OK I have posted on several "sexless marriage" threads over the past 6 months about my efforts to improve our sexlife. I won't repeat all that stuff here, only to say that we have had some periods of fantastic progress, but the simple fact is my wife still has ZERO sex drive and any little bump in the road will totally derail our sexlife for weeks. The monthly period (1 week no sex). She gets a cold (1 week no sex). I have some work meetings and can't get home for our midweek lunch/sex date (another week no sex). All this just totally eats me up inside, its like I am being deprived of oxygen. Meanwhile she buzzes merrily along, with the occasional dramatic cough to remind me of her 10 day case-of-the-sniffles that has her sleeping on the sofa (so I dont catch her cooties).
Man this **** gets old, old, OLD. I have an enviable life in most respects but solo sex is making me insane!
So today I bump into the smoking hot redhead (10 years older than me) who now lives in the house where I grew up. She instantly starts flirting w me, touches my shoulder several times during simple conversation, invites me over to visit my boyhood bedroom. I am not the cheating or flirting type, 11+ years of 100% faithful marriage. But I do get hit on occasionally (not every day, but it sure does happen) however its usually a younger single girl looking for a relationship of whatever kind (not my thing).
But clearly this red head is married, kids are off in college, and she seems to be lonely, looking for a friend to visit her bedrooms.
I am at a very weak moment in my marriage and just need some words of encourgement to avoid making a big mistake.
OK I have posted on several "sexless marriage" threads over the past 6 months about my efforts to improve our sexlife. I won't repeat all that stuff here, only to say that we have had some periods of fantastic progress, but the simple fact is my wife still has ZERO sex drive and any little bump in the road will totally derail our sexlife for weeks. The monthly period (1 week no sex). She gets a cold (1 week no sex). I have some work meetings and can't get home for our midweek lunch/sex date (another week no sex). All this just totally eats me up inside, its like I am being deprived of oxygen. Meanwhile she buzzes merrily along, with the occasional dramatic cough to remind me of her 10 day case-of-the-sniffles that has her sleeping on the sofa (so I dont catch her cooties).
Man this **** gets old, old, OLD. I have an enviable life in most respects but solo sex is making me insane!
So today I bump into the smoking hot redhead (10 years older than me) who now lives in the house where I grew up. She instantly starts flirting w me, touches my shoulder several times during simple conversation, invites me over to visit my boyhood bedroom. I am not the cheating or flirting type, 11+ years of 100% faithful marriage. But I do get hit on occasionally (not every day, but it sure does happen) however its usually a younger single girl looking for a relationship of whatever kind (not my thing).
But clearly this red head is married, kids are off in college, and she seems to be lonely, looking for a friend to visit her bedrooms.
I am at a very weak moment in my marriage and just need some words of encourgement to avoid making a big mistake.
TELL your W what you posted here about the redhead.How tempting it is, and why it's tempting to you. This is a hurtful thing for her to hear granted, but it would more hurtful to her if you were to fall into an A. After 11+ years together you both should know how to be 'brutally honest' without damaging your connection. But also that honesty should tell her how much she and your M mean to you. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but maybe if she sees how close you are to the edge of ruining your vows, she will take it more seriously.
Ok before I rant about how stupid some women can be I will say Good Luck and sign off..
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Man this **** gets old, old, OLD. I have an enviable life in most respects but solo sex is making me insane!
tommyr, sorry to hear that. I thought, from some of your recent posts, that you and your wife were making some progress. Doesn't sound now like that's the case.
I wonder if you are doing something that IC helped me realize I was doing under the same circumstances, and that is "de-motivating" your W by highlighting the negative. If she is making an effort based on your telling her how important sex is to you and your relationship, that effort is going to have peaks and valleys, good days and bad days. In a similar situation, I found that I was derailing the progress by focusing on her "bad days" out of habit since that had been the flavor of our relationship for quite some time. Needless to say, it was counterproductive as she felt that I was going to find some fault with anything she did. Old habits die hard...
Understand, I am not saying that this is what your doing, simply that realizing this stage was an important hump for us to get over. Now things are much, much, much better. Hope the same for you...
...the simple fact is my wife still has ZERO sex drive and any little bump in the road will totally derail our sexlife for weeks. The monthly period (1 week no sex). She gets a cold (1 week no sex). I have some work meetings and can't get home for our midweek lunch/sex date (another week no sex). All this just totally eats me up inside, its like I am being deprived of oxygen. Meanwhile she buzzes merrily along, with the occasional dramatic cough to remind me of her 10 day case-of-the-sniffles that has her sleeping on the sofa (so I dont catch her cooties).
Okay... you are NOT being "deprived of oxygen".
C'mon, let's have some perspective, man.
