[Sheba]

My marriage has so many problems! The issue of retroactive jealousy is just one - a backdrop, perhaps. We are attending counselling and this issue has been touched upon, but I will admit that it is one of the few that is really "mine". And, I know I need to get over it, but am not sure that I can.

My husband was married 3 times previously. He also had at least one serious love affair between wife 1 and 2, during which marriage was contemplated. There were certainly other sexual relationships, though I don't know how serious they were because I don't inquire. I prefer to not know.

When we first got together, my husband told me he "drank his way into three marriages and out of two". I added a lot of meaning to that remark - stupid meaning. In particular, I "decided" that it meant that the marriages were all sort of accidental, drunken errors and therefore meaningless and didn't count.

I can imagine that anyone who is reading this is shaking their head. I know.

Of course, as time has passed I have learned that my husband had a really strong attachment to wife 2. Wife 1 is barely mentioned. Wife 2 is mentioned in a rather idealized manner - she was a "good girl", really smart, beautiful, athletic. He speaks of great regret about how he treated her. He talks about the mistakes he made that drove her away. He has said that it was the "only marriage he thought was a good idea" (felt pressured into the other two).

Don't get me wrong, he doesn't go on and on. But he has said all of these things at one time or another. These are not angry comments, in the context of a disagreement - I could probably brush them aside if they were. These comments were made in the context of recollection and are therefore much more powerful.

I feel very bitter about the fact that he has said he regrets OUR marriage. He has also said many cruel things to me. He has never spoken of regret about the way he has treated me - he denies that he has treated me poorly ever and insists that I have earned every angry word I have heard from him - that I have "driven him" to saying these things.

To me, it sounds as if he wishes his 2nd marriage would never have ended. To me, that means he wishes away our relationship.

When I think of solving our other problems, it seems somehow possible. I don't know how to solve this one though. And since he cannot change history nor "take back" what he has said in the past, I don't think he can help me in the least.

Advice?

[caramba]

Dear Sheba,

I don't know if I have any advice. But I am in a similar situation. My husband has been married once before. And when we started dating he was still only separated so he talked about her alot. I wont bore you with details...I just wanted to say that I'm in the same situation as you are. I cannot stand hearing about his ex-wife anymore. And I've finally told him that.

Have you told your husband how you feel? Would he go to counseling with you if you asked? With 3 broken marriages behind him you'd think he has learned something and really wants to work on his present one.

Good Luck Sheba!

//Caramba

[StayClose]

Sheba:

It's not clear to me if you are wife #3 or wife #4.

Still, while it's OK for him to express regret over how he conducted himself with wife #2, he shouldn't speak to you as if his marriage to you was a mistake.

[Sheba]

Thank you for your answers.

Caramba - we are in counselling. I guess that I feel this issue is something that is more my problem than ours, and not something that can be "counselled away". He can't "unsay" what he has said. I think that he is unable to erase the impression that I have formed that he still harbours regrets about the loss of that marriage. So, I can't turn to him for help. I need to find it within myself, somehow.

StayClose - I am #4. I don't harbour any of that retroactive jealousy about #1 or #3. I know #3, she is no threat. She treated him badly and continues to do so with respect to their children. #1 is barely mentioned.

I agree that he should regret treating another person badly. I don't envy him the burden of his own recollections and guilt. What is troublesome for me is that he said, specifically, that he "ruined his second marriage by doing X and he wishes he had never done so and will always regret having done that". This remark, combined with those others I described makes me feel as if he is pining still for the loss of that marriage. I understand, of course, as a person. I just don't feel comfortable feeling as if I am "second best".

If I could put words into his mouth, they would be "I am sorry for the way I treated my ex-wife, but am glad that marriage ended because otherwise I would not be with you".

[caramba]

Dear Sheba,

Your husband should have been in counseling on his own before getting married again. I can understand that regrets from the past will linger still. But I can also understand your need to hear that he is happy to be married to you now.

Have you told him that? Sometimes we need to tell people what we wanna hear.

He can regret his past all he wants but if he fails to see the loving wife that is i front of him now, he will do the same mistake all over again.

wish you the best!