I don't even know where to start to explain this. I am having such a hard time coping with all the stuff that is going on with my life, and I can't fight the feeling that I just want to crawl under a rock and wait for it all to pass, but I know that running away is not the solution.
I am having such a hard time seeing the good in things right now, and it's killing me because normally I'm such an optomistic person. I am always the one that finds the bright side in situations, but I have so much being thrown at me that I can't even do that right now.
The past six months have been horrible. My home life is rocky at best, and it's all I can do to focus on the day to day things without going insane there. Both of my kids have been diagnosed with ADHD. The older one is finally doing better, getting his grades up and focusing on school, but my six year old is out of control at times. He just started medication last week, and I know that it takes time for it to work (just as it did with the older one) but in the mean time he throws temper tantrums left and right because he's frustrated and he can't focus on anything. He has it way worse than my older son ever did, and sometimes I wonder if we will be sane by the time things get on track for him. It's frustrating for him, for his brother, and for my husband and I as well, as it's a daily battle for all of us. If it was the only thing that we were dealing with, I'm sure that we could make it okay, but with everything else, I'm beginning to question my sanity.
As I mentioned in another thread, cancer seems to have taken ahold of my family and won't let go. My aunt died in November of pancreatic cancer, and it happened so suddenly that we barely had time to realize what was happening and she was gone. I never even got to say goodbye.
And my grandpa has lung cancer that has gone to his brain, and my mom called today and he has taken a sudden turn for the worse. He is starting to hallucinate and get agitated, tearing his oxygen tubes out and they've had to sedate him. My mom says that half the time he doesn't even know where he is or who he's talking to, and this has all happened within the span of a week. I saw him last week and he was weak but he seemed to be doing fine... his mental facilities were fairly normal and he was eating and everything. Now the nurse says she puts the food in his mouth and he doesn't even know what to do with it. If he stops eating, they say it will only be a matter of days before he is gone. My mom said that I shouldn't even go see him because he won't know who I am and I really don't want to remember him the way he is now. But I don't know if I would feel worse if I never got to say goodbye either.
To top it off, I've been sick with bronchitis and CAN'T go see him, because there is a chance that he could get sick from me and die even sooner.
I've been in bed for 4 days and I feel like crap still, but I still have a family and a life that I have to take care of, be strong for.
And then today was horrible at work... I am being written up for the first time EVER because I was using the computer too much at work. It doesn't even matter that the things I was using it for were work related. I'm a teacher and I put all my notes for my students in Power Point form, so I do a lot of searches for information and pictures to include in these. They only see it as I am using the computer during instructional time, but when else do they expect me to do it?
Anyway, I could go on and on, these things are only the tip of the iceberg it seems. I HATE feeling this way, so helpless and out of control. My stress level has been so high that I'm sure it is contributing to my not getting over this stupid illness any faster. I am just so overwhelmed that all I can do is sit here and cry, and I can't focus on anything else. Thankfully my kids are gone for the night, but I really have to pull it together before they come home tomorrow and I don't know how.
I'm sorry to write such a negative post, but I am hoping that maybe by venting some of this that I can find a way to cope without losing my mind. Has anyone ever felt such overwhelming anxiety about life that they can't function? I know I am not alone, but I could really use some coping strategies or even just someone to say that I'm not totally insane for feeling this way.
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