[Stevearino]

Well its going on 6 mos. now since my wife told me that "I Love You, But I don't Love You Anymore" statement came out of her. She stopped everything sex, good morning and evening kisses, saying "I Love You", touching, and everything else that goes into a relationship. I enrolled us both in counseling then stopped since she was not participating. She would show up but would not talk. Then I saw a purchase on a credit card for broadway tickets for an evening in NYC. It turns out it was for her and her girlfriend. She wouldnt be truthful and upfront with me on where she was going until i confronted her on it and she got all pissed off for me going into her CC statements. This GF she spends hours a day on the phone with constantly emailing her from the computer, went away on a weekend with her, spend nights over at her house until the wee hours of the morning after putting our kids to bed, along with everything else that made it look as though they were dating or something. I have this very strong gut feeling she is having an affair with the gf. But I can't get her to break down and tell me the truth. She wants a divorce and doesn't want it to be a messy one and neither do I. I don't want a divorce at all but if my gut feeling is what it is then I can't trust her and she has gone ahead and broken our sacred vows of marriage. Which I have been standing by thru this whole situation. Any thoughts on how to confront her on this and get her to tell me the truth?

Thanks, Steve

[Ladyjane14]

Steve, if you honestly believe that your wife is involved in a homosexual affair... why do you want to stay married to her?
If she's gay... she's gay. That makes her an unsuitable candidate for heterosexual marriage in terms that are going to be meaningful to you.

I still think there's a possibility that she's gone middle-aged crazy and is acting out on resentments and perceived controls. But if that's not the case, you don't have a whole lot to work with here.

In either event, introducing some REALITY into the situation is probably going to be your best bet. Visualize what YOU would want in a divorce scenario, imagine your life five years from now... then see an attorney and start making it happen. Disregard what suits HER, and start suiting yourself. THAT's the reality of divorce.. when you look at your STBX and say, "Hey, we're not partner's anymore and I've got to start looking out for myself now."

Nothing like good old Mr. Reality to put things in perspective. So, you don't have to be a dick about it, all you have to do is be REAL. In fact, I think you should be as pleasant about it as possible. If you get a divorce, things are going to be different. You're going to be looking out for you and your kids. She won't be an integral part of your little family anymore.

Giving her a peek through the window of divorce gives her an opportunity to back-peddle if that's not truly how she wants it to be.

[Stevearino]

I got her to admit she was having an affair with the gf. She apologized and I even got an apology letter from the gf. They both say nothing happened sexually, but both are very adamantly against me telling the people in town. Well I am in therapy to help me deal with this I have been very numb ever since I found out. Its a feeling that i dont wish upon my worst enemy. I'll deal with this the best I can the toughest part is seeing her everyday. I cant look her in the eyes nor can i treat her with the same respect anymore. Any words of wisdom here for me?

[RichC]

I would go with LadyJane. If she is going some kind of mid-life thing give her a vision of diviorce. But if you do you cannot just use it as a threat. You have to be willing to carry it though. You can start by working with the therapist to get yourself straight. Of course your kids are number one and possibly you might think about sole custody. I don't believe the part about not physical. No way. I would get with a divorce attorney.

If it "wasn't physical", then what was she admitting to and how was it an "affair"? Sorry I'm confused.

[wife_left_me]

Steve,
Sorry to hear your troubles but unfourtunatly I can relate. Here is my thread, it is very close to yours.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115287/

Hang in there and start taking care of yourself. It took me a long time to realize that whether it is a man or woman when you wife starts loving someone else it is over not matter what you do. You cannot make your wife love you more than her gf and she has made her choice which is very hard to swallow. I used to think we could work things out but when you think about the situation what she has done is unforgivable. Find yourself a woman who will love you for who your are, it is not too late. I started dating again and I feel a million times better! You can do it too.