Wow, I am so glad to have found a place to come and air my thoughts. TBH, it's been hard keeping this all to myself and having noone to ask for advice or just listen to me.
Well, let me try to summarize I guess. I have been having an affair with a MM for exactly one month today. I have never been in this situation before. My attraction to him was pretty unexpected as well -- he is 18 years older than me and no offense or anything but I normally wouldn't go for that sort of thing. I was shocked at myself when I realized I was attracted to someone so much older (he's almost 50). I saw he had a ring but wasn't sure if he was married... after all his wife was never with him when I would see him at these nightclub parties he organized (and being his wife, I certainly would make sure I was there!!). Anyway we met because he is basically my agent. I wasn't even sure if he liked me back at first, until I had lunch with him one day when I had to pick up a check and we basically wound up spending the entire day together. During the lunch (with another friend of his) he had mentioned he had a kid (11 years old) at which point I sort of assumed he was married... At the end of the day when we were alone, he finally made his move. That's when I asked him if he was married and he said yes. He aparently has been married for about 12 years, and according to him, has never had an affair before.
Probably needless to say, our relationship became very passionate very quickly. I was actually very surprised. When I got into this, I went into it telling myself that we would never be together, and that I would accept any pain that came as a result of all of this. And like I said, logically speaking, what am I going to do with someone so much older? I really believed it would be something not too significant. I started reading up on affairs and how they usually end, I read about how MM supposedly do their best to make you fall in love with them so they can have their wife and you too, how they string you along... I had my guards up. I still do. And, not wanting to freak him out, I of course told him I didn't care he was married, I wasn't looking to get married, I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married ever etc. I figured if he thought I wanted to end up with him or something, that would give him reason to manipulate me into staying in the affair later on down the road. The way things were in the beginning, I couldn't even imagine him ever telling me he loved me or making me any promises or anything... now I am not so sure.
Well, we have spent a decent amount of time together (and no, not just meeting up for sex - we've actually only slept together 3 times til now) and unfortunately, I find myself really liking the guy. I like his personality. Since we're in the same line of work, we have a lot to talk about (and he loooooooves talking to me about that stuff). Plus I am sure I am attracted to what he symbolizes -- an older man, someone more knowledgable, more stable, someone who could take care of me. He's the kind of guy that, if he wasn't married, we probably could have had a great friendship and relationship.
But what is making this really difficult is HIM. Since we first hooked up, he has been very candid about his feelings, and things have been intensifying every week. I can't believe it has just been a month. I wonder what it will be like by the end of next month. Like I said, I went into this expecting nothing. Assuming I would get absolutely nothing. But the next thing you know, he is telling me things like he is thinking about me too much. That he thinks about me all the time. That he thinks about me more than his wife (who, by the way, he had initially said he loves and didn't have a bad relationship with). Within a week or so he was calling me every night. Another week later he even started calling me during the weekend. He started trying to see me as much as possible. He even came to my work during my lunch hour once. Saying he doesn't understand why he misses me so much. That he fricking wakes up at night thinking about me. Now he is starting to call me during my lunch hour. Sending me mp3's of songs talking about not being able to stop thinking about someone. And me of course, I don't say anything. I mean I usually just giggle and say "that's sweet" or sometimes I'll reciprocate and say I miss him too, but I never initiate these exchanges. I swore to myself I would never let him on to just how much I was starting to feel for him. Well except for one time, feeling brave, I sent him some song lyrics talking about feeling hypnotized by someone -- and he sent back a short poem (not written by him) that ended with a line about wanting to take me in his arms and never let go. I guess I asked for that, I was a dumbass. Then there was the death blow, the first time he actually really opened up about his feelings, expressing that he felt "fear" because he is after all married with a kid, and that someone would get hurt -- I asked if he meant anyone other than just me and him, and he listed three possible outcomes, one of them being us deciding to be together and his wife getting hurt!! Argghghgh why did he have to go and say that! But again, I stay silent...
I try very hard to keep a wall up and not get too attached but it is SO HARD when someone tells you things like this! I mean it's just a natural reaction I think to start feeling something back when someone treats you sweetly and says these lovely things to you. I get the impression that he is just confused rather than trying to manipulate... which is tough to deal with as it is. I try not to read too deeply into the things he says, no matter how tempting it is, and figure than in due time, I'll know whether this is for real or just a dead end.
