[almostthere]

This is a messy situation...

My best friend (male) has two girls ages 8 and 9. His exw just recently bought a home with her bf. They have been dating probably about a year now. Everything in their relationship has moved really quickly and I have been worried about the kids getting thrown into situations this quick. I have talked to my friend about it but he feels he doesnt have much say so. I told him as the father of his children he does. Whatever....I fought him on it but it didnt help. Her and new bf moved in together only after about 2 months of dating. They met online from eharmony so its not like they ever knew each other until then. I just dont want to see the kids feel that loss again when she dumps or gets dumped. If it happens at all.

Anyway, about a month ago he received a phone call from his stepson (his exw's son) that her bf's stepdaughter (currently living with exw and bf) molested her when she was younger. his stepson made him promise not to tell his mom because he was afraid she would make him move out or that the bf would kick his stepdaughter out and maybe him too.

It is assumed (only because no mother would put her kids in this situation knowingly) that exw doesnt know that much about him yet. I told my best friend that he has to call her and let her know. His girls could have this happen to them too and since he knew about the possibility that he should try to stop it. We arent sure she doesnt know though and I am sure shes the type of mom who would stay anyway because she loves the guy.

I agrued with him about three times on this subject and got no where. He doesnt want to be the cause of them (exw and bf) kicking anyone out. I feel that he is in the wrong and I would tell my exh in a heart beat if i was told this information. I am extremely disappointed in him for not telling her. He is putting his girls at risk.

Now what? i cannot make him do it. I cannot call her myself because, well, we hate each other (shes a horrible person to me) and we have never officially met or ever been friends. But I still feel guilty having this information and not telling her. I am just as bad as my best friend.

Any advice? Please.......

I was thinking about sending a text message that she cannot track and just denying it if i was ever questioned about it (he would be very upset at me for doing it). But that is so childish. But it needs to be said. by him but he wont. what would you do?

[quankanne]

if he doesn't want to confront the situation with his exwife, he definitely needs to talk to the girls about good touching and bad touching, about grown ups wanting them to keep secrets about questionable behavior, etc. He can contact a local abuse shelter, he can talk with their teachers he's got a comfortable relationship with, he can ask his family for help. These girls need to be aware that not all people have good intentions, and that Daddy will never be mad at them for letting him know if something happens they know is wrong. The best thing he can do to protect them is to inform/prepare them so that they can identify improper behavior when it takes place.

... I imagine he doesn't want to bring it up with his ex because she'll see it as him being jealous or upset that she's with another man ...

[boshemia]

I have talked to my friend about it but he feels he doesnt have much say so. I told him as the father of his children he does.

As much as it seems a Father has some say so in the matter, he has very little. My step-daughter has been in one bad situation after another, her mother gets a new "boyfriend" every year or so. One of which was a convicted sex offender, and the current beat her mother in front of her then killed her dog. Social services is our only recourse, and they are more trouble than they are worth.

However, he has the right to say whatever he wants to to her or the new man... so in this case maybe a visit from a suspicious daddy and friend to the suspected offender isn't such a bad idea. Just be honest with the guy... tell him that you have been informed through the grapevine that he has a tendency towards certain behaviors and that you will do anything to protect these children. If he even thinks about touching them that you have no problem with prosecuting him.

Make sure he knows that you know the signs of an abused child and that you are watching him... Make the man uncomfortable, and chances are he will leave on his own. They operate in secrecy, and count on the parents to be oblivious.

You are probably right about the mother, not because she doesn't love her kids but because she most likely wouldn't believe anyone who told her. Not without some serious proof, and even then they find ways to convince themselves otherwise... Go through the guy and see what happens.

There is always the social services route but like I said they can backfire on you easily and everyone could lose access to the children.

Also keep in mind that anyone who knowingly allows a child to remain in a dangerous situation can be charged as well... if nothing else works, inform the mother of this...

Good Luck, and tell your friend to do WHATEVER it takes to keep these children from being harmed, the consequences are lifelong and very damaging. It is uncomfortable to make waves... but for the babies it is always worth it.

Oh and document everything!

[almostthere]

Thanks...I will keep notes.

She wont think he is jealous or doing it to get back at her. They hate each other and he is with someone he really loves. He started dating her when his exw was asking for him back and he chose his current relationship over her and they moved in together and have been in love ever since...almost fairy tale like for the past 4 years. (I'm jealous...lol...I am just kidding but it does seem perfect). The exw knows and sees this and hears how wonderful they are through their kids.

Anyway, i never thought to have my friend visit him with a big friend. or even call and address it to him.

He is going to talk to the girls though...that is good advice. he asked his girlfriend for help with that and they both are asking me too. SO together we are mapping it out and then daddy will talk to them. We think its most important coming from him and his girlfriend (just to have a female they trust there).

I guess thats it huh? I still want to make sure she knows somehow. no secret text huh?....lol

[Sup]

I would text, or e-mail her if I were you, if she does nothing, well it's not on you!