[mattea]

my relationship of 1 1/2 yrs is suffering and we're fighting a lot. just looking for insight or suggestions about what i can do to make this better, if anything.

my boyfriend has been excepted into several law schools, one local and three out of state.

when the acceptance letters started trickling in, we began talking (at my initiation) about options as a couple. i was willing to consider relocation if it turned out that out-of-state schools were going to provide him far better opportunites, even though i am very rooted where i am. i did tell him that i needed to hear certain things about his feelings/investment level before i could chose to do that. stuff like, "i don't want to lose you, i want us to be together, preserving our relationship is really important to me", along those lines. he said he loves me, feels like we are "still developing our relationship, and still "getting to know each other". he said this after over a year together. it wasn't really enough for me to be willing to upheave my whole life.

so now i feel like, rather than making a decision together about what WE wil do, he's making the decision on his own. i've been waiting for months for him to figure out what he wants to do, while he goes to events at the various schools, talks to alumni, researches, etc. he's got a few more weeks left to decide before he runs up against school deadlines.

in the meantime, i feel our relationship has really suffered. i feel i can't be invested in the relationship as i don't know whether he's staying or going and , despite asking, i can't tell how much or if our relationship really factors into the decision. i'm not sure even he knows. as we've been fighting a lot, it probably isn't too huge of a factor

we fight about other things, mainly how much time we spend together and how we make plans (or not). this is stuff that maybe could be worked out if we were going to stay in the same city, but i think it's being exacerbated because i feel so unsafe investing in the relationship when i don't know what our future holds. i would have liked to feel like preserving our relationship was just as important to him as school, but i really don't.

we got close to breaking up a couple weeks ago at my suggestion... i was so frustrated. he said he wanted to try, but we're still having all the same problems and the tension of this decision hanging over the relationship.

what do i do here? wait it out til he decides, and try not to fight in the meantime (even when stuff upsets me)?

[stillafool]

I don't know if I would call your relationship doomed....but, if he isn't expressing the things you want to hear I wouldn't push him any further on the topic. Law school is a lot of work and maybe he thinks it will be too much pressure to be in a live-in relationship where you are looking forward to marriage. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants to do when he gets out of law school or where he wants to go. At any rate if he plans to be a lawyer he knows how to communicate and if I were you I would wait until he says something definite like "I want you to go with me because I don't want to lose you" before I uprooted my life for him.

[mattea]

thanks for the advice. what you said makes sense. i definitely don't plan to move without hearing those things, and with all the problems in the relationship

i guess i just don't get it. i just tend to put my relationship with a significant other right up there with the other most important things in life. when he talks about all the factors involved in the decision, he never talks about us and what it will mean for our relationship. so i feel like he's thinking about this as if he were single. it's not like staying here would be a bad decision... it's a really good school. i know there are many factors to consider, but i just don't get why it's not more important to keep us together. am i being selfish wanting that to be more of a consideration?

[stillafool]

Absolutely not! You have every right to want to hear those things. I dated a young attorney years ago before I married and as soon as he became an attorney he wanted to date around. If he isn't mentioning you in his plans he is doing this purposely. I'm sure he knows how to communicate his feelings. He is being honest with you without being honest with you. I know I said in my previous post not to say anything to him, but this is really bothering you. Just tell him "We need to talk. I hear you making plans for your future but I have not heard you mention me in those plans. What do you see for us in your future plans?"

At least this way you will know and won't have to guess. I can only imagine what you are going through. I'm sure you don't want to get pushy but you have a right to know. Also I think guys like it when we come right out and say what's on our minds rather than second guessing them. Please let us know what he says.