So, anyone have any thoughts? Thanks for reading all that, btw...
He is married. Of course it's a dead end. It's just a matter of how deeply you'll get sucked in before you realize it. The longer you stay in the affair, the more attached you will become and the harder it will be to extricate yourself.
He's not going to leave his wife and child. He has a good relationship with his wife and he loves her. He is in the early infatuation/honeymoon phase of an affair. It will pass, and you will be the one who is hurt while he has his wife and child to go back to.
wow. i found this place a week ago and we seem to be the same person ( see "new and in need" for my story). You seem to be very rational and I would like to consider myself as being the same. However, your post has scared me because I have heard the same thing. When me and my guy met, it was understood that nothing would happen. Then, he started calling saying he couldn't stop thinking about me, and then calling more and saying "why cant i stop thinking about you. you've ruined me" Then saying that he didnt want anyone to get hurt....he even told his boyfriend about it and said that he didnt want to hurt him! So I, of course, thought we were in it for the long haul. He kept trying to break up with his bf, and I patiently waited. We were even talking about moving together and how he would speed things up if we did. Well, that phase is over. Reality has sunk in because it has been 6 months since he started talking about leaving, asking me if i was ready, telling me it would be hard but that we would get through it somehow together. Even today, he told me he loved me and sent me an email saying "do you know i could kiss you forever?"
well, forever won't happen as long as he has anything to do with it. I have wisened up and this forum has helped me tremendously. I dont know where our relationship will go, but ive given up hope that we will be together. SO now I just treat him like a friend ( we were best friends before) and if it bothers him, then fine. It's not my problem anymore.
I wish I could tell you something, but unfortunately all I can offer is letting you know you are not alone and that someone knows exactly what you are going through. been there, done that
Well I wish I could say something positive too you, but I can't really and that is coming from me, a current OW. Read a bit more on these boards, you will see all that you will get from this relationship is heartache and pain at best probably.
What do you think you want out of the R. If all you want is someone to laugh and joke with, the odd bit of intimacy, nothing else meaningful and you can keep your emotions and heart closed down then you might come out unscathed, providing you dont get found out of course.
Are you thinking because of the 3 possibilities he might leave his W. I dont know if anyone else has had this convo, but I have, but I think mine was 4. 1 - he dumps me, i get hurt, 2 - I dump him, he gets hurt, 3 - we finish with each other before emotions get involved, 4 - we get found out, **** hits the fan, everyone, me, him, his W and kids get hurt.
In hindsight I wish we had gone for 3, and although I am still as crazy about him as ever and dont regret being with him, I still wish we had done option 3 at the end of the first month when we deicded whether to finish or continue, because this rollercoaster sucks sometimes.
I think your big mistake was telling him you were not looking for anything serious, lol, if you had said you was looking for a serious relationship and wanted to be married and have 2 children in 2 years, he would probably have run a mile.
I have learnt quite a lot on these boards and I am sure that although his W might not know he is in an affair, her radar is probably working overtime, he is probably acting differently and various other signs that have started to make her think, "mmmm, thats strange, he's never done that before" and eventually will lead her to the ultimate conclusion.
If you decide to continue in this A and become the OW in his life then climb on board the rollercoaster, might not seem bumpy yet but it probably will be, I dont think I've met one OW on here that will say differently, but mind you thats probably why we are here!!!. We are the ones who are looking for a way out, have got out or been thrown out. JIMO.
__________________ A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. - Ingrid Bergman
well, I am the OM and I have to say that these R'S have their own lingo. My guy just told me last week that he was tired of the emotional rollercoaster. Now how many times have you seen the word rollercoaster in this forum? Tons, because although stories are different, these situations follow the same paths and can be universally described. I had no idea that people were listening in on our private conversations! It makes me laugh because now anytime we have a serious talk, I just think of how unoriginal it is and how so many of you have had the same talk using the same words even. I thought our relationship was unique, but it most definitely is not.
this is all very very strange....i wish more people were in the open about it because people fumble blindly through it not knowing that anyone else understands. However, there could be a foolproof handbook...much like the pregnancy ones:
week one:
week two:
and so forth
He is married. Of course it's a dead end. It's just a matter of how deeply you'll get sucked in before you realize it. The longer you stay in the affair, the more attached you will become and the harder it will be to extricate yourself.
