I have read several threads where people have given various definitions of what an EA is. The most consistent trait seems to be the forging of a bond where things are said and/or done that would not be said or done with the knowledge of the spouse. Discussions that are of a personal nature - perhaps involving the problems in the person's relationship and issues within their M.
It seems to me that this encompasses most friendships. Unless, of course, the things said are declarations of undying, unrequited love.
Looking at it from a typical female-female friendship (since I don't really know what guys talk to guys about), most women share things with their friends that their husbands don't know about. And I am sure that many husbands would be mortified if they knew some of the things their wife tells her best friend.
So I have my best friend and she comes to me when she needs someone to talk to. When she is having a down moment...when she is questioning something in her life. And I listen, and I might tell her what I would do if it was me, and I might suggest that she talk to him about it. Then I give her a hug and I tell her I love her and that everything will be okay, that she's a wonderful, beautiful, strong woman - and she will get through whatever the issue of the moment is.
Now, just suppose my best friend is male. All of a sudden, according to the common definition of an EA, I have become an OW and he is now "my" MM. Because we talk about things such as his marriage and his wife doesn't know about it and probably wouldn't be happy that he was discussing these things. Because I hug him when he needs it and tell him I love him. Because we are friends and not the same gender.
I don't like this new definition of my friendship.
I have read several threads where people have given various definitions of what an EA is. The most consistent trait seems to be the forging of a bond where things are said and/or done that would not be said or done with the knowledge of the spouse. Discussions that are of a personal nature - perhaps involving the problems in the person's relationship and issues within their M.
It seems to me that this encompasses most friendships. Unless, of course, the things said are declarations of undying, unrequited love.
Looking at it from a typical female-female friendship (since I don't really know what guys talk to guys about), most women share things with their friends that their husbands don't know about. And I am sure that many husbands would be mortified if they knew some of the things their wife tells her best friend.
So I have my best friend and she comes to me when she needs someone to talk to. When she is having a down moment...when she is questioning something in her life. And I listen, and I might tell her what I would do if it was me, and I might suggest that she talk to him about it. Then I give her a hug and I tell her I love her and that everything will be okay, that she's a wonderful, beautiful, strong woman - and she will get through whatever the issue of the moment is.
Now, just suppose my best friend is male. All of a sudden, according to the common definition of an EA, I have become an OW and he is now "my" MM. Because we talk about things such as his marriage and his wife doesn't know about it and probably wouldn't be happy that he was discussing these things. Because I hug him when he needs it and tell him I love him. Because we are friends and not the same gender.
I don't like this new definition of my friendship.
__________________ “Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
This is an interesting one. Should a 'normal' friendship with a member of the opposite sex be defined as an EA just because you are sharing things with that person that your partner doesn't know about, when there would be considered nothing wrong with this if the person was of the same sex? I have saved the above link in my favourites so that I can have a good read of it later.
If I was in a friendship with someone of the opposite sex (as above) I wouldn't consider myself to be having an EA unless I had inappropriate feelings for that person (inappropriate as in feelings you shouldn't have for one person whilst in a R with another). That said, if the shoe were on the other foot and my partner was discussing personal issues with a member of the opposite sex, I would probably be put out if it was a new friendship. If it was a female that he had as a friend before we were together I would see things differently. These things aren't as black and white as we may sometimes think.
Hi, I don't think it would be considered an EA in MY book unless I was totally UNAWARE of the friendship. It's when the deceit and lies come in the picture that trouble begins. If it's just a normal friendship like W have w/ other W, then ok, as long as the spouse is aware of it and it's discussed from time to time. Personally I wasn't made aware of ANY of my H's A's, EA's OR PA's...
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This is an interesting one. Should a 'normal' friendship with a member of the opposite sex be defined as an EA just because you are sharing things with that person that your partner doesn't know about, when there would be considered nothing wrong with this if the person was of the same sex? I have saved the above link in my favourites so that I can have a good read of it later.
If I was in a friendship with someone of the opposite sex (as above) I wouldn't consider myself to be having an EA unless I had inappropriate feelings for that person (inappropriate as in feelings you shouldn't have for one person whilst in a R with another). That said, if the shoe were on the other foot and my partner was discussing personal issues with a member of the opposite sex, I would probably be put out if it was a new friendship. If it was a female that he had as a friend before we were together I would see things differently. These things aren't as black and white as we may sometimes think.
Thanks - that was my point - I wasn't questioning whether I was in an EA - just trying to provoke some thought. I don't consider it an EA - he is my friend. But from what I have been reading, many would consider it as such. On one point though, I did meet him after he was married - so I am not a friend that was there before his wife.
She and I have discussed it a bit. Particularly her feelings when he first met me and began mentioning my name at home. I think we are all okay with it now. That being said, I am pretty sure that she doesn't realize quite how close we are.
An EA with the opposite gender consists of parasitic tendencies towards the primary relationship. There are usually sexual undertones where one or both parties has a greater interest in forging more than a friendship bond.
Take a trip out of town somewhere for a week without either your husband or 'friend' -- without contacting either during that time -- and observe your emotional state.
If you miss your spouse and not the 'friend,' then there isn't an emotional affair. If you miss the 'friend' and not the spouse, then you are in an emotional affair.
If you miss them both, you are in an emotional love triangle.
And if you break down after a couple of days and call the 'friend,' then you definitely need to work on your marriage.
