After nearly two years, seeing one another off and on as friends and lovers, I realized how my MM wasn't giving me what I needed emotionally, wasn't going to leave his wife. Despite a strong shared affection and the incredible physical connection between us, if he wasn't going to leave her, then there was absolutely no way to justify continued contact, which would only hurt me (longing for what would remain continually out of reach--a real relationship), further hurt his relationship with his W, hurt everybody.
Last nail in the coffin, the final correspondance has been sent, we're done. NC, by my choice, started yesterday. Its killing me to give up on this, on what was a supportive and sustaining friendship for me, as I did honestly think there was a chance of his coming away with me. Obviously, I was wrong, but that doesn't change the amount of emotional investment, of hope, I put into it, or the fact that I am going to miss him terribly.
If anyone is willing to offer words of support, I'd appreciate them, because this finally IS the right thing to do, and I shouldn't have interfered between the two of them to begin with. It's just very hard to give him up.
You finally put yourself first and realized that what you were getting from the affair wasn't enough. I'm sure this is quite a blow to his ego as the MM has been used to having TWO women in his life to fulfill all his needs. Don't let him back into your life. He may try to reel you back in, so don't let him!!
You deserve someone who will love only you. I know you're in pain and your heart hurts, but you did the right thing. By staying you'd selling yourself short, depriving yourself of ALL aspects of a real open relationship.
You did the right thing. Good for you! It is very difficult at first but you will get through this. You'll have good days and bad days. Right now I seem to have more bad days then good (my A ended in January) but I think I'm also going through an anger stage. Hopefully that will pass soon because some days are unbearable. But keep reminding yourself you are better then that and can do much better. To continue would have only caused you more pain in the long run.
Thanks Herenow, Whichwayisup, and Jinxx... I really appreciate your taking the time to add your comments.
I know it's for the best, but knowing doesn't stop it from hurting. I'm on all of Day 1 of NC, and the thought of talking to him has only crossed my mind 5 or so times over the course of my day. It was such a habit. *sigh*
This is why I came on this board, however, in that it Does help to hear from people who Know both how difficult it is and why it should be done.
Just ride it out, cry when you need to and as the week goes on, try to take afew hours to get out and forget all about it. Even if it's an hour, to see a movie and have a laugh.
You can break the habit. In time, it will get easier.
You deserve a guy who is yours and yours only, and wonderfully, you've realised this, which is half the battle.
Now everytime you feel like picking up the phone to call him, or answering any of his attempts at contact, remember what you deserve, what you are truly worth.
Have you got people around you who can pick up some of the slack with regards to losing the support you received from him?
Well done Josh! You ARE doing the right thing and although you know it, deep down sometimes you may have days where you feel the opposite. Just stick with NC and in time it WILL get easier. As you've already been told, you deserve someone who can be exclusively yours.
It's an old cliche of course, but try and keep busy, surround yourself with friends or do other things you enjoy and that you know will make you happy. I'm not saying that any of this will take your mind off MM completely but you WILL get there in the end.
Thank you for the compliment! I really wasn't expecting anything like it...
And, sadly, one of the reasons MM and I ended up in as much contact as we did, to begin with, was because the majority of my support network is some distance away, and I was looking for someone to talk with.
Thank you for taking a moment to add your comment! It does sincerely help to hear from all of you.
I am trying my best to just focus on my own life, and those things I can do to make it better. ...Or at least on things which are pleasantly distracting. Yesterday evening was spent shopping at the local mall, for instance, which I hadn't previously explored.
Never fear, oh kindly supportive people, I'm not GOING to, but the thought of 'I never did tell him about RandomThing-A or say EmotionalThing-B' keeps popping into my mind, and is vaguely to moderately maddening. Especially when I Was quite clear about getting everything I was feeling across, before closing that door. I guess expressing one's feelings doesn't stop one from wanting to say them over again. *sigh*
Honestly though, given the sort of person MM is, I don't expect him to respond any further to my final communications than he already has or to try further to change my mind. So once I -do- get past having that urge to share things with him, NC will pretty much tend to itself.
Last edited by joshfircand; 4th April 2007 at 4:58 PM.
Thank you for the compliment! I really wasn't expecting anything like it...
And, sadly, one of the reasons MM and I ended up in as much contact as we did, to begin with, was because the majority of my support network is some distance away, and I was looking for someone to talk with.