He's not going to leave his wife and child. He has a good relationship with his wife and he loves her. He is in the early infatuation/honeymoon phase of an affair. It will pass, and you will be the one who is hurt while he has his wife and child to go back to.
Perhaps... and perhaps I just need to see that for myself. So are you saying it's impossible to think you love someone, and then find yourself falling in love with someone else and wanting to be with them? That never happens? NO WAY am I saying that will happen here of course, but I figured it was worth a mention.
It's only been a month and it's still too hard for me to see things clearly. I still have a lot to learn. That's why I came here... to educate myself on the pattern of these things, to pick up on any signs, typical tricks/promises/lies MM use... it's my only hope to save myself...
I concur that he's on a mega infatuation rush. Come on, I'm almost 18 years younger than him. He must be complimented as hell. So what happens next? How long does the 'honeymoon' last, and how do you know it's going away? Do they start pulling away, or do they keep up the act eternally? On the other hand, how do you know it's not just an insignificant fling?
Also, let's please try not to be biased. I'm sure there are people on here that despise OWs, but I'm just looking for some clearheaded analyses, not a beating. I'm not proud of my situation and wouldn't we all love it if we could control who we developed feelings for. Thanks!
For him, the honeymoon lasts until you start asking him for more of his time, or for more of his attention, or more phone calls, or to spend the night/weekend/holiday/vacation with him, or for anything he can't give you because he is married. Once you start having to "talk" about your relationship, once you start making demands of him, the honeymoon is over.
For you, the honeymoon will last until you are sick and tired of never having him for the weekends or holidays, of having to wait for him to call you or only be able to call him only at certain times and never at home, of having to watch your dinner candles burn down by yourself because he had to cancel an evening together because his wife changed their plans, of not being able to give him gifts because how would he explain it to his wife, of not being able to go out in public because someone might see you, of not being able to go on romantic vacations together, of being tormented of thoughts of him and his wife and child on vacation together, of not being able to spend the night together because he goes home to his wife, of taking second place to his marriage...
Perhaps... and perhaps I just need to see that for myself. So are you saying it's impossible to think you love someone, and then find yourself falling in love with someone else and wanting to be with them? That never happens? NO WAY am I saying that will happen here of course, but I figured it was worth a mention.
Oh, it might happen. Doesn't mean he's going to break up his marriage, his family, his home, his social network, his financial situation, etc. for you. Lots of MM say they fall in love, but then they have a million reasons why they won't leave their wives/families, and the OW has to accept it or break it off. Easier to do break it off sooner.
The statistics I've seen are 3% of affairs end in the MM leaving his wife and staying with the OW for at least 5 years after the divorce.
So are you saying it's impossible to think you love someone, and then find yourself falling in love with someone else and wanting to be with them? That never happens?
I think that this does, happen and often...sometimes people choose to act on it and some people don't...and that's why A's can last for years and some even decades...
What you may be internalizing is "romance" which may be not realistic within this particular realationship.
"HE" is older and perhaps more experienced in the "romance" department as in he knows what to say and do as an experienced romantic lover.
Set your heart aside and value what you like about this experience and expect no LESS than what you have learned and/ or want---
From a SINGLE man.
There is usually no true romance with a married lover. There will probably be no spontaneous outings, no talks over breakfast, no phone immediate phone conversations.
There will be no fun dates, no vacations, etc.
You may not feel so romantic about sitting around and "waiting" for HIM to be free when you are ALWAYS free.
Take some time and consider if a few stolen moments with any one who is attached will make you feel happy and fulfilled?
As an aside: do you feel that you could respect a man who is concentrated on YOUTH? and would toss aside a woman who has dedicated her life to him for nothing but?
Not saying he did, but something to consider in the "romance" department as in is this person so concentrated on the superficial or the reality of what true romance is about?
Only you can decide what is most romantic...
Take care of yourself and think wisely.
