My wife and I have been married for more than 10 years...and we have 7 kids. She's been somewhat dissatisfied with me from the beginning of our relationship, essentially from the point where, in the interest of honesty and full disclosure, I revealed to her that my previous girlfriend terminated a pregnancy because she didn't feel she would be a fit mother (she had serious problems with depression and some other mental health problems...at the time I felt it wasn't my place to force this woman to do anything, so I acted in as supportive a way as I could but realized it was a mistake soon after the pregnancy was ended).
Sorry for the long sentence.
Anyhow, my wife has always been on the "very christian" side of christianity (although I didn't really know that about her until after we were married--she's from Minnesota, a place where people are very tight-lipped about their feelings).
Fast forward to today...and she feels like I'm a very bad person because I didn't rescue that baby somehow. (I feel terribly about that, but I can't change it.) That feeling has tainted everything she says and does with regard to me. Even though I've tried everything I can think of...gone to numerous counselors with her...expressed my love and devotion in every way...worked two jobs to get us through hard financial times...stuck with her through hard times and good times...really really really done everything I could to be the best possible husband I can be, she still feels like I'm not a good enough person.
Recently, she's been asking her christian friends on message boards and in e-mails (that she sloppily leaves in a family e-mail account) what they think she should do. The friends think I'm a demon of some sort...or a "test" sent to her by the devil...and some other things like that. But she seems to be reserving the final judgment for herself.
Frankly, I'm getting tired of it. I'm a little afraid, too, because I foresee her taking the kids and telling me she doesn't want me around any more. Well, I've come to feel like it's my house and the main reason I've stuck around this long is because I love my kids so much (because her deep-down spitefulness has really stomped the love out of our relationship).
So what do you folks think? Can I just kick her out since she really is the problem? Would that do me any good?
I don't know what to do any more, so I'm hoping for a few suggestions. Thanks in advance for any help you can offer.
If she's so against you and this decision you made, how did you end up having 7 kids?
Things must have been good at one point, how recently did you tell her about your ex?
FWIW, I think your Ex did the right thing aborting and your wife needs to grow up and realise you shouldn't have children, simply because you Can.
I believe that couples shouldn't ever stay married "for the kids". So, if you're unhappy and you don't think the situation can be resolved, by all means take further action!
I'm a little afraid, too, because I foresee her taking the kids and telling me she doesn't want me around any more.
Hey... if she wants to try and raise SEVEN kids on whatever little bit of child support she can wrangle out of you... I believe if it were me I'd wish her luck with that.
Honestly, I think she probably has more to lose in a divorce scenario than you do. Tell her she that her online kvetching is causing problems in your marriage; ask her to stop. If she refuses... report her behavior to your pastor. It's really not appropriate or conducive to healthy marriage.
Meanwhile, see if you can get her into some marriage counseling. You might also want to get her a mental health evaluation if she's displaying obsessive/compulsive type behavior.
report her behavior to your pastor. It's really not appropriate or conducive to healthy marriage.
That's a good idea. She might respond to a church-affiliated authority figure.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladyjane14
Meanwhile, see if you can get her into some marriage counseling. You might also want to get her a mental health evaluation if she's displaying obsessive/compulsive type behavior.
At first, I laughed a little at this part because she used to be a therapist and she was respected in her specialty. But then it kind of sank in how far removed she's become from reason (if not reality). I might try talking to one of our past marriage counselors to see if she can reason with her.
To answer Enema...
Thanks. I wasn't always staying in it solely for the kids. There have been times when it seemed like she was coming around...and we've had "lovier" stretches. But she's really starting to weird out on the christian dogma.
And I haven't entirely made up my mind on what to do. That's why I'm asking around. Thanks again.
For purposes of clarification...
We got married because I "promised" her as many kids as she wanted. I feel like it's another way I've followed through and been consistent, while she's been in the process of reneging on every promise she's made to me over the course of our marriage. What I've found is that I'm devoted to my kids now more than I am to my wife. Part of the reason I'm "afraid" of letting her make the first move is because I don't want her to end up with majority custody of the kids. I'm afraid she'll do a "Jesus Camp" treatment on them (in an extreme worst case scenario). But anything even approaching that would be a nightmare for me. They're young kids (5 under 10), so they're impressionable and those impressions can be indelible.
If she's that into Christian dogma, shouldn't she be as anti-divorce as she is anti-abortion?
In theory, yes. But these days, a lot of the convenience of cloaking oneself in christ seems to lie in the fact that you can be wildly inconsistent and still feel justified.
To Gunny...
Could be that she's going nutty...but I'm not entirely sure. Does anybody know if religious nuttiness works "against" the person in question in custody cases?
