I know there are probably more appropriate places to post this, but since the OW Forum seems to be my home, I wanted to post here.
First and foremost, I am over my xMM. There are no lingering feelings for him. None. I saw him a month ago and he illicited absolutely NO feelings from me. The healing is complete.
We are dead.
However, I am interested in someone and I am feeling vulnerable.
I fear of letting him in due to the fear of getting hurt.
The pain my xMM placed in my life was excruciating. And I do not relish ever going through that again.
I have been cautious. I have listened closely to this new guy. I am not naive any longer. I know the signs to look for. And I trust him.
But I am afraid.
How does one take that leap of faith and let someone else in?
__________________ You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -Eleanor Roosevelt -
I know there are probably more appropriate places to post this, but since the OW Forum seems to be my home, I wanted to post here.
First and foremost, I am over my xMM. There are no lingering feelings for him. None. I saw him a month ago and he illicited absolutely NO feelings from me. The healing is complete.
We are dead.
However, I am interested in someone and I am feeling vulnerable.
I fear of letting him in due to the fear of getting hurt.
The pain my xMM placed in my life was excruciating. And I do not relish ever going through that again.
I have been cautious. I have listened closely to this new guy. I am not naive any longer. I know the signs to look for. And I trust him.
But I am afraid.
How does one take that leap of faith and let someone else in?
oh sweetie, i know how you feel. i'm on the BS side but i deal that unwillingness to trust every day. i'm working on it.
i know it's not that helpful, but...baby steps. truly. you'll get there. just don't throw up walls, if you can help it, and try to take things as they come, rather than reacting pre-emptively. that's the best advice i can give, from experience.
__________________
Anything you've ever said is brilliant
Anything you wanna do is fine by me
This is much better than love, babe...
I don't even know Freedom, and i had 4 years to think about this one.
I tried dating etc but found that nights out with the girls were more fun.
I haven't met anyone since mm that really rocked my sox off .. i don't know why... i don't know if it's because i didn't/don't want to 'work' at anything or maybe i just haven't met anyone that i want to 'work' at anything for.. should i even have to 'work' at anything?.. MMs do all the work in the A lol (until the bitter end that is)
The A was so un-naturally full of passion I seriously doubt that kind of limerance/love is possible unless it is with a sex starved married man.
Someone has a quote in here, i forget who, but it says
"one day someone will walk into your life and you will realise why it never worked out with anyone else"
I'm waiting for that day ...but then i start to think "omg what if that 'someone' was MM".
Last edited by woe_is_me; 16th April 2007 at 6:34 PM..
Oh I know how you feel. Maybe more so from the BS point of view since my feelings are with the man who already hurt me.
I ask myself daily what is easier to let him in and love him as I did like he would like. I know I love him I;m just a little hardened now or to let him go, separate and get a divorce and not take a chance of never forgetting and forgiving.
I just think you have to take that leap of faith. Imagine how boring your life would be if all your decisions were mase with your fear. Let him in and don't think about the future.
That's what I'm doing. Actually as of today and I really am feeling good today. Actually happy. He's getting one chance and one only and he knows that.
I completely understand your fear especially after having worked through you issues FINALLY (NO feelings... that's great!) I can tell you that personally if my WH fell of the face of the earth I would choose NEVER to let a man in again. That said, if you are ready to move on then I believe the answer lies in knowing that you are soley responsible for your happiness and never depending anyone else for that. Go in with eyes wide open and keep your perspective. What ever fills you up has the potential to empty you so enjoy your time with this man but don't loose your self in him.
I am keeping my head screwed on straight. Yep, my eyes are wide open this time. And I stoically refuse to make him suffer for the sins of my xMM. That's neither fair nor healthy.
But this is the thing: My life was already happy and fulfilled before he entered into my life....and I hesitate to complicate my life. For when emotional guards go down, the potential to get hurt goes up.
This is what I have learned from my fiasco with the MM: I am forever changed.
I am stronger and wiser, that's for sure.
But, I am also more dynamic and vibrant having survived this mess....
And I love how I feel about my life and myself.
But I remember that pain.....and it scares me. I would rather poke needles in my eyes than go through that again. And if I let this guy in, the possibility of going through that kind of pain again makes me want to run and hide.
