I would have sworn to anyone there would be NC again...
I have repeatedly checked LS to see what contact, if any, xOW have had with their xMM...never did I imagine I would be one of those xOW. I truly thought it was the end of contact due to the measures I had taken to virtually erase myself.
Some know my story, some don't. I've been on LS for over a year now...previously under another name. The stronger I became, the more I wanted to shed the previous user name I had because it just didn't fit the person I was becoming and am now. I advocate getting out of any triangular relationship no matter what you have to do to get it done.
Short story is typical...
Met MM, friends for two years, EA that progressed to PA which progressed to several periods of NC with one huge D-Day in the middle of it all where xMM"s wife threatened to kill my child. She went so far as to say she had the address of my child's school and knew exactly where and when to find her...she had all the phone records, credit cards, letters, everything... even the letters he wrote to me that he drafted and kept. They separated for the third time in their 10 year marriage. They have been in marriage counseling repeatedly and I am very certain that I am in a long list of many other OW in their marriage. She even said so..."you certainly aren't the first and very probably won't be the last". She was aware of over a handful of other encounters with women but passed them off as meaningless one-night-stands. She said this was "different" because she knew he loved me. His letters to me said it all and while he adamantly denied any sexual relationship with me, he did admit loving me. He foolishly thought her knowing we had sex would do more damage than her knowing he loved me.
They reunited for the fourth time for the kids, the money, the house, you name it (his stated reasons)... the truth is they reunited because they simply wanted to. He contacted me several times while I was still in the same town. I knew that I had to remove myself physically in order to ever heal emotionally. So, I moved two states away and changed my home and cell number. They are obviously unlisted and we have had NC. I've been in, and continue to be in, individual counseling, group counseling, support groups and have surrounded myself with strong accountability. All these reinforcements have helped me gain health and I'm still on that road. The biggest part of my recovery has been coming to grips with and admitting the fact that the intimacy issues I possess are what led me to get involved in something that was doomed from the start.
Fast forward six months since moving away and I'm at a girlfriends house on Sunday night... I'm going back and forth on my cell phone between my daughter and my strongest accountability friend...the one that has walked through every mile of this ****e storm with me... I got the umpteenth call while I was on the phone with my friend and thinking it was my daughter, I didn't even check the incoming number...it was him. At first I thought it was a joint call from him and his wife and braced myself...I kept waiting...she wasn't there. I checked the number. He called me from the same cell phone he always had. I had a thousand questions running through my mind at once, mainly, how on earth did he get my new cell number.
I admit, I wanted to hear what he had to say to me. In hindsight I wish that I had hung up, not heatedly, but with as much class as when I left to begin with. What he wanted to tell me was that he loved me, that there wasn't an hour that passed that he did not think of me and my daughter and that he missed me terribly. He wanted me to know that there wasn't anything in the world he wouldn't do for me.
I listened and listened...asking some questions but mostly just listening. I kept thinking, how can this man be calling me on a Sunday night from his cell phone at home? Has he lost his mind? Apparently things have calmed down and her suspicions are now assuaged enough for him to return to past behavior... He said that he is currently seeing his pastor for help with his marriage, he is towing every line she sets and he has given up most of his free time... He said he would be there until he dies even though he and his wife believe I have stolen a part of him she'll never get back. I guess none of his other OW had anything to do with the health of their marriage either.
His main message was this...I love you, I'll never forget you, I think about you night and day, I know we would've been perfect together...but please, go on with your life and I hope you find happiness.
Here's the rub...why would you tell a person that moved to another state, changed all their numbers and hadn't talked to you in months to go on with your life? Something just doesn't fit.
I think he knows what he's supposed to say to sound noble...go on with your life, be happy, forget about all the dreams and promises we had, but what kills him is that he knows I'M GONE.
He will find someone else and he and his wife will do this dance again and again...one of his favorite things to say to her is "love is a choice and trusting is a choice"... she acquiesces every single time. He has never told her the truth about anything and has told me that he does it to "protect" her. She has threatened suicide, taking his kids, you name it. He has learned though and knows fully that she will allow him to stay every single time... he knows he will have to go through a period of penance and remorse and then he goes right back to treating her like she's lower than trash. A friend of mine saw her with him the other day and said the look on her face was that of a woman gloating over what she got to keep... Yep, she got the grand prize.
I have dodged a mighty bullet and while I am filled with regret for my own actions, I am also so proud of how hard I've worked to get away from him and never become involved in something like that again. I was one sick sister but am getting stronger every day. I'm worth so much more than all that crap.
I find it interesting that he has returned to you, the xOW after all this time.
Seems awfully risky for him. But, so typical of the confused MM.
Mine has done the same thing. After ONE year of not seeing me, he, until I put the final, final nail in the coffin, continued to do the same things to me.
We are both better off without him. Yet, still, these MM risk it all AGAIN, by contacting us. Every time they contact, they take a chance that they are going to be caught again.
Interesting to say the least. \
If I cared enough, they would make an interesting study....
__________________ You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -Eleanor Roosevelt -
It is a risk... one they're arrogant enough to take. It turns my stomach to hear how he's staying for the "right" reasons only to stand witness to the overwhelming disrespect he still has for his wife. I wonder if that phone call would have been okay with her? Right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freedom Now
Ah, the serial cheater.
