Not to discriminate anyone (I do appreciate some of the BW insight, some of them are really cool, smart and non judgamental) However this thread is specific to OW perspective...
What did your MM do for you that no other man had done for u in the past? Little actions that proved his love to you, (I m not talking about the BIG actions, or the lack of them (such as leaving ther wife) but as a couple what are or were the little things that make you stay with him?
Why do you stay or stay/ed with mm?
Not to discriminate anyone (I do appreciate some of the BW insight, some of them are really cool, smart and non judgamental) However this thread is specific to OW perspective...
What did your MM do for you that no other man had done for u in the past? Little actions that proved his love to you, (I m not talking about the BIG actions, or the lack of them (such as leaving ther wife) but as a couple what are or were the little things that make you stay with him?
Why do you stay or stay/ed with mm?
I'm not with MM any longer but we are still friends.
To be honest -- our A was based on an attraction we felt towards one another that we both mutually agreed to act on. We were both married and well aware of each other's spouses. At first it was just FWB sort of thing.
He didn't do anything, nor say anything that made me stay with him. The problem was I fell in love with him. That complicated things. That is when I realized I was getting myself in way too deep as I was leaving a marriage and he wasn't. Again -- complicated things more.
So in my case -- there was never any false promises of a future with XMM. Other than spending a couple days on a weekend get away with each other, we never exchanged gifts or anything else other than a close friendship. I knew up front from the beginning where I stood.
At first being with MM was a dream come true, swept away. He was wonderful, caring and kind. He would say little things, how sexy I was.
One time when we were running I was pooped but I kept on. Despite being red in the face, sweating like crazy, I remember he leaned in to me and said I ran so sexy! That kept me going for another 2 miles.
He would buy me things that interested me. Not that i was expecting anything, but he would say to me "I need to remember that you like..... so I can get it for you".
He loved this certain perfume, always commented on it and how he could smell it through out the day and that he was reminded of me when he did. What made that even more special is that he didn't like perfume, but that he particularly liked it when I wore perfume. Once we were swimming and he just commented, "I can even smell you in the water".
Once I ran a half marathon, he couldn't, had an injury but he drove his car along with me while I ran! And then he was at the end when I was done. That is something I will never forget and it was something my ex husband never did or said.
I miss the massages he would give me. I miss going to get a massage. He would be in the next room, listening to my conversation with the masseus. (You know how masseuses or others who you are paying for their services talk and ask you questions). And then he would tell me how proud he was of how accomplished I am as a woman. I know what he meant by that. I work full time, have kids to care for, have a master's degree and work another job and then I run and train. he had even encouraged me to go pursue my PhD.
His wife stays at home and does nothing. I mean no ill will by that, but xMM was frustrated with that.
Once we went out to eat and he wanted to go get my food and asked me how and what I wanted. That made me swoon! Again, something the ex husband never did.
Once when we spent Sunday mornings together we were talking about the loss of our mothers. His mother died about two years ago, at the time my mother had died about one month ago. I was talking about my mom and I started to cryout of the blue. He just reached over and held on to me until I stopped crying and listened to what I had to say.
Another sunday morning, I was having difficulties with my daughter and I was in a bad mood, I told him so, so instead of doing what we normally do or did, we just sat at the kitchen table ate breakfast and talked. He just sat down and said " I am here to listen" and we just talked. That was one of the times when he told me a lot about his family and his W. He never would tell me much, only a few things here and there.
When he did these litle things it made me just fall more, I knew it was going to be hard, but I also knew I wanted to do and say little things back for him and I did.
This is a good, but difficult post for me. Reminds me so much of what i miss from him. We had so much going on between us, and too many damn paralells to our lives that when the whole A ended it was just a brutal shock, even though it needed to be.
I could go on, but not sure if that is a healthy thing for me to do right now.
__________________
The answer is.....
There is no answer.
WH wrote several love poems to his xOW. I swear there was about 15 love poems her own H gave to me that he found in her dresser drawer. If I were her reading those poems I would of been so touched. He said such wonderful things to her. It killed me so much to read his words to her. I cried a lot when friends told me of their A but when I read those poems it made it more clear to me how he felt about her. Each word tore my heart apart piece by piece. The one part that killed me the most was him saying he wanted to share his life, his dreams, and his (our) kids w/ her. That part not only hurt like he!! but it pissed me off! No way in he!! would my kids have accepted her. Maybe eventually but it never came close to that b/c he woke up and realized what he was missing, us.
I know she did a lot for him. She bought him shirts from an upscale clothing store and a nice watch from the local jewlery store. I know he did take her and her kids out to eat a few times. He paid for a motel room when they all (her and her kids) went out of town for a weekend.
well, i was with MM because i loved him and i believed he loved me, okay maybe he did not love me enough, but i still felt that in his own way, he did love me. he said i made him happy and he made me happy. i have been depressed for a long time, and happiness and love are things i have not experienced much in my life. to get those things from a MM was bittersweet of course.
