One of the recent posts in the Men Don't Need Marriage thread made me think about this. Hopefully this doesn't come out wrong.
It seems like there are a lot of people here who are unfulfilled in their marriages and a lot of talk about sexless marriage.
When people talk about the pressures of marriage destroying their intimacy over the years, to me it seems like the biggest pressure would actually be the children. Mortgages, cars, etc. all seem very minor unless you have kids. Once you have kids, you need a bigger house, a bigger car, and you have to pay for everything necessary to raise kids. You have to work more and make more money just to get by.
You hardly get any alone time with your spouse. When you do have free time, the kids are there, so you have to find a babysitter to get any alone time. Spontaneity and romance are almost impossible. Often you end up neglecting your spouse to take care of the kids.
So my question is do you think if you hadn't had kids that your relationship with your spouse would be better than it is now?
Do you think that having kids ruins the intimacy? Has it actually improved it for anyone?
__________________ "It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not."
It makes me feel more tied to him emotionally and financially that we have children together.
But it makes it very difficult to have moments alone, for conversation or sex. We can't say more than a sentence to one another without being interrupted.
People with money have it a bit better because they can hire sitters and/or vacation without their kids.
It also helps if you have family in town to take off some of the burden of childcare.
Now there is an easy question: YES kids have ruined our intimacy!!!
Since having kids, several changes have occurred in my household and with my wife. The time demands of raising kids has made our days much shorter (they get up around 7am, goto sleep after 9pm) so there simply is not as much time to even TRY for intimacy. When not actually busy doing something with or for the kids, they are usually someplace nearby, ready to intrude (logistically preventing any really spontaneous sex).
The biggest change however has been with my wife: she went from being a sexy wife to being a MOM. This is not just my external perception, its more her willing adoption of this role. She is constantly focused on what the kids are doing, what they will need, what they might want, playdates, birthdays, etc. The MOM job really has CONSUMED her mentally and physically. By the end of the day, her energies and affections are pretty much depleted. She often refers to herself as being totally used up.
Now aside from the obvious problem of her not WANTING to be intimate (she's all used-up remember) there is an extra problem here: she is so busing caring for kids that she does not take care of herself! So after giving birth, she stopped going to the gym, stopped eating healthy, gained 35 or more pounds, and wears mostly sweats or baggy clothes.
Lets see: no time, kids always underfoot, wife used up, wife not even LOOKING all that sexy to me...
Things are getting a bit better since I recognized that SHE NEEDS HELP. So we are paying alot of $$ for daycare whenever we can so she gets regular breaks from the kids. Its working, a bit, slowly. Stay tuned.
I do think in families where the parents maintain stricter boundaries with their kids, have earlier bedtimes for them, etc. this is probably less of a problem.
It makes me wonder whether there is something to be said for the old days when our parents were kids. Not for the kids. But for the parents.
Ofcourse kids get in the way, but honestly, it's up to parents to keep the flame alive and MAKE the effort to keep intimacy happening. Make special time together. As long as the desire is there and efforts are being made, I think blaming the kids for affection/intimacy disappearing in a marriage is an excuse.
Also, involving family, inlaws, aunts/uncles to take the kids for a sleepover on weekends, or use a babysitter afew times a week just to get out for afew hours makes a huge difference.
I do think in families where the parents maintain stricter boundaries with their kids, have earlier bedtimes for them, etc. this is probably less of a problem.
It makes me wonder whether there is something to be said for the old days when our parents were kids. Not for the kids. But for the parents.
It's not just the old days.
We don't let our child interrupt us when we're talking. We have set times that we spend together and he's not allowed to interrupt.
Yes, when our son was younger it did interfere with our sex life. Now, not really. Sure we can't be as spontaneous as before but we can still usually set aside time to be alone when we want/need to.
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Time to repress another memory.
Ofcourse kids get in the way, but honestly, it's up to parents to keep the flame alive and MAKE the effort to keep intimacy happening. Make special time together. As long as the desire is there and efforts are being made, I think blaming the kids for affection/intimacy disappearing in a marriage is an excuse.
I fully Agree with WWIU.. When I was married I or we always made sure to keep the intimacy alive.. even if it meant to go have sex in a closet for a quickie while the child was downstairs playing..
You would be surprised how a 5-10 min quickie makes you closer.. it also is a starter to the time you will spend together after the kid goes to bed...
A good babysitting support system is the best help.. and in the summer time family are the best to have around..
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~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
I can't help but thinking my post(s) in the above mentioned thread might have led you to this thread.
I just wanted to say, that in my situation, it is as many have already stated above. The kids have made it more of a challenge, but they are not the reason my M is in a rut. My H and I have allowed/caused the rut, and I can't help but think that it probably would have happened, kids or no. That's why I'm so confused with what/where/how I should proceed with this relationship...
Anyway, that's just what happened in my situation. For others, I'm sure it may be different.
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