I'm totally on her side about not wanting sex while having a dripping head cold or while menstruating. And you know what... I don't even think she should feel obliged to "service" you during those times either. Obviously, there's going to be no fun in it for her, and FUN is what needs to be reinforced in order to get consistent results.
I do understand that she's stretching a bit for excuses.
And I can see why you'd be frustrated with that. I'm with Mr. Lucky though... accent the positives. And make sure you're 'rocking her world' and making the most out of the sexual intimacy you do have.
One of the problems you face is that the longer she goes without it... the less she wants it. Frequent sex actually increases sexual desire in women. (That is, if it's GOOD sex. )
So, while you're waiting for her head cold to clear up or for her period to be over... what little bit of "drive" she might have otherwise had has become kind of dormant. I think it might help you to bear in mind that you two are very different people in the supply/demand aspect of sexuality. Sometimes you might have to coax her along a little to get her 'back up on the horse'.
I said, go for it, what the heck, you know you want it. Guys can't really control themselves when the situation arises infront of their face anyways. You know you're gonna cheat. Like my husband said, it's not cheating if you can't remember it. hehehehe
You've been 100% faithful for 11 years? You sound like the kind of guy who, if you did go ahead and cheat, you would be paying for it emotionally and mentally afterwards.
You'd be beating yourself up but also you'd be angry with your wife for 'making' you go there. Then you'd be holding this against her without her even knowing it...and it looks like a slippery slope down from there to me.
LadyJane makes some really valid points too. The more it feels like a 'job requirement' or duty, the less we look forward to it, and the less we have it the less we want/need it.
Admittedly I am new around here, so I don't know the whole history here, and I know you are tired of it being a work in progress, but all I can suggest is that you make it fun, light and enjoyable, and let her know that you want to be intimate with her because SHE is so desirable. Not just cos you want to get your end off in something other than your hand for a change
Why dont you buy her one of those vibrating egg things that are controlled by a remote you hold? Then take her out to a dinner party and zap her when she's in the middle of a political debate with someone...
Why dont you buy her one of those vibrating egg things that are controlled by a remote you hold? Then take her out to a dinner party and zap her when she's in the middle of a political debate with someone...
Love it! Now where can I find one of those.....???
Tommyr, I totally sympathize with you, only I am the woman not getting the participation from my H who PREFERS solo sex.
I have been involved in an affair before and let me tell you, it starts off fun and games and usually ends in disaster. If it doesn't turn into fatal attraction, then there is still plenty of guilt and WTF did I do that for when the thrill wears off. Also, once you allow yourself to go down that path, it could become a pattern and yes, you could well resent your wife for "putting you in that position".
My H tried too to improve things and did for a while, never quite to where I wanted them to be but now things are dwindling again and I am starting to feel so hungry that I find myself feeling attracted to a lot of people, and the temptation is hard to resist.
BUT - I agree with everyone else. Before you take the risk of ruining your marriage by being dishonest and embarking on an affair, take the risk of ruining your marriage by being honest and telling your wife about these feelings. If nothing else, you'll feel better about yourself in the end.
I feel compelled to respond: please, please don't tell your wife you are tempted to cheat with the redhead or anyone. With the greatest respect to TheDiva, I think that advice is terribly risky.
I have no idea what is behind your wife's antics, but if the approach sounds the least little bit like "either you do it with me or I will go to candidate number 2" I don't think that will be helpful and will be almost as damaging as actually having the affair. If it were me and my husband said such a thing, I would probably send him to the redhead's immediately, change the locks and go see a divorce lawyer.
Many people just don't respond well to threats.
I agree with the others who have suggested that you approach your wife on the basis that you really love to have sex WITH HER, that you find her appealing and wonderful and that sex is not a "job requirement" that you want to impose on her, but the natural result of your great admiration of her. Open your heart before you unzip your pants.
Make the most of the encounters that do occur - surely after 11 years you know what will please her. Don't pressure her -seduce her with compliments, get her tipsy, read erotic passages from novels to her - whatever you know will help her feel "in the mood" as opposed to serving a sentence.
If you put in a couple of months of honest effort - no spinning in your own favour - with no change at all then I do think that a marriage counsellor is needed.
Stay away from the redhead. Preserve your self-respect, honour your wife, and redouble your efforts. Coming here and venting and asking for advice is the right thing to do, and you should keep doing what you know is the right thing.
Good luck!
Last edited by Sheba; 13th April 2007 at 9:37 PM..
But I am very surprised and disturbed over the fact this idea sticks in my mind, more than a normal 10 second fleeting fantasy. It's like for some reason right now, my frustration at home has brought me to a place where my "romantic antenna" is suddenly (and subconsciously) elevated and my brain is sending and receiving signals to prospective OW. This is totally not like me and it's freaked me out, enough that I saw a psychologist this week to talk about my extreme thoughts (another thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116848/
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