Not to discriminate anyone (I do appreciate some of the BW insight, some of them are really cool, smart and non judgamental) However this thread is specific to OW perspective...
What did your MM do for you that no other man had done for u in the past? Little actions that proved his love to you, (I m not talking about the BIG actions, or the lack of them (such as leaving ther wife) but as a couple what are or were the little things that make you stay with him?
Why do you stay or stay/ed with mm?
He is very caring, romantic, great lover.The better lover I ever have.But what I liked the best is his little surprises. Last year I was studing at night and one day I got to my car in the dark scaring parking lot and a found a stuffed animal and a love note from him hangging in my door.It wasn't any special date.Once he wrote me 32 reasons why he loved me, later he add more 12 .He always did something special for holidays. When I was having problems with my xH or any other thing that upseted me he would hold me tight and let me cry untiL I was done .Once I felt better he would kiss me and tell me how much he loved me.I am still with him,I tried to break up, but I missed his hugs the most.I feel very secure in his arms.He can be very sweet. Well, enough now, there are much more these are the few reasons that come to my mind.Now I miss him!
When we are married and not getting the passionate love making we once did years ago....It is this and only this that makes ones heart swell...It is not the things they do for you....It is the way we are loved....It becomes an unhealthy addiction....
He spent the week with me taking care of me after surgery...he had left one morning early to go work-out...when I awoke and went to the kitchen, I saw a single pink rose on the counter...it was propped up with a card that had my name on it...I was so surprised...(at first i was like who did this?) and I read the card that he gave me...it was the most touching, romantic card I have EVER received...the print on the card was romantic and then he wrote his thoughts and feelings in the middle...when I got that I can't even explain how I felt...
And he spent all the holidays with me, which I know was a huge risk for him...
And the daily calls and texts....
And the days and nights we spent together...we were not only lovers but friends...
And how he lied about the most important things in life...it's like the person I fell in love with didn't even exist...
There is really not much that MM does for me he is just there to listen, talk to and makes me laugh. When we spend time together he just kisses and holds me as much as possible because our time is short. I can tell alot just by the way that he looks at me and smiles. That is good enought for me!
Green Eyed Lady and KymberAnn, I actually don't understand why these MM aren't with you both? I mean, those guys actions seem like love, yet they live their lives with another woman? I genuinely don't understand...they'd treat you so sweetly, then are actually mentally able to switch off and go home to a family? Do you think they are that caring to their W as well? Just don't understand it...
Green Eyed Lady and KymberAnn, I actually don't understand why these MM aren't with you both? I mean, those guys actions seem like love, yet they live their lives with another woman? I genuinely don't understand...they'd treat you so sweetly, then are actually mentally able to switch off and go home to a family? Do you think they are that caring to their W as well? Just don't understand it...
I wish that I could PM you TS...
But I can say this, I know that he loved me...but whatever is keeping him there is more important to him than our love...
He doesn't work a 9-5 job, so he's not there that much and I know that from his schedule and type of work he does...
And he lied about some important things, so I don't know how he really treats her because I've never seen her or had to see them together...
And I do think that he'll eventually leave, but I can't wait forever...
The most profound 'thing' that he did for me was to help me communicate. I had a very high wall around me. I initially come across as a very cold and unemotional person. He broke through that wall. He taught me that my thoughts and emotions are important. That it is okay to tell others how I feel. The wall is still there, but I let more people over it now than I ever did before. And he always appreciated how difficult it was for me to express myself. And he knew that if I had to to do it in an email, that I was really just opening the door for discussion, but that I had to start off in a less imposing way.
The other smaller things...
He always made time to see me each weekday - even just for a quick hug...(I think I miss this most )
He unexpectedly came and spent the night with me when I had surgery. I was so concerned making sure that someone was caring for my kids that night, that it never crossed my mind that I might need to be taken care of...
The way we always touched...whether it was shoulders brushing while we walked, a hand on the knee, brushing my hair off my face...and what was conveyed through those touches...we could feel when something was "off" with the other...
The way he always told me I was beautiful...
The honesty...
The hours on the phone just talking about anything and everything...
The support when I was taking a tough course...bringing me dinner because he knew I wouldn't remember to eat when I was studying...
There is really not much that MM does for me he is just there to listen, talk to and makes me laugh. When we spend time together he just kisses and holds me as much as possible because our time is short. I can tell alot just by the way that he looks at me and smiles. That is good enought for me!
This is so true! I am a simple girl, I like to keep things that way...a kiss on the back of my hand, how he'll just rest his hand on my leg when we're watching TV, acting silly to see me laugh and smile, a call, a text, leaving work an hour early for just a kiss, and the way he looks at me like he can read my thoughts. Sometimes when we are just sitting there looking at each other he will whisper in my ear "I know, me too"...those words melt my heart!
Honestly? The most impressive thing he did was let me go gracefully when I decided I wanted more out of life than to always be in hiding, waiting for a precious hour of his time. He didn't keep trying to reel me back in once I made my decision; he respected my wishes and we parted dear friends.
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