I find it interesting that he has returned to you, the xOW after all this time.
Seems awfully risky for him. But, so typical of the confused MM.
Mine has done the same thing. After ONE year of not seeing me, he, until I put the final, final nail in the coffin, continued to do the same things to me.
We are both better off without him. Yet, still, these MM risk it all AGAIN, by contacting us. Every time they contact, they take a chance that they are going to be caught again.
Interesting to say the least. \
If I cared enough, they would make an interesting study....
It is a risk... one they're arrogant enough to take. It turns my stomach to hear how he's staying for the "right" reasons only to stand witness to the overwhelming disrespect he still has for his wife. I wonder if that phone call would have been okay with her? Right.
Overwhelming disrespect is exactly what he is showing his wife. I am quite certain that she would be less than overjoyed to know that he has called you, the woman who has directly threatened their marriage all that time ago.
How in the world can a marriage survive with this kind of disrespect?
I say it again: I hope he enjoys his dysfunctional marriage.
And as for you: good for you for seeing things as they really are. For you, at least, the "fog" has cleared.
His main message was this...I love you, I'll never forget you, I think about you night and day, I know we would've been perfect together...but please, go on with your life and I hope you find happiness.
Here's the rub...why would you tell a person that moved to another state, changed all their numbers and hadn't talked to you in months to go on with your life? Something just doesn't fit.
HE needed to have last word. Clear HIS conscience. Also, he wanted to feel out the situation, to see if you hated him. Now he can get on with his life...Just sucks that he had to interrupt your life to do that.
Seems if he loved his wife, kids and marriage so much he'd be happy enough to have moved on with his own life. What will be the reasoning should he contact me again?
Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup
HE needed to have last word. Clear HIS conscience. Also, he wanted to feel out the situation, to see if you hated him. Now he can get on with his life...Just sucks that he had to interrupt your life to do that.
C2 - You ROCK! Even though I don't know you, I am so proud of everything you have done, and continue to do.
How sad that he will never gain any inner enlightment, personal strength, all the things you have worked so hard for.
How absolutely creepy that he got your cell phone #. Even creepier to give you the "go-ahead" to get on with your life. How nice and noble of him, as you said. Gee....thanks!
The arrogance of these men never ceases to amaze me.
Thank you BTDT ...Its been really hard but the alternative was just too painful an option for me. I could NEVER have gotten through this without accountability. I literally would have crumbled.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BenThereDunThat
C2 - You ROCK! Even though I don't know you, I am so proud of everything you have done, and continue to do.
How sad that he will never gain any inner enlightment, personal strength, all the things you have worked so hard for.
How absolutely creepy that he got your cell phone #. Even creepier to give you the "go-ahead" to get on with your life. How nice and noble of him, as you said. Gee....thanks!
The arrogance of these men never ceases to amaze me.
And stupid. Wonder what's gonna happen when she gets the cell phone bill.
Hope he can explain WHY he called you with no prior contact from you. It's not like he can say that you were harrassing him so he called you to tell you to leave him alone.
That will be interesting. I will respect her if she contacts me again but I will no longer sit on the truth if he has continued to lie. My prayer for both she and I is that she will not call...that she will know the person that stole something from her is standing right next to her...not two states away from her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freedom Now
Agreed with everyone else.
He is a scumbag.
And stupid. Wonder what's gonna happen when she gets the cell phone bill.
Hope he can explain WHY he called you with no prior contact from you. It's not like he can say that you were harrassing him so he called you to tell you to leave him alone.
Accountability takes HUGE strength all by itself. Something I need to work on myself. I've been putting off going into the 'deep end' to try and figure all that out and I applaud anyone who does.
...that she will know the person that stole something from her is standing right next to her...
Very very profound...I am using all of the strength I gather from this site to find a way to follow in the footsteps of those before me...walk away, not without regret, but with (some semblance) of dignity and knowing I didn't "steal" something that wasn't there for the taking, but we all make stupid choices in life and I should have been able to resist the temptation.
Don't live in "should've"... You are walking out your humanity. Every single thing you've gone through can be used to lead you to a healthier relationship. I don't want to be with a liar and I know I'm worth more than that...it was the getting away from it that was crucial and it took a long time. I think every step has to hurt so that you'll remember why you don't want to make that choice for yourself again...I don't know. Self condemnation is not the answer in my opinion. Don't allow yourself to beat you up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kenzo
Very very profound...I am using all of the strength I gather from this site to find a way to follow in the footsteps of those before me...walk away, not without regret, but with (some semblance) of dignity and knowing I didn't "steal" something that wasn't there for the taking, but we all make stupid choices in life and I should have been able to resist the temptation.
The difficulties of life are intended to make you better, not bitter.
Take your experiences, grow from them, and become a better person.
I never thought that I would recover from the betrayal of my xMM (he lied about being married amongst probably a multitude of other things). Yet, in spite of it all, I left with my dignity intact. The very last words he said to me were of utter respect and incredulousness. And make no mistake: he deserved no grace from me. But I needed FOR MYSELF to exit this situation with grace and class. And I believe I accomplished that.
My point is this: having come through the fire, I feel that I am a better, stronger, more vibrant version of myself.
Every black cloud does have a silver lining.
You must find the silver lining, Kenzo.
Peace to you, my friend.
Last edited by Freedom Now; 13th March 2007 at 11:44 PM..
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