It's been 6 months since the breakup with my ex, and for the most part, I've been able to work through the pain/anger/depression as time went by. I stay busy, have gone out on dates, went back to doing the things I love prior to meeting him, and learned to redirect my mind elsewhere when thoughts of him snuck in.
So why is it, after all this time and hard-earned progress, did I find myself angry...I mean really pissed off at the thought of him today? I haven't been [u]this[u] angry for quite some time.
I don't know...maybe the falling snow brought it on. So many memories of him and I revolve around the snow. In fact, when talking to him just a few weeks ago, he mentioned that everytime it snows, he thinks about me.
Maybe I'm having a hard time because he wont LET me forget him. He contacted me ealier this month, asking me to meet with him...which I declined. He then asked me to spend a day with him, and then see how I feel about him after doing so. I again declined.
He then called me pretending to be someone else, of which I let him know I knew it was him and was not amuzed.
After that, things were quiet for about 2 weeks.
Then Thursday and Friday, he drove past me during my lunch break. He has no reason to be in this area at that time of the day...yet there he was, smiling at me as I passed.
And I don't know why...but today I woke up pissed off. And the more I thought about what he did to me, the cruelty he dealt me...my blood boiled!
I don't know...I just feel SO tired of feeling angry, of him invading my thoughts - I just want it all to go away.
it just sounds like you are having a bad day? its cold its snowing and feeling a little lonely and this guy is refusing to get out of your life.
You be fine, i know you will do great and are doing great. Its just a bad day, tommrow will be all better. Don't even think about doing things to keep yourself busy, do things that interest you and things you always wanted to do now you have more time.
Yes, the anger will go away. My anger has been replaced with a rather sad indifference.
Really, I was mostly angry with myself for allowing myself to become emotionally attached to such a selfish and broken soul. Then I was angry with myself for having to be the bad person and cut them out of my life, to save myself, and my sanity. (He too contacted me on a regular basis, all while involved with his ex and that infuriated me, and he loved that. I finally had to be mean tell him to leave me alone.)
I did have a moment of weakness where I asked my ex if it was worth it. (he cheated and left me for an ex also, then I found out that she recently left him for an ex of her's ...jeez...) Anyway I asked the question and got a vague and arrogant response of basically, "yes, it was worth it".) At least now I can walk away knowing he never really cared about me or my feelings at all, of course I knew this, but when someone is faced with their actions by having them acted out on them...well, I just thought perhaps some growth might have occured, but ...no, none that I can see. Sadly, people who do not learn from life experiences are bound to repeat them, and I think perhaps he has in the past and will again do these types things. He maybe addicted to the drama of betrayl, I don't know. This may have been the final kick in the butt that I needed to completely give up.
You know though I would rather be alone then to be in a bad relationship. I was alone for a time before I met my ex and I remember being content and alone. Also, I have had prior relationships in which I was happy, then heartbroken when it was over. It is only rational to believe I will eventually meet someone and spark another relationship in time.
You will too Tor, met someone else. We just need to be open (but cautious) when it happens. Maybe our respected experiences were reminders from the universe as to what 'not' to settle for.
I do hope when you do find another man, that you will post about it here.
We both deserve better then to be treated as a seasonal doormat. I believe we will find a good guy in time and until then we just have to be our fabulous selves. You have a son that is looking at you for guidence (in word and deed) so you just have to be strong for him.
I believe the anger is quite normal. The illusion of the near to perfect relationship that was once there, and made life prettier and rosier than it really was, coupled to the immense happiness of being *totally* emerged in this feeling, is now no longer.
Letting go of all of this means grief. It also involves *anger*. It means dealing with the fact that you let yourself belief in something that wasn't really real. I do not mean that it didn't exist. It did. And it had its worth. But it simply did not represent life in the reality of everyday.
Tor, perhaps what you can do, is continue to take yourself back, as you have been doing. Now you have to make those moments in which it is snowing *yours* again.
I am hearing ya, Tor. It is important to acknowledge this anger within yourself. To own your pain. This is making me think of the following lines of a British poet, Kathleen Raine, born 1908:
"Take of me what is not my own
my love, my beauty and my poem.
The pain is mine and mine alone"
How are things going with this nice man you recently met?
Magnolia
Last edited by MagnoliaJane; 25th February 2007 at 12:41 PM..
Justified...where have you been keeping yourself lately? Haven't seen you on this board for awhile. Nice to see you back.
