I am a 21 year old female. Last June, I began a relationship with a 25 year old man named David who is a wonderful person, but had a bad background. His parents and entire extended family was into drugs and alcohol, and though he is very smart, he grew up being told that he probably wouldn't be able to do much with his life. He struggled with drugs before I met him, but by the time we got together, he had been without drugs (besides marijuana) for a couple of years. He still drank heavily.
He has had a lot of traumatic experiences in his childhood and past, and developed a lot of trust issues because of it. However, I was able to break through those barriers and we came to love and care about each other very deeply. He shared stories and experiences and feelings with me that he had never shared with anyone before. We trusted each other completely, and just enjoyed the companionship that we got from each other. He was a very hurt and anger-filled person when I met him, but he was improving so much because of me.
Last weekend, we all went out to the bar - me, him, and a bunch of friends. I have struggled with alcoholism for awhile (although he hasn't been around when I've had outbursts or anything.) At the bar, I ended up having way too much vodka. WAY too much. He knew I was drunk, but not that drunk. He had to work in the morning, and he left with a friend of ours to go home. We kissed each other goodbye, said we loved each other, etc. He left. I was completely wasted because of the vodka. I was blacking in and out. I had no idea what was going on. I got into a fight with a friend of mine, and I ended up drunkenly getting in my car and speeding off. I don't know why, but the only thought of mine was that I needed to go to David's house, and that he would make it better. I ended up hitting something on the way there and blew out both my right tires and busting up my bumper. I was so drunk that at that point, I drove TWENTY more minutes to David's house, completely destroying the tires and the rims of the car.
When I got to David's house, I banged on his window, and he came out, not knowing what was going on. I started babbling incoherently about things, and he got exasperated because he knew that I had driven drunk and he was upset with me. I was so drunk that I ended up hitting him in the face. He went crazy and pushed me away and told me that he was through with me, and went in the house. I was completely shocked and humiliated. How could I have done such a thing?
David won't speak to me. He tells friends that I have broken his trust, and he can never be with me again. I am devastated. I know that I struggle with the alcoholism, and I have vowed never to drink again. I am going to AA meetings and even seeing a therapist. I am absolutely determined to NEVER let this happen again, and to try to help prevent it from happening to others. I have learned my lesson completely. But he won't hear any of it. He won't even let me talk. I know that I've completely let him down - he had trust issues to begin with, and I completely let him down. But this is the man that was so excited about getting an apartment with me (we planned on moving in together in the next month.) We discussed marriage and everything. We were so excited about starting a life together. And then I made one mistake, and it seems like all the good things in my life have slipped out of my grasp. He says he can never trust me again. I know he still loves me, though. My friends all say that they believe in the two of us and how much we love each other.
I just want his trust back. I love this man more than anything else in the world, and nothing would make me happier than to live with him and be his wife and spend the rest of my life with him. I am working to create a positive lifestyle for myself that does not involve alcohol. I just miss my baby. What can I do to regain his trust?
Last edited by PinkWind; 2nd March 2007 at 6:23 PM..
Let's see now, you get drunk in a bar.. to the point of "blacking in and out". Decide to go "speeding off" and drive your car while "blacking in and out" and hit "something". Hopefully it wasn't a person eh? Then continue driving a car missing two tires, (now completely uncontrollable).
When you get to his house you bang on the window (awaking him, work remember?), argue with him, physically assault him... and he reacts by ending it with you.
How could he do such a thing? After all it was only booze, no one was killed (that you know of) and you "love" him.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 3rd March 2007 at 12:30 PM..
Reason: Personal attacks agianst OP
You don't just freak out on someone like this and then say, "oops i'm sorry, forget that happened, let's just continue what he had". You seem very immature, and your love is entirely selfish. All you seem to care about is how YOU feel. What about considering how your behavior made HIM feel, especially given his past? This guy is not going to trust you again anytime soon, and there is a high probability that you have blown it completely. I am guessing that this incident was not the first insight this guy had into your bad behavior. You do not seem ready for a serious relationship right now. Work on your own issues first. Pressuring this guy when you are in this state will only lead to further heartbreak for you.
You don't just freak out on someone like this and then say, "oops i'm sorry, forget that happened, let's just continue what he had". You seem very immature, and your love is entirely selfish. All you seem to care about is how YOU feel. What about considering how your behavior made HIM feel, especially given his past? This guy is not going to trust you again anytime soon, and there is a high probability that you have blown it completely. I am guessing that this incident was not the first insight this guy had into your bad behavior. You do not seem ready for a serious relationship right now. Work on your own issues first. Pressuring this guy when you are in this state will only lead to further heartbreak for you.
It was a completely isolated incident, actually. We were a very happy and loving couple. (Not to mention most of the time it was me who was holding his head up while he was sick after a drunken night, and me who sat quietly and waited patiently when he would have outbursts.)
I do care about his feelings more than anything. I know that he's hurting worse than I am right now. I'm the one going to rehab and seeing the therapist, not him... but he needs it too. All he is doing right now is struggling internally with these issues. Now that I've broken his trust, it's probably going to be a long time before he opens up to ANYONE again, and I regret that completely. I would give my world to be able to change that for him so that he is not hurting now.
Last edited by PinkWind; 3rd March 2007 at 3:07 PM..
It's good that you're in rehab and you are getting the help you need (horrific story that fortunately didn't end in you killing some child or maiming yourself or another person). Thing is you both need help and since you both struggle with similar problems your relationship may end up being co-dependant and self destructive to you both.
He's rightly having doubts as to how good you both are for each other and maybe you should accept that you have travelled as far along the road as you can...
__________________
"Never think you've seen the last of anything" Eudora Welty:
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
