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my first day of NC, i am not handling it very well
hello everyone . i just feel like telling someone what i am going through.i have been in a relationshpi with a younger person for 1 and a half years . i broke it off yesterday , hoping it will give him the chance to evaluate his behaviour and yet he feels hurt and doent call or IM at all. I was the one who always stood by him , supported him through everything , helpd him a lot with his issues , helped him out financially , giving him all my attention .He was the one i lived for , and he was not giving back any of it . He loved me , maybe he still does. He spent as much time as he could with me , telling me how much he loves me through text messages almost every hour when we were appart , he was very jelous for absolutely no reason , he didnt want anything near me just himself , i was getting jelous too , because he showed himself bothered if i talked with male colleagues so i naturally did the same when he talked with female colleagues , hoping he would realise how stupid we were for doing so . But it only cause big fights but always getting back together the same day .i had been going through some serios problems and i needed his support , i was desperate and i thought he would make me feel better , yet he tryed to proove i have nothing to worry about and always talked about his problems with me . I started to feel frustrated and during the past month i pointed out almost every day how bad that made me feel . On valentines day it was the final attitude that made me go mad . I bought this person expensive gifts always on every occasion , never expecting back because i knew he did not have money and i assumed if he would have been in my shoes he would do the same for me . On this valentines day i knew he had some money he received from a relative , and i was anxious to feel surprized by him somehow knoing that he now has the means . He simply came to my home and gave me a small teddy bear and that was it , no flowers , no cards , nothing . i bought him my gift and gave it to him before valentines day .It was what he wanted for a long time , a ski equipment . I felt really bad and unvaluable when i saw that bear that i burst into tears , and start acusing him of not appreciating me . He said that for him it was a nice gift which meant he thought about me and i shouldnt judge the gift by its value , yet i feel he finally would have had the chance to show me how much he appreciated the stuff he got from me , and be able to surprise me . So i tell him it is over and call hi a selfish person and that i want to be myself and start loving me a little cause i only focused on his needs and mine did not matter . He tries to kiss me but i reject him and he leave sadly home . Then after some hours he sends me an IM asking me f i loved him , i replied that i do (it wont pass from a moment to the other). Then he asks if i want us back together . I say no i dont . and stay in no contact till the other day . Then he asks me again if i dont want to be with him again because he wants that so bad and he loves me very much , i replied that no i dont and i wont change my mind . he than stops talking to me . Towards the evening i started a conversation with him about something i needed from him urgently , and he answers in a very polite friendly way , not asking about us at all , and keeping the conversation to that level . Since last night i havent heard from him , although he knows i have to go to the hospital tonight for a difficult surgery. I know my post is really long but i would appreciate so much your oppinion on this . Please tell me how can he act so cold ?what is he trying to proove with his behaviour ? is he over me ?so soon? that means he never loved me? i feel so bad and it hurts so much especially now when i am facing this medical problem by myself . Thank you so much for reading.
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