Yes, you're right...I was just having a rough day yesterday. Still struggling today but not quite as bad. However, I STILL have the urge to pick up the phone and cuss him out. Not sure why...this is so strange.
I honestly wish he'd leave me alone - just stay out of my site and life. It would make it so much easier for me. I don't contact him nor interfer with his life in any way, shape or form - I just wish he'd pay me the same respect.
I have to tell you, Under...I LOVE that term! "Seasonal doormat"...so very accurate, isn't it?
[quote=underpants;1100954]Really, I was mostly angry with myself for allowing myself to become emotionally attached to such a selfish and broken soul.
Bingo! That's exactly where I'm at. During my little bout of rage yesterday (better today, but still angry), I found myself not only angry at him for the damage he's inflicted, but at myself for ever allowing him into my world. For trusting him, for believing him. And now, I find myself unsure in my ability to detect a "shady" character. This came as a real blow to me because at this point in my life, I honestly thought I had a good, solid grip when it came to detecting the "good" and "bad" when it came to potential mates. But nope...got screwed again! And I'm angry about it...can't help it.
Then I was angry with myself for having to be the bad person and cut them out of my life, to save myself, and my sanity. (He too contacted me on a regular basis, all while involved with his ex and that infuriated me, and he loved that. I finally had to be mean tell him to leave me alone.)
Unreal! Mine kept contacting me throughout the whole time she lived there. Makes me wonder if he contacted her while with me. He finally kicked her out and hasn't stopped trying to contact me...in one form or another. Now here's the kicker. The ex he just kicked out is married, and has since returned to her husband. Is that sick or what???
I did have a moment of weakness where I asked my ex if it was worth it. (he cheated and left me for an ex also, then I found out that she recently left him for an ex of her's ...jeez...) Anyway I asked the question and got a vague and arrogant response of basically, "yes, it was worth it".)
Mine claims the opposite. Says he regretted moving her in and the choice he made almost immediately but didn't know what to do about it. Says he regrets deeply the pain he caused me, wishes there was something he could do to make it up to me, and feels that if I gave it another chance that I could "learn" to trust him again. What, is he high on crack??? I told him there was no chance of us EVER going back, that I will NEVER forgive or trust him for what he did. His response? "Well, if you change your mind, call me." Yeah...like THAT'S ever going to happen!
He maybe addicted to the drama of betrayl, I don't know.
I told my ex that he doesn't want a REAL woman, he wants the excitement and drama that trash can provide. He, of course, fervently denied this. Just kept saying over and over again that it was due to his "stupidity," not desire. Yeah - whatever.
You know though I would rather be alone then to be in a bad relationship.
I second that! At least when you're alone, you don't have to fret about being lied to, cheated on, or screwed in the end.
You will too Tor, met someone else.
Oh, eventually...provided I EVER fully heal from this.
I do hope when you do find another man, that you will post about it here.
Might be awhile.
Thank you for this post, Undie. Just having a tough time right now.
Depending on your personality type why not cuss him out? Do you really owe him the belief that he's worth consideration or respect? For me, I didn't cuss him out but I did express quite clearly to him my thoughts on who he really was. Sometimes it can be quite therapeutic to vent on the object of your distaste and anger. At least you're not trying to hold the anger in or venting on someone who isn't responsible for your dilemma.
Again, it depends on who you are and what you consider appropriate. It does sound like he's playing a nasty game though.
I believe the anger is quite normal. The illusion of the near to perfect relationship that was once there, and made life prettier and rosier than it really was, coupled to the immense happiness of being *totally* emerged in this feeling, is now no longer.
Yes, that's a big part of it. You know, I honestly believed that he and I would finish out our days together. Lord knows HE talked about it enough. We did everything together, made future plans together - and yes, life was so much more satisfying then. So full of promise and happiness...and comfort. HE was the one that encouraged a serious relationship between us. I was the one dragging my feet, feeling that things were going too fast. He was so attentive and loving and fun. Assured me over and over again that he loved me deeply, that he wanted a future with me, that he was over his ex, hated her, if fact, and held no respect for her after what she did. But when the chips were down, who did he choose? HER. And now he comes back to me and tells me that he made a horrible mistake? That in time I'd learn to trust him again? What is he...nuts? I don't know why this has come up and bit me on the butt again, but I hate it. I was doing so well. If he would just leave me alone, get out of my life completely, perhaps I can completely heal.