If she's that into Christian dogma, shouldn't she be as anti-divorce as she is anti-abortion?
I agree with that . sounds a little like she picks what she wants out of her beliefs ... but as for kicking her out , do you mean just her or her and the kids? I asume it is just her. have you thought about who and how the kids will be taken care of if there is a seperation? 7 kids is alot to handle obviously. I think that if she is thinking your somekind of demon then I would worry about what she is telling the children. I do also think she has mental problem issues, but then again i dont know her or her beliefs. maybe talk to her about a seperation instead of just kicking her out. it would give you two some space to think .
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There is a pretty important question that needs to be addressed in my view:
Question: Do both of you claim to be Christians and have you accepted Jesus Christ personally? If you do, then you have some Biblical “ground rules” that you can follow together and to which you can appeal to her. Most importantly is the whole forgiveness matter. If you have asked God and her for forgiveness then she is obligated to forgive. Forgiving involves putting it aside and in the past…pretty basic to resolution. If she is unwilling to do that you obviously have a person who is professing one thing and yet living another. (If you don't agree at this fundamental level, it is going to be very difficult to resolve)
Whoever suggested counseling from a pastor or someone in authority that she respects is, in my view, essential. It needs to get beyond emailing friends to where she and you are receiving good, consistent and Biblical counsel that is based in Scripture and not opinion.
Furthermore, please do not be afraid of losing the children. That is a slippery slope that many men slide down. Be honest and forthright with your older ones about your past and show them that you want to work it out with their mother. Children can grasp these things and they need to see your lack of fear along with your willingness to work at a solution. Your wife needs accountability to what she says she believes. Hold her to it, but do it in a loving, consistent way.
Last edited by Wakeupcall; 9th April 2007 at 8:10 PM..
Reason: errors
You supplied the answer yourself to the religion/divorce question.
She's online chatting up the "true believers" looking for acceptance and support (much like you are here on LS).
In order to justify divorce, she's willing to entertain that Gawd is using you to "test" her faith.. or worse yet Satan is. Or... maybe the most powerful excuse of all to the compulsive Christian, you are either possessed by, or are in fact a demon yourself.
Typically, she is so self involved that she believes that there is a real possiblility that Gawd himself (or herself) is controlling her relationship personally, or that the Anti-Gawd has personally sent you in the form of a demon to cause her to "fall".
My friend, that's delusional thinking, fraught with serious consequences. Mental illness is a powerful and deadly foe, don't dismiss it lightly. Get your minister involved, as well as secular medical professionals. She's Bonkers.
Oh.. and as for your former GF's actions. I'm not a fan of abortion, however my opinion is moot. Both the legal system, and society in general has no respect for my opinions, and that's probably for the best. You never had any "choice" in the situation. Your ex GF was empowered with all the decision making. You have no responsibility for her decision.
And.... no you can't kick her out. Especially as she could be the custodial parent to seven children you co-created.
I agree with you on most of what you say Lakesidedream, but either she's using her religion to manipulate the situation or she's got a mental/emotional disorder. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Ditto about abortion ~ but I'm not taking up bomb making 101 either.
To the OP, tough stituation. I don't have anyting against religion and such, but to be honest, I couldn't handle being married to Paula Young.
or such~! I'd be like "Damn! Shut up already!"
Besides, I probally couldn't tote the note on the mascara and hairspray bills of those televanganlist.
Well it could very well be that the abortion issue is one target to voice general discontentment and hostility. I know my STBX certainly found a few targets to beat me with to make it easier for her to get out of the marriage. Focusing on a few negatives and building them up to mammoth proportions. One of them was a big problem that I later rectified but the mindset of a 'leaver' is to keep painting the other with a black brush until you're all painted out. Once I fixed the BIG issue suddenly more new ones would keep popping up.
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Thanks for all your replies. I've been working on an at-length reply off and on all day, but it's just one of those days. I'll try to post later tonight or tomorrow.
I agree with you on most of what you say Lakesidedream, but either she's using her religion to manipulate the situation or she's got a mental/emotional disorder. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Ditto about abortion ~ but I'm not taking up bomb making 101 either.
To the OP, tough stituation. I don't have anyting against religion and such, but to be honest, I couldn't handle being married to Paula Young.
or such~! I'd be like "Damn! Shut up already!"
Besides, I probally couldn't tote the note on the mascara and hairspray bills of those televanganlist.
LOL .. your really funny sometimes gunny . hang in there amillion11 , there is always a light in the end of a long dark tunnel ..
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LOL .. your really funny sometimes gunny . 
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