I am not usually the type of person that wants to get involved in others affairs. If i am asked for help i will do my best, but i cant sit by on this one.
My friend is in her early 20s, and is currently in her third pregnancy. The first one she gave the child up for adoption. The second she has kept, and the third she is planning on keeping as well. I am all for taking responsibility for your actions, but here is where the problem comes in. All 3 children have different fathers, and none of the fathers want to be with her. I think that she is continuously doing this to feel loved, and in hopes of trapping the father into a relationship. So far she is left with 2 kids that she cant really take care of. They are going to be less than 18 months apart and she is already suffering financially. She has no vehicle, no job, no family support and is concerned that she will lose her apt. I say that she needs to deal with her own problems, but when theres kids involved its a completly different story. I cant bear to see 2 beautiful children living out of a shoe box, or through the public system.
The worst part of it is that i asked her what her plan was and she said that she didnt have one. She just didnt think that there was any option but for her to keep the new baby. I asked her how she was going to financially make it through the next 20 years (at least) and her response was that she wasnt thinking that far in advance. That comment really threw me.
How can i stand by knowing that I cant do anything to help? but shes destroying any chance that these kids have at a real life? a life full of opportunities that they deserve??
My ex-husband and I separated when the children were 1 and 18 months old and our divorce was final six months later. I had a crap job, a crap car, a house I couldn't afford, and lived in a new town with no friends or family to provide any type of support.
Now, 17 years later with absolutely no support from their father - emotional, financial, or otherwise - they are fine young adults who have never given me any trouble, work part-time jobs, help around the house, do extremely well in school and will both be off to college soon.
It's hard to predict what the future will hold, isn't it?
I totally agree...i mean my mom did it too...but the difference is that there was motivation of giving me and my siblings the best life possible...the life that "we deserved". My friend however has NO motivation to do anything. She doenst have any motivation to go and hand out resumes. Her kids arent enough. She doesnt want to do anything to help herself...
There really isn't anything you can do. If you feel the children are in danger you can act, but laziness isn't classified as child abuse.
There have been some changes in the US welfare system, and one of those is after your chilred reach a certain age you are required to either work or participate in some sort of training program. When I became disabled I appied for this back to work program and found out that my disability disqualified me from the program. Otherwise I would be required to participate in order to recieve my medical care...
So pretty soon she will either have to get a job, or, sadly, have another baby...
__________________
“To judge from the notions expounded by theologians, one must conclude that God created most men simply with a view to crowding hell” Marquis De Sade
“What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?” E. Izzard
I totally agree...i mean my mom did it too...but the difference is that there was motivation of giving me and my siblings the best life possible...the life that "we deserved". My friend however has NO motivation to do anything. She doenst have any motivation to go and hand out resumes. Her kids arent enough. She doesnt want to do anything to help herself...
I don't know how marketable pregnant women are.
Whether she wants to help herself is not relevant. She will have to help her children by providing for them - in one way or another. Society doesn't allow us to let our children live in boxes; there's a minimum standard of living.
Now maybe the dads will be supportive. If not, she's on her own. And if she doesn't do it somehow, the government will intervene on the childrens' behalf.
are the dads giving $$ support??? if not, i'd advise her to get a lawyer who is contingent and get some cashflow.....otherwise, get a document signed by all the fathers that they want nothing to do with the children so she has proof when she goes to apply for all the state/fed help.
when i was preg with our 1st, we had jobs but still didnt make enuff money....i was on state help and was very thankful for it. never went on welfare. she needs to be on birth control, they provide it free at clinics here in MD, but your state may be diff. she can still call and find out where to get it........she needs to not be selfish and start caring for her family she has created. if she needs love, there's nothing like a child's, but they need care in order to give that love.
fathers are off and on supportive. they wont say they dont want any interest, and she wont fight them on it. she lets them get away with anything. we dont have free birth control here, and as for the cashflow...she thinks that she should live off welfare...for the third time...and nobody seems to think that its wrong that she doesnt at least try to do it herself! Her great plan was to work until she was 5 mths, and then go on welfare. Let MY tax dollars, and everyone elses pay for the fact that she "didnt feel like working anymore".
when i asked her what she was going to do with her finances when her children were both in school, both graduating etc...she said that she wasnt planning/thinking that far ahead .. its very frusterating
I'm in Canada too, and I don't know where you are, but there is free birth control, usually in the form of condoms but if your friend is looking for a trap, then she won't use them anyway.
I don't think there's anything in particular you can do, except to offer the support she doesn't seem to have anywhere else. People have to make their own decisions, as tough as it is to those watching. If you can't offer that support (offering to watch the 18 mo old, helping her tidy up or make dinner etc) or letting her emotionally rely on you (venting when she's stressed, complaining about the care two kids require) you're not really helping her since you can't make her give up the kids, or take an "I told you so" stance.
It's super hard to stand by and watch, I agree, but other than expressing your views and then letting her make up her own mind, there's not much to do, I think.
Tough one. I agree with you 100%. I would say exactly what you said here, but to her. Be gentle and sincere and tell her she HAS to think that far in advance.
Perhaps also suggest some therapy.
__________________ those that matter dont mind and those that mind dont matter...
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
can i just stand by??
Linear Mode