Letting go of all of this means grief. It also involves *anger*. It means dealing with the fact that you let yourself belief in something that wasn't really real. I do not mean that it didn't exist. It did. And it had its worth. But it simply did not represent life in the reality of everyday.
You know, Mag...at this point I feel the whole damn relationship was nothing but a sham, a lie. And that hurts! While talking to him a few weeks ago, he kept reminding me of old times, of things we did together, of songs, of inside jokes and conversations we had. He then said..."that was love." Uh-huh...and just WHERE was all that *love* when he completely turned his back on me for her? See...I'm getting angry again.
Tor, perhaps what you can do, is continue to take yourself back, as you have been doing. Now you have to make those moments in which it is snowing *yours* again.
You're absolutely right. If only he'd just get the hell out of my life for good.
I am hearing ya, Tor. It is important to acknowledge this anger within yourself. To own your pain. This is making me think of the following lines of a British poet, Kathleen Raine, born 1908:
"Take of me what is not my own
my love, my beauty and my poem.
The pain is mine and mine alone"
What a beautiful poem! Thank you for sharing it with me. Rings so very true.
How are things going with this nice man you recently met?
Went out on our first date last week, and although there were no sparks (on my side, anyway), he would like to go out again. Not sure if I want to, sorta on the fense about it right now.
Just don't know if I can stomach the "romantic arena" right now.
Depending on your personality type why not cuss him out?
Oh, I'm quite capable of cussing him out. And really, it would do me wonders. Problem is, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me this bad. He's playing this crappy little game with the hope that he'll get a reaction from me, and if I do, then it will only reinforce his sick behavior.
Do you really owe him the belief that he's worth consideration or respect?
No! Quite the opposite, actually. He deserves nothing but scorn from me, but to be honest, I don't even want to give him THAT much. Yet, another part of me says that it doesn't matter what he thinks, right now I'm pissed and I'd like to give it to him full barrells. It belongs to him, so why not?
For me, I didn't cuss him out but I did express quite clearly to him my thoughts on who he really was. Sometimes it can be quite therapeutic to vent on the object of your distaste and anger. At least you're not trying to hold the anger in or venting on someone who isn't responsible for your dilemma.
In a way, I did tell him what I thought about him, the dysfunctional person that it is. Both in a letter and in a phone conversation. His response? To create a different "persona" and attempted to call me under this "fake" ID. What the hell was that all about? What did he hope to achieve by this? Like I said...he's a nutjob.
Again, it depends on who you are and what you consider appropriate. It does sound like he's playing a nasty game though.
Yes, he most certainly is. Calls me...asks to meet with me, to "hang out" for a day to see how I felt about him afterwards. When I refused, he then calls me under a fake persona. When that didn't work, he made sure to drive by me during my lunch break. He's not from this area, in fact, lives about 15 miles from here so there really was no reason for him to be in these parts. It's as though he's trying to stay in my sight and mind...doesn't want me to forget him or move on.
I feel for you. A violation of trust is the most hurtful experience that can occur in a relationship. I think analytically in terms of opportunity costs, and get pissed at the person who violated my trust AND pissed at myself. What was real feels fake after trust is violated. Any person who lives a life with integrity struggles with these feelings. What angers me most of all is thinking "I have to keep my guard up and not get hurt like this again." I know I don't have to, but I am fearful.
I'd advise you to go out with this man one more time; I know many women who didn't feel sparks or attraction on date one but DID on date two.
[quote=oppath;1101341]A violation of trust is the most hurtful experience that can occur in a relationship.
To my way of thinking, a violation of trust equals death to the relationship. There's no going back after that, or, at least, not in my world. He really killed it this time and he's GOT to know that. If I went back after what he did, it would be at the cost of my own self-worth, my dignity...and NO man is worth that high of price. Still, though...I'm angry that he cost us BOTH what COULD have been a good future together. But then, I have to remind myself that I really didn't lose anything. He's actions proved that it was nothing more than a mere mirage.
I think analytically in terms of opportunity costs, and get pissed at the person who violated my trust AND pissed at myself. What was real feels fake after trust is violated.
Absolutely! No matter how much they attempt to back peddle, to assure you that they did (do) love you...it boils down to their ACTIONS. When the chips are down, REAL love won't allow the type of treatment you and I were dealt. And that's what we need to focus on...especially when they come around singing their BS song. ACTIONS.
Any person who lives a life with integrity struggles with these feelings. What angers me most of all is thinking "I have to keep my guard up and not get hurt like this again." I know I don't have to, but I am fearful.