I am not afraid to fall in love, I think....I am afraid of getting hurt.
I have dated, but no one has turned my head. And this guy has.
And I realize that with the awakening of feelings comes vulnerability and risks.
I will gently and tentatively let him in....
This relationship has potential, of this I am sure, yet, I am terrified at the same time.
Being so very happy for you that you are even considering this on the one hand and well understanding your vulnerability on the other:
Being betrayed seems to cause one to look for the most serious and deadly issues; reading between the lines from the get go.
Doesn't that just snatch all the fun away????
We should try not to let the past do this to us: what happened to US not allowing us just to have some old fashioned light hearted fun with the opposite sex? Does an new laision(s) have to be the "do all and be all" panacea? Nope.
It's just dating...which I've always loathed...but it's not a court trial...it's just plain old fashioned "getting to know you" stuff.
Try taking it for what it is and not trying to burden it for what it's not.
It's dinners and movies--not a contract for life!
You are allowed to feel silly and awkward> everyone does for whatever reason.
Please allow yourself to re-learn to enjoy that you are attractive, bright and beautiful.
Sweet hugs to you.
i too tried to date someone, but it just didnt feel the same. i think that is one of the reasons these R's with MM are so destructive to us. they are not real R's, not in the true sense, and this is very confusing to our hearts. we learn to love and be loved in this "fake" manner and then when we come out of these R's, no other R we could have with a SG could compare to what we had come to see as normal with our MM.
i am glad that you have recovered from your R with a MM. i hope you can find true happiness with someone who really cares for you.
The A was so un-naturally full of passion I seriously doubt that kind of limerance/love is possible unless it is with a sex starved married man.
This so so true, but furthermore than the sex even all the constant attention the beutiful words the suprise get aways, the amoutn of beutiful flowers sent to work brought home, the romantic dinners, the gifts and the no stop compliments. WOW how can any one even compare after. I do admit I've always had men that were super attentive in these aspects but in my relationship with my seperated man it really was over the top and constant. It's ahuge high to come off of. It sounds bad but it really was over the top and you tend to get used to that...
Serial Muse already said it, but I'll say it once again.
Baby Steps. One foot in front of the other. Slower sometimes and faster at others. It can be done. And do it like a baby, enjoying each step for what it is - one more step towards a new discovery for yourself.
Good luck.
__________________ I didn't and you can't prove it.
This so so true, but furthermore than the sex even all the constant attention the beutiful words the suprise get aways, the amoutn of beutiful flowers sent to work brought home, the romantic dinners, the gifts and the no stop compliments. WOW how can any one even compare after. I do admit I've always had men that were super attentive in these aspects but in my relationship with my seperated man it really was over the top and constant. It's ahuge high to come off of. It sounds bad but it really was over the top and you tend to get used to that...
Being told to drop his hand and walk ahead or behind if someone yelled out his name when we went out?
Never being able to wake up with him and never being able to fall asleep with him?
Knowing he was a good provider and a very clever guy when it came to fixing things...at no benefit to me?
Gifts and money that compensated for his not being there..making me feel like some kind of hooker?
Having him not being able to take gifts from me..and to be unable to call him or visit him when i wanted?
Being deserted by him with no explanation ..not once.. but twice!?
I could never get used to that .. i don't think i was a 'happy' other woman.
Hello Freedom,
My words of advice........hmm not sure how much weight they would hold, I am not over exMM yet.
However the advice I have read thus far, I think are "right on target"
I think it is wonderful that you are over exMM, to know you hold control over your feelings...........must be so empowering.
One day at a time, baby steps, all excellent advice.
I would also suggest making sure you are both on the "same page" throughout the steps that you make together.
Good Luck FN.........it is good to see someone not only survive a broken heart, but also learn and thrive in her life.
It's also a marvelous opportunity to de-program yourself from an unhealthy situation and reprogram to a healthy one where you can incorporate those hard won personal freedoms. Keep in mind that it's probably part of the reason why your guy found you attractive.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
truly. you'll get there. just don't throw up walls, if you can help it, and try to take things as they come, rather than reacting pre-emptively. that's the best advice i can give, from experience.
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