. I've been wondering myself if that could help and although I have no clear answer yet It looks to me like a combination of factor is playing a big role in this issue. Fear of loneliness has been a part of my life since I can remember add to that the fact of being an emigrant with no solid friends and no family in a very different culture... All together makes a perfect environment for clinging into someone else for the wrong reasons.... The good news is that I have already started to take action to fix myself. Today I will have my first session with a therapist, and I hope it will help me see things clearly and ding on the real origins of my emotional dependency on this man. I refuse to let this whole thing spiral out of control and I will do whatever I can to ensure my own well being...
Thanks for taking the time to read my story and give me your view

[BohemeRose]

Very good I'm glad to hear you're taking care of yourself.

And best of luck to you! No matter what happens, I hope you find happiness and peace within yourself.