Hello all, I have a dilemma. A very huge dilemma to be exact, it's regarding my fiance's sexual past and current friends. My fiance has told me she has participated in group sex with her last boyfriend of 4 years, this supposedly took place with her best friend and her fiance. I asked her and I'm assuming everything from swapping partners to her being intimate with her female friend occured. I don't know exactly what she did with her girlfriend, and I would rather not know the specific details but she told me she did things. I believe she had sex with both her bf and her friends fiance within the same night during that same session.
Now, the problem is she is still friends with this girl. This couple lives 2 hours away from us, the first time I met them I didn't know about this situation. We were up there visiting her father and we hung out with them, shortly afterward she had told me what she had done 3 years ago with these people. To say the least, knowing such a thing has torn me up from the inside out to have hung out with these people shes been sexually active with. She had told me it was only a one night thing, and she was curious and experimenting at the time; which is why she did it. Now, we just got back from visiting her dad. She wanted to see her friend again, and of course her fiance was there was well. I had to endure a few hours of spending time with these people, is it just me or is it absolutely messed up to know that my fiance was sexualyl active with not just me but both of them as well -- and there I was hanging out with them, it was so uncomfortable and unnerving; I had told her how uncomfortable it was and I don't want to hangout with them anymore. She told me shes not going to stop seeing one of her best friends because of this reason.. and I'm not going to be the one to force her to stop, wouldnt that be controlling?
I don't know what to do, I'm marrying this woman and we also have a baby on the way which is due in 8 months. I can't just pick up and leave her because of this, she told me she woudl never do anything like that again and that happened 3 years ago and all she wants is me. Besides that, our relationship is incredible; she says she loves me all the time, im all she wants and I offer her more sexual satisfaction than ever (I can make her orgasm multiple times, where-as it was very rare before)
I just can't get this sickening image out of my head and I don't know what do do! Please help me.. I love this woman with all my heart, she hasn't done anything for me not to trust her, she even confided in telling me these personal things (sometimes I wish she hadn't).. I just feel very insecure and unsure about it, it wouldn't bother me as much if she didnt still spend time with these people. but she does every few months when we go up to visit her dad (who lives in the same city 2 hrs away).. Sitting with the two of them and my fiance was so uncomfortable and I felt so much rage. I dont know what to do, I cant stop her from seeing them.. Please some advice..
Last edited by Super89Rex; 26th February 2007 at 12:35 PM..
Please, does anyone have any advice to offer? Should I confront her and make her choose between hanging out with them and me? Or tell her I never want her to hangout with this guy (It doesnt bother me as much her with her girl friend) ? I hate it that she is even in the presence of this guy, to me they are sick indivuduals and I can't help but get this visual in my head. When we hungout it was completely non-sexual, but everytime he looked and talked to my fiance even about random things it almost infuriated me; I was very rude and I didn't talk to them much because of what I know.
Super89Rex- there have been many threads on this topic, and I have offered the same advice on all of them.
there are other LSers who feel differently, i hpe some of them post on here so you can see a variety of opinions.
I appreciate you may be feeling bad about it, but here goes
What matters is
A) she trusts you enough to tell you
B) its in the past
C) she said it won't happen again
D) its in the past
E) she is marrying you and having your child
F) its in the past.
Everyone deserves a chance to admit and learn from their past actions without persecution.
Since you weren't together when it happened, its not as relevant as you think.
If you dwell on it too much (like my ex did) it could potentially ruin your relationship.
Super89Rex- there have been many threads on this topic, and I have offered the same advice on all of them.
there are other LSers who feel differently, i hpe some of them post on here so you can see a variety of opinions.
I appreciate you may be feeling bad about it, but here goes
What matters is
A) she trusts you enough to tell you
B) its in the past
C) she said it won't happen again
D) its in the past
E) she is marrying you and having your child
F) its in the past.
Everyone deserves a chance to admit and learn from their past actions without persecution.
Since you weren't together when it happened, its not as relevant as you think.