Ahhh, well, you know it's time to dedicate some effort in finding support. Maybe you could take a holiday and see those people who live further away from you? Getting out of one's usual environment can be really helpful in itself.
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I keep thinking about emailing him.
Never fear, oh kindly supportive people, I'm not GOING to, but the thought of 'I never did tell him about RandomThing-A or say EmotionalThing-B' keeps popping into my mind, and is vaguely to moderately maddening. Especially when I Was quite clear about getting everything I was feeling across, before closing that door. I guess expressing one's feelings doesn't stop one from wanting to say them over again. *sigh*
Laughing my arse off! That's exactly what I'm going through at the moment! I was even starting to make things up in my own mind that I just had to tell my ex. If it's any comfort, it passes and those really important things that you just have to say now, become quite trivial, quite quickly. If you get frustrated, you can always write a letter, tuck it away somewhere, read it occasionally, make adjustments, then throw it out. Write it with a pen and paper, doing it electronically isn't quite the same. If you don't throw it out, it'll probably give you a laugh in years to come, or at least remind you of how far you've come.
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Honestly though, given the sort of person MM is, I don't expect him to respond any further to my final communications than he already has or to try further to change my mind. So once I -do- get past having that urge to share things with him, NC will pretty much tend to itself.
That can be a double edged sword can't it? On the one hand it's great to have one's ex chase one, it puts one more in control of the situation if nothing else. But on the other hand, as you say, NC is far easier, the process is far quicker if contact is zero.
Either way Josh, keep posting, I want to hear all about how it goes <nosey>
That can be a double edged sword can't it? On the one hand it's great to have one's ex chase one, it puts one more in control of the situation if nothing else. But on the other hand, as you say, NC is far easier, the process is far quicker if contact is zero.
Either way Josh, keep posting, I want to hear all about how it goes <nosey>
I shall definitely keep posting, though I'm not certain as to the frequency.
As for the rest, though I'm committed to NC now that I know there isn't any hope of his leaving his W, I -did- want him to have the decency to at least make some sort of parting guesture. And he hasn't. I can understand why not....the whole 'putting all this behind him' mentality, but it doesn't stop me from being disappointed, and somewhat angry.
After nearly two years, seeing one another off and on as friends and lovers, I realized how my MM wasn't giving me what I needed emotionally, wasn't going to leave his wife. Despite a strong shared affection and the incredible physical connection between us, if he wasn't going to leave her, then there was absolutely no way to justify continued contact, which would only hurt me (longing for what would remain continually out of reach--a real relationship), further hurt his relationship with his W, hurt everybody.
Two years is a lot of time and I'm sure you invested a lot emotionally. It is tough to let go of that history.
You have been through the ringer obviously. There has been a lot of sacrificing on your part to have this relationship. You have lowered your expectations and accepted less than you deserve.
That can all change now that you have broken free.
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Originally Posted by joshfircand
Last nail in the coffin, the final correspondance has been sent, we're done. NC, by my choice, started yesterday. Its killing me to give up on this, on what was a supportive and sustaining friendship for me, as I did honestly think there was a chance of his coming away with me. Obviously, I was wrong, but that doesn't change the amount of emotional investment, of hope, I put into it, or the fact that I am going to miss him terribly.
I know this must be incredibly hard because you made him an intrinsic part of your life for two years.
But I am sorry to say this - you were an additional part of his. One of those that he could let go of.
You deserve a lot more. Now you can finally find a partner that not only can be supportive of you but make you the center of his world without hiding or putting others before you.
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Originally Posted by joshfircand
If anyone is willing to offer words of support, I'd appreciate them, because this finally IS the right thing to do, and I shouldn't have interfered between the two of them to begin with. It's just very hard to give him up.
It seems he was so much of what you want but he could never be all of it.
Now that you can begin to move on, and NC is indeed best, you will get past this. Take the lessons you have so obviously learned about compromise and apply those in a truly fulfilling relationship that is 100% yours.
You have a sound mind and ending it is a good way to ensure that you continue in this sanity. Also the chances of him leaving in 2 yrs is close to nill and none, these are delay tactics....
Be encouraged as you did the right thing!
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To err is human, to forgive is divine
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Ended the affair. Could use words of support.
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