Oh, you betcha! Right now, you and I are damaged goods. If we escape this on a temporary basis, then we'll be fine. BUT - if that damage becomes permanent, then you and I are in deep trouble because we'll never be able to bring that wall down long enough to allow a good man in. In fact, we could end up losing good men because of our trust issues. And really, are these losers WORTH our future happiness??
But I do completely understand what you're saying. I'm in the same boat. Wondering if I'll EVER be able to trust again. And with that view point, the world is looking might bleak to me today.
I'd advise you to go out with this man one more time; I know many women who didn't feel sparks or attraction on date one but DID on date two.
Yeah, you're probably right. It just seems so strange being out with another man. I think part of it is I just can't seem to work the enthusiasm up to begin again with someone new. But I guess I've got to start somewhere, huh?
My violation of trust was not as bad as yours, and we were only together 6 months, but any violation of trust is unforgiveable. Basically, her ex asked for her back and proposed to her 2 weeks before she dumped me. I found out about it 4 weeks after the break up. She told a friend it had nothing to do with the break up, but it doesn't matter. It was still deceitful and hurtful to hear. To hide that is not forgiveable. I know I can't control the ex, but for that to even happen is a violation of trust, because while I knew they were in contact as "friends", it shouldn't have even been able to happen considering she claimed to love me.
But this is about you, not me. You are doing well in my opinion. You will have painful days. Re: dating? Of course it feels weird being with other men. It will until you meet someone your really like. Even then it may take a couple meetings. You've had time to grieve and are over him in the sense you would not ever take him back. Another part of the healing process is learning to trust and love again. You won't truly be over your ex until you take those risks via dating someone who excites you. This is not the same as rebounding or filling a void.
My advice is to take all the time it takes. There's no need to rush into another relationship. Sure, a good relationship means comfort, true. But you sound like a really strong, independent and intelligent woman, and sad but true- a lot of people have issues. Therefore, being in a relationship is not necessarily the one and only answer. There's so much do to in the world, and as an independent woman, you can do much of that on your own. So, go and explore a little. If you feel like taking a trip to NYC, just let me know
I'm kind of angry at myself too, that I allowed my now-ex to win me over as his gf (when we first met) with lots of pretty words and attention. It really felt to me that I was "more special (to him) than anyone else". Truth is, deep in my heart, I wanted and had a craving desire to believe that. Now that I've come to my senses, I can see that it were only a handful of cheap words of love, which, at the end of the day, meant nothing. I believe love is not a blindfold used to lead people on, but it's deep and genuine respect and loyalty, and a commitment to stay loyal. My ex, well, he's loyal... to himself. He makes his choices based on his instincts, what feels good today is ok, as long as it feels good. Meanwhile, he pretends to be such a caring person... Wow, isn't that deep and meaningful (sarcastic grin).
Anyway, you've been burned and you have learned. Don't underestimate the resilience of the human mind and heart. Once you've taken yourself back, you'll see. After the anger, there will be a new phase... and eventually you will arrive at romantic indifference.
Tor, this all HAS BEEN really painful for you, but thank God you found out sooner than later that he is absolutely no relationship material.
He is playing these "games" with you because you let him. You let him contact you. You let him get in your head. How do you expect to move past somebody when you are in contact with them? Especially when they violated your trust as this one did? Honestly I don't see how it can be done. I don't see how one can really move forward at all in this situation.
I understand why you get mad. I really do. I still get mad myself and I'm 9 months out.
However, my opinion is that it would be best to remove this person from your life. This is total NC. You need to do this in order to start getting them out of your system.
You will find that after a period of time of NC, they can no longer DO things to you. Feelings that you have are a result of things that happened in the past and things that YOU do to yourself. You are no longer trying to control another person. You are fully responsible for how you feel and how you move forward.
I'm not saying it will be easy or that you will be able to control how you feel. But bottom line is that YOU will be the one in charge with nobody else to blame.
At the moment he is still in your life, contacting you, and you are letting it happen. You are able to blame him for things he does and things he did. You are not in full control of your healing. It sucks, I have been there.
Consider going NC. It is your decision. Once you do it however, stick to it. For one thing it will help you heal. For another thing it is not nice to go NC and keep breaking it. This is called the silent treatment and not good for either person.
I would try going without any contact at all. Do you have caller ID? I would screen my calls. You might feel better once you stop dealing with his constant phone calls. It's tough, but it might be necessary.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Dealing with anger
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