If you dwell on it too much (like my ex did) it could potentially ruin your relationship.
are you f'ing kidding me? it wouldn't be relevant if she hadn't brought it up. but she went ahead and made it relevant by introducing him to information that he neither needed nor wanted to know. now he's left alone to deal with the fallout from her mistakes (both the action and the revelation) while she gets to play the moral highground card of "well if you really loved me this wouldn't matter".
listen up women, i don't care how liberated, hip, or understanding you think your man is do not burden him with this type of information. all it does is mess with his head. your sexual indescretions are your own keep them that way.
second, it's not in the past, they see the participants every few months and he is going to have to either learn to function or explain to his wife why he doesn't want to hang out with her skanky best friend.
if it were me, i would luanch her. she has shown you that she doesn't really respect him by asking him to accept what most men would find unacceptable in marriage material. not only that she is expecting him to engage in social activities with the people central to her indescretion. essentially she is asking him to pay for her mistakes by laying this on him. now he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn;t. if he wakes up and realizes he can't deal with this then he's not a good man becuase he doesn't fully accept her (to him) unacceptable actions. if he sticks then he is going to be routinely put into social situations where he cannot be comfortable becuase of incidents he neither needed nor wanted to know about.
women, wake up, you wanted sexual freedom, well you got it. now it's time to learn that with freedom comes responsibility. your mistakes are your own, do not lay them on your SO's who had nothing to do with them. Unless you are protecting them from a disease, then it is just selfish and does nothing but put undue stress on your SO
Whoa.
Big can of worms anyone??? Do I smell bacon??
Mockery you have some valid points.
But if everybody got LYNCHED for their PREVIOUS actions, then alot of relationships would end RIGHT THIS SECOND.
OK, I concede its NOT totally irrelevant.
And I can understand why seeing the other guy makes him feel uncomfortable- by the way OP- you do have a right to tellyour fiancee this. I think that if she wants you to deal with the info she has given you then she should be willing to compromise.
MY BF and I agreed that anything that happened the day before we met WOULD NOT AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP. And yes, we both got tested first.
but I have nothing to hide and would tell him anything now, he is my soulmate and he WOULD loveme anyway.
Whoa.
PREVIOUS actions, then alot of relationships would end RIGHT THIS SECOND.
true, hence the idea that discretion is probably not a bad thing, especially dealing with sensitive issues. people need to really think through the ramifications of divulging indiscretions like that, not becuase having indiscretions in your past is a bad thing, but because information with that level of emotional content will always have an impact on those to whom it is revealed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sb129
MY BF and I agreed that anything that happened the day before we met WOULD NOT AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP. And yes, we both got tested first.
but I have nothing to hide and would tell him anything now, he is my soulmate and he WOULD loveme anyway.
you love him. so then i ask you a simple question. would you tell him about any indiscretions that might make him insanlely jealous or otherwise have a stong negative emotional impact? if you would then why? why would you want someone who loves you (and yes the OP probably still very much loves his fiancee despite this difficulty) to have to deal with that?
So what am I to do? Should I just keep my mouth shut and sit there with them when they hangout with this hanging over my head. Or should I not hangout when them? Im thinking of just telling her how uncomfortable it makes me her spending time with them (esp. him) and tell her Im not going to be involved with them?? I hate the position I've been put into, Im thankful we don't have to see them often but this situation is seriously warped and I feel like I'm trapped in a corner. Either A) I tell her I hate her hanging out with them and she continues, which will make me feel awful still. hopefully she can pick up on how much it bothers me and choose me and our future, or B) Leave her which isn't much of an option because it doesn't seem valid considering we're getting married, and having a child together and I do love this woman so much; and besides this situation, she does treat me very good, loves me more than anyone ever has.. HelP!!!
you love him. so then i ask you a simple question. would you tell him about any indiscretions that might make him insanlely jealous or otherwise have a stong negative emotional impact? if you would then why? why would you want someone who loves you (and yes the OP probably still very much loves his fiancee despite this difficulty) to have to deal with that?
No I wouldn't tell him. I DO love him, and anything that happened in past relationships before I met him doesn't matter anymore. If I thought it would hurt him I wouldn't volunteer the information. But if he asked me.... I don't know what I would do. We agreed not to ask eachother questions that we didn't think we could handle the answers to. But he makes me feel so secure and loved I guess in time maybe finding out stuff might not be such a big deal.
My last BF pestered me until I DID tell him answers to questions he had issues with, (which HE brought up) and then he used the answers to criticise me and bring me down every opportunity he could, so the subject is a little bit senstive and emotional for me.