Wow, so many responses and so fast! Thanks! Confused, reading that really freaks me out. Probably the worst part has got to be that I can't fast forward and see what he will be doing and saying down the road, so I can see if he's just going to string me along or what... like I said, I am doing my DARNEDEST not to let his sweet talk get to me. To quote a song I always loved by Jane Child, "I don't wanna fall in love/love cuts just like a knife/you make the knife feel good/I'll fight you to the end"
NearlyThere, at times I feel like everything will be alright, that I can be happy with the relationship that we have, it's free, we're attracted to each other and we take pleasure in that... what complicated everything is the stuff he says... his trying to make it seem "special"... I truly think if it gets much worse, like he tells me he loves me or something, it would reach the breaking point. Yes right now we are having fun and even though he likes to do the 'I'm crazy about you' talk and it's all roller-coaster-y there isn't anything concrete. If he said he loved me and didn't take immediate action to leave the W, I think I'd become disgusted very quickly.
For him, the honeymoon lasts until you start asking him for more of his time, or for more of his attention, or more phone calls, or to spend the night/weekend/holiday/vacation with him, or for anything he can't give you because he is married. Once you start having to "talk" about your relationship, once you start making demands of him, the honeymoon is over.
Interesting. That may serve as a useful tactic in the future!
Quote:
For you, the honeymoon will last until you are sick and tired of never having him for the weekends or holidays, of having to wait for him to call you or only be able to call him only at certain times and never at home, of having to watch your dinner candles burn down by yourself because he had to cancel an evening together because his wife changed their plans, of not being able to give him gifts because how would he explain it to his wife, of not being able to go out in public because someone might see you, of not being able to go on romantic vacations together, of being tormented of thoughts of him and his wife and child on vacation together, of not being able to spend the night together because he goes home to his wife, of taking second place to his marriage...
True. I wish there was something I could do to speed up the process but all I can do is sit it out.
I think that this does, happen and often...sometimes people choose to act on it and some people don't...and that's why A's can last for years and some even decades...
Yah I've read about things like that... I can only hope I don't wind up in something like that!!
What you may be internalizing is "romance" which may be not realistic within this particular realationship.
"HE" is older and perhaps more experienced in the "romance" department as in he knows what to say and do as an experienced romantic lover.
Set your heart aside and value what you like about this experience and expect no LESS than what you have learned and/ or want---
From a SINGLE man.
There is usually no true romance with a married lover. There will probably be no spontaneous outings, no talks over breakfast, no phone immediate phone conversations.
There will be no fun dates, no vacations, etc.
You may not feel so romantic about sitting around and "waiting" for HIM to be free when you are ALWAYS free.
Take some time and consider if a few stolen moments with any one who is attached will make you feel happy and fulfilled?
As an aside: do you feel that you could respect a man who is concentrated on YOUTH? and would toss aside a woman who has dedicated her life to him for nothing but?
Not saying he did, but something to consider in the "romance" department as in is this person so concentrated on the superficial or the reality of what true romance is about?
Only you can decide what is most romantic...
Take care of yourself and think wisely.
Yes, I realize this. I would imagine that I would get sick of it relatively quickly. Just to say though -- not that it makes much a difference but -- we do go out... it's not a situation where we are constantly hiding.
TBH he didn't really start showing any interest until he became impressed with something I wrote -- I don't get the impression that he is very superficial.
As for tossing out anyone -- perhaps that is not admirable, but then is it admirable to hypothetically stay with someone you've stopped being in love with?
As for tossing out anyone -- perhaps that is not admirable, but then is it admirable to hypothetically stay with someone you've stopped being in love with?
You mean his wife, right? How do you know he doesn't love his wife? Has he told you this?
Don't confuse lust and sexual desire for him being inlove with you. Right now things are intense and you two have lust and passion going on. That may mimick feelings of love, but don't fool yourself into thinking he's inlove... If his wife ever finds out, he'll more than likely drop you so fast and deny ANY of what he has said to you, feelings wise...He'll make it seem like you came on to him.
Someone mentioned reading more threads in this section, so you can see what you're up for in the future if you choose to continue having an affair with him...Another area to check out and read is the infidelity section. In that section you can read about betrayed spouses, about their pain after finding out their spouse has cheated on them. His wife may not 'be real' to you right now, but she DOES exist and is very real. So are his kids...Keep that in mind when you're with him. You are helping him cheat on his wife, and betray his whole family. Sorry to be harsh, but you need to look outside the box.
If you do choose to stay with this married guy, be prepared to face the heat, suffer the consquences of your part in this affair.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
New OW...so glad I found this place
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