Hey guys, I'm new to the forum so thought I'd start by saying a hello to you all
Bit of a long winded one this (so try bear with me) though probably a fairly simple answer for a lot of you.
I'm 25 years old, the ex is 26.
Was with a girl for borderline 3 years. We used to live in separate towns at the time, about 80 miles from each other. I'd drive up usually once or twice a week and sometimes at the weekend, was the best memories back then.
We moved in together at her place some 6 months later, where we had 2 years of relative harmony. Never really argued, just had fun with each other company, the best times.... you get the jist.
After 2 years or so, I guess we were what most would consider a very stable relationship (or so I thought), I work as an IT Engineer so often found myself at computers, whilst at the time she worked in retail. We'd always have the evenings to ourselves, even though I'd spend a lot of time on the computer (I know I'm terrible for it, i know my weaknesses now though)
Our friendship groups would often joke about "when you going to marry the girl etc"
Some of our close friends had a kid and loved her dearly and would ask sometimes if we would ever have kids and stuff, I guess all that commitment scared me. Even the ex would sometimes suggest at times about it, she was broody and I got frightened by it all. Instead of talking about it I bottle things up.
The relationship ended fairly abruptly close to the 3 year mark. I ended the relationship, at the time there wasn't really anything huge which was causing me to want to split up. Deep down I was probably just afraid of commitment like a lot of us men are. I came back one day and said that the relationship was over, obviously a huge shock to the ex but I guess there was no other way of saying it at the time.
Here is where I make myself thick at the thought of it all.
Some months or two afterwards I met someone through work, we got on great and starting dating one another. The ex and I would still stay in touch at this point and just say Hi and whatnot, she was dating other people as was I. The new relationship I was in was extremely different from the previous one (hence the attraction I guess) in that we were very verbal, would argue if something annoyed us about each other etc.
As a result the relationship would involve a lot of I hate you, thanks for nothing kinda breakups which soon would mend themselves back to dating stage within a few days. During this time however I still had immense feelings for my ex.
In the summer of last year I split with the recent gf and decided to give things a try with my ex, things were going great... Happy times, good fun, except I got cold feet and left (the impression of me being totally undecisive I guess is coming across)
Again soon after I got back with the recent gf and have been with her on and off for coming up to about a year now. Things are good in the relationship, however I miss my ex. Over a year on, I dwell on the past, all the mistakes I made, I miss her smile, the way we'd talk to each other about problems and participated in each others lives (which is not what I do in my present relationship as she's very independant).
I know its not fair to continue a relationship with the present girlfriend even though I do care about her loads! And I shouldn't even pop onto msn and say ello to the ex which we do occasionally to catch up. She's settling now and has a bf of about 6 months or so, but we still talk loads about how much we miss each other.
The question being, I messed up, and had a chance and blew that one as well (smooth man...) I know anyone out there would say, you obviously split for a reason, move on man, forget about her etc. But I've tried so much and I just can't. I just miss all the little things about her which made me fall in love with her the first time round.
Am I crazy? I'm so confused. Are there people out there I should speak to about such things?
Lost Internetter...
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