Take a trip out of town somewhere for a week without either your husband or 'friend' -- without contacting either during that time -- and observe your emotional state.
If you miss your spouse and not the 'friend,' then there isn't an emotional affair. If you miss the 'friend' and not the spouse, then you are in an emotional affair.
If you miss them both, you are in an emotional love triangle.
And if you break down after a couple of days and call the 'friend,' then you definitely need to work on your marriage.
Any questions?
Just one...when did I get back together with my husband??
OK - just kidding (well, not really but...) In any event - a week away - sure I'd miss him but no more than my best girlfriend. Of course - I usually talk to her at some point when I am away.
But in many cases in an emotional affair, one's spouse is the last person on the mind of the cheating spouse. Let me define my terms here: By missing someone, I mean the strong combined sexual-emotional yearning that one usually reserves for one's spouse. It's not simply not being able to talk to one's platonic friend, but it's one step beyond infatuation.
You feel when you're around your spouse that you're almost cheating on your 'friend'? That's the sign of an emotional affair. That 'friend' is the first person you call when some good news happens instead of calling the wife? Emotional affair.
Ultimately, it's one of those "you know it when you see it or feel it" things. Sometimes words can't convey a state of being.
EA is totally not about sharing things that you wouldn't tell your spouse with someone else. If we take everything so literally then buying a present for my husband implies that I have an EA with the salesman, because I certainly wouldn't tell my husband about our conversation.
I am just joking, but my point is that I share many things that I wouldn't tell my husband with other people. Most of them actually are about my husband.
Emotional affair contains the word "emotional" which means deep emotionas are involved. The word "affair" implies that these emotions are mutual and actively expressed and shared. The talk is the typical lovers' talk. There could be sexual conversations or cyber/phone sex involved, too. They think of each other a lot and fantasize of being together, making love, etc. EAs usually evolve from the needs that are not being fulfilled in the marriage, but these people (or one of the actors) make a decision to remain physically faithful. Sometimes they develop into physical affairs.
__________________ If one can let go, one can move forward - Jerbear
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Last edited by RecordProducer; 29th March 2007 at 4:53 PM..
She and I have discussed it a bit. Particularly her feelings when he first met me and began mentioning my name at home. I think we are all okay with it now. That being said, I am pretty sure that she doesn't realize quite how close we are.[/quote]
She sounds like a very mature and honest person and at least he has been straight with her, well, by not sneaking behind her back seeing you at any rate. I would say, if you felt guilty about your R with him (or if he did) then it would definitely be an EA, although I guess there are people who feel guilty about nothing in particular and those who just feel guilty about nothing.
If NOT an EA then:
Could be a matter of what would be considered appropriate between the partners themselves and what they would consider as a matter of betrayal of their respective mutual trust.
I don't think discussing SOME things with another person are particularly inappropriate, and even less so if that person is a KNOWN life-long friend or a family member.
What would be inappropriate is when the attached partner is actually seeking out an emotional connection and manipulating that emotional connection with another to undermine their partner. As then that "extra" person becomes the defining or more important aspect of one's emotional existence beyond the R from which they should derive that kind of support and connection.
This may even include a family member such as when a spouse continually runs to a mother or brother or best friend and then forces that opinion (and only that opinion--which probably matches theirs) down the throat of their partner.
OR when a partner gives inappropriate intimate details about the other to anyone about which was agreed to be private or perceived as private merely by the fact of the R in and of itself.
As for an actual EA I would think that this carries further into another kind of intimacy where the two have become so emotionally dependent on each other that the spouse has, for the most part, become a non-factor:
When the attached partner is actually seeking out an emotional connection and manipulating that emotional connection with another which undermines their partner and the primary R. As then that "extra" person becomes the defining or more important aspect of one's emotional existence beyond the R from which they should seek to derive that kind of support and connection.
I think EA's are deadly and too often how marriages break down as one spouse is enabled to AVOID and the other has no clue as to the needs of that spouse and is unfairly robbed of the chance to address those needs.
Thanks - that was my point - I wasn't questioning whether I was in an EA - just trying to provoke some thought. I don't consider it an EA - he is my friend. But from what I have been reading, many would consider it as such. On one point though, I did meet him after he was married - so I am not a friend that was there before his wife.
She and I have discussed it a bit. Particularly her feelings when he first met me and began mentioning my name at home. I think we are all okay with it now. That being said, I am pretty sure that she doesn't realize quite how close we are.
Sounds like she had some issues with your friendship and upon meeting you has decided to put this relationship/friendship onto a "watch" list.
It may not be an EA right now, or ever for that matter, but that doesn't mean that she's cool with it. In the aftermath of my H's EA, he cut ties with just about all of his friends of the opposite sex. I requested it for the ex-gf/friends. He did it on his own for the others for his own sanity and to learn to put some boundaries around our M.
We wives are funny like that. Cool with it one minute and not cool with it in the next. Just don't try to demonize her for protecting "hers". Most women would do the same. Oh, yes, and do respect her wishes, whether or not he does.
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What would be inappropriate is when the attached partner is actually seeking out an emotional connection and manipulating that emotional connection with another to undermine their partner. As then that "extra" person becomes the defining or more important aspect of one's emotional existence beyond the R from which they should derive that kind of support and connection.
Exactly. This is the parasitic aspect I mentioned earlier. A friend should be someone who enriches your life, not someone who undermines the primary relationship. Add sexual undertones or blatant flirtation from one or both parties and you have a serious problem.
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