I was just talking w/ a friend of mine, who is M. She cheated on her H a few years ago. Had an A for about 3 years. The thing that she told me was this, she never wanted to choose. She wanted them to choose for her. Cowardly, yes. In the end, she chose her H and kids. Even though she claims to be fully and totally in love w/ her OM, she stated that her kids were more important. They do not speak to each other at all anymore and haven't for about a year. What I don't understand is this, why does it seem that they want someone else to make the decision for them, or force their hand so to speak? I guess, when u get right down to it, if you want to know what the MM/MW really want, cut off R and tell them to call you if they ever get a D. Why is it so hard for us OW/OM to do this?
From the emotional standpoint it's probably a simple answer to a complicated situation...you're just emotionally attached to the OM or OW and are afraid of losing that. To be more complex, you may understand the situation the OM or OW are in and want to be supportive of their postion as much as your own. So, you hang in there when you know it's unhealthy. You may also be uncomfortable with them leaving their spouse because of you. You would prefer they chose to do that on their own so you don't have such feelings of high expectations or guilt, because all you want is a chance with this person you feel so strongly about. This can go on and on for a long time, but sooner or later you will probably be faced with the fact that you have to take the risk in order to gain. Gain a relationship with them, or gain your life back without. The latter is hard to risk because you are in love.
From the standpoint of an A based mostly on the attraction standpoint I can't answer. However, being that you can find that with other people not involved in a relationship most people are probably don't fall in this criteria.
I guess, when u get right down to it, if you want to know what the MM/MW really want, cut off R and tell them to call you if they ever get a D. Why is it so hard for us OW/OM to do this?
Good question! Why is it so hard to do this? Because unhealthy or not it is hard to cut off most relationships. It is hard to admit that there are people we may never see again, especially when we love them so much. It is hard to take that jump without feeling alone and vulnerable. It is hard to just end it all. I kept it up because I knew the pain of not leaving was not bad enough than the pain of leaving and ending the A was going to be for me. I also couldn't do this because I had a lot of emotional energy, time and involvement into this one man, and I was hoping and waiting and being patient and hoping again that it would all pay off and eventually be in my favor that xmm would leave the M for me. That the sneaking around on his part and the secrets would eventually be made public would end. We buy into what we are told. When we are told something that we believe, we keep on believing until we just can't take it anymore.
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The answer is.....
There is no answer.
Because then you can blame someone else if the outcome of the choice is a failure. Also in her case it seems she was on the fence for both guys so the one who faught harder would get her. Sounds like she was looking for more of an ego stroke than someone to love. And that last part seems to be quite common in affair situations.
Yeah, I was really just seeing if there was anyone else that has asked theirselves this same question. It has been so hard for me to end this A. I am up this late on a work night, b/c I CAN NOT seem to get him out of my mind. And u know, it really pisses me off, that I know he is so snug in his bed at home. Which it shouldn't , I don't have that right to be mad. All of the questions that I will never get answers for, one, b/c that would mean breaking NC, so there you go...this sucks!
Why do I feel that I will never fall in love like this again? What made him so damn special to me, above all the others??
Sorry, just venting this late at night!!! If I don't post here, tempted to call him, and I definetly dont' want to do that.
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