So what am I to do? Should I just keep my mouth shut and sit there with them when they hangout with this hanging over my head. Or should I not hangout when them? Im thinking of just telling her how uncomfortable it makes me her spending time with them (esp. him) and tell her Im not going to be involved with them?? I hate the position I've been put into, Im thankful we don't have to see them often but this situation is seriously warped and I feel like I'm trapped in a corner. Either A) I tell her I hate her hanging out with them and she continues, which will make me feel awful still. hopefully she can pick up on how much it bothers me and choose me and our future, or B) Leave her which isn't much of an option because it doesn't seem valid considering we're getting married, and having a child together and I do love this woman so much; and besides this situation, she does treat me very good, loves me more than anyone ever has.. HelP!!!
honestly, at this point the only thing you can do is give it some time. you might be past it in 6 months and it will be a moot issue. you also might want to try some councelling to get a handle on this so that you can learn to control your emotions when you do have to deal with these people rather than letting your emotions control you.
I wouldn't put it to the ultimatum point at this time. Give it time, seek some councelling and then revevaluate.
I wonder if you can give any good advice on how to relate on such matters? I have the same sort of problems. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months and his past sexual experiences and more still bother me So Rex, I know what you mean! With his previous girlfriend (who he's still married to, but were never in a real marriage!!) used to have very violent sort of sex, and it freaks me out at times, though I'm definately no prude myself...Also I know that he cheated on his first girlfriend of 8 years!
At times, it gets very upsetting! Any advice? Thanks Rex, for opening the conversation, I hope I can steal some of the advice you get
I guess my advice is- don't always tar people with the same brush. Some people on LS would say once a cheater always a cheater but I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance, and that some people bring out better (or worse) qualities in their lovers than other people.
My exBf (the one I mentioned) had major insecurity issues with the fact that I had slept with more people than him. Thats it. Nothing dodgy, no orgies, threesomes, violent sex or anything. He never got over that. But it was how he used it to make me feel like a bad person that was bad.
I think I would have had more respect for him if he had said something like "I don't really approve of your past, but we are different people and I respect that happened before you met me." He also never really understood the reasons WHY I had slept with more people- I was insecure too. But instead of seeing that he just used it against me to make me even more insecure, and then would accuse me of wanting to sleep with other people- which in tunr led to us not bringing out the bestin eachother and ultimately breakingup. (very simplified version- HE was aMM when we first got together).
My current BF however, is amazing. We click, we bring out the best in eachother, we don't overanalyse eachothers pasts, everything is so great now. We agreed not to talk about stuff... BUT... he is such a great guy and my soulmate, that if he DID feel the need to tell me something, I think i would acknowledge it, ask that it not happen again, and move on.
Because our relationship and future is more important to me than his past.
I don't know if I am helping here. I seem to be rambling on about my situation rather than trying to help yours.
Hmm, well I'm not sure what to do. You would think since she loves me so much and cares about us and our future, she would not hangout with them because she knows it bothers me so much and out of respect;
I would not want to hangout with someone I have slept with let alone bring her along because I know it would hurt her and thats the last thing I would want to do. I would do anything for her, and if that meant not hanging out with ppl so she didn't get hurt I would do it.. I just want the same in return....
Wow its amazing to see the two very different opinions you are getting. I seem to agree with sb129 advice. It seems to come down to the fact is that you love and trust her it really wouldn't matter what happened in the past. I mean the fact that she told you what happened is great trust on her part. and if you trust her when she says that you are all she wants that's all that matters.
I mean she is marring you, you win. You have her, and worrying about what has happened, when you cannot control what she is going to do in future seems like a mute point. So all you can and should do is trust her.
Super89Rex
Were you a Virgin when you met your Fiance? She she hold your passed against you? Grow up, it is in the past. She told you. I would take that to mean she put a lot of faith in you. Would have rather found out a few years down the road from someone else? if you are having a hard time with this now Maybe the two of you need to get some professional advice.
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So Rex, I know what you mean! With his previous girlfriend (who he's still married to, but were never in a real marriage!!) used to have very violent sort of sex, and it freaks me out at times, though I'm definately no prude myself...Also I know that he cheated on his first girlfriend of 8 years! 
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