My boyfriend told me this weekend that he thinks he loves me uncondtionally. That there is nothing I can do to make him judge me or stop caring about me. He said he wasn't sure whether or not this was good as unconditional means he is not constantly on his toes about me since I can do pretty much anything and his feelings don't change. He is afraid that with this kind of relationship I will start to think he takes me for granted. Not exactly sure what he meant, but anyway. My questions.
Do you think unconditional love is the ultimate goal in relationships? Is it important in a long-term one, or can it be detrimental?
We broke up recently for two months but got back together and have basically morphed into being best friends that are relaly affectionate, take care of each other, spend almost every moment together, and have sex. I've definitely never loved him (or anyone) more than I do now but it's almost like my feelings have changed into very familial ones (esp. after a recent crisis we went through together), although of course I am still highly attracted to him. I guess I am just afraid to go down this path because I worry he will miss that butterfly passion that comes from not knowing what is up the other person's sleeve....
I'm know being unclear but it's because I've never been in this part of a relationship before. He is my first real boyfriend and previously, after the honeymoon phase (which lasted more than a year with him and was GREAT), I think our relationship consisted of unmet expectations on both sides. We didn't know how to handle not being in the honeymoon phase anymore and eventually the stress of that broke us up. Now we are back together and it is completley changed and I am not sure what to make of it. I am hoping someone with more experience who has gone through this kind of thing will tell me what is happening.
Do you think unconditional love is the ultimate goal in relationships? Is it important in a long-term one, or can it be detrimental?
I guess I am just afraid to go down this path because I worry he will miss that butterfly passion that comes from not knowing what is up the other person's sleeve
I cannot have a committed long term relationship without giving and also receiving unconditional love. It's not something that happens overnight - but evolves over a period of time.
Why would one want to wonder "what's up the other person's sleeve"? That sounds a bit sinister and a bit hidden-agenda-like.
I still had that excited "love" and "in love" feeling - and probably even more so - once I felt that unconditional love. And that just grew over time.
BUT - I strongly believe that only those who truly love and accept themselves unconditionally can do so in return.
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I don't think unconditional love is so much a goal as a sort of by-product of having long term intimacy with someone. And IMO it's always a good thing to have unconditional love. But as states above a necessary pre-requisite is the ability to unconditionally love yourself. that has to happen before you can love anyone else unconditionally.
To me, not knowing what is up the other person's sleeve is kind of anxiety inducing, so I can't really say that's something I've ever sought to preserve in a relationship.
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I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
I don't think there is something like true unconditional love, maybe the love for a child but not in romantic relationships, it's just a romantic ideal.
I'm not drinking from the trough of unconditional love
I doubt that I would experience any kind of positive emotion towards any person who would consciously and repeatedly harm others.
To everyone that believes in unconditional love in a romantic relationship...does that mean, for example, that you will and would love your SO that repeatedly cheats on you, repeatedly puts you down publicly and privately, repeatedly punches you in your face and so on...well does it?
If your answer to the above question is "yes" then tell me what that says about your unconditional love for yourself that you would allow someone else to treat you so badly and still love them "unconditionally."
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Don't drink the koolaid
To everyone that believes in unconditional love in a romantic relationship...does that mean, for example, that you will and would love your SO that repeatedly cheats on you, repeatedly puts you down publicly and privately, repeatedly punches you in your face and so on...well does it?
If your answer to the above question is "yes" then tell me what that says about your unconditional love for yourself that you would allow someone else to treat you so badly and still love them "unconditionally."
This is a very silly comment. Of course it doesn't mean that. In order to maintain UL, each partner must act in a way that can perpetuate it. There are responsibilities that come with UL, it's not something that is just bestowed on someone for no reason.
The term unconditional love does not apply to "events" that can occur and ruin a relationhip. It applies to more static traits and qualities. To unconditionally love someone, you love their personality, faults, weaknesses, appearance, and silly quirks. Once an event occurs that is disruptive to a relationaship, UL goes out the window...
...or at leat it should more often than it seems to. Some people hang on too long.
Well said Krytellan and Craig - of course it doesn't mean any of those things. Unconditional love has many facets - of which mutual respect, trust, support, love & understanding, as well as acceptance of each other's "faults" (for want of a better word) are a few of those facets.
But Craig - that's fine if you don't believe in it. You will no doubt have relationships on the same "understanding". Each to their own....
Last edited by justagirlforever; 12th February 2007 at 12:40 PM..
It's a great trick to use so that you don't have to get married to them. Works every time. "We don't need a piece of paper - I love you unconditionally." Of course, you can love one unconditionally whilst banging another. No conflict.
This is a very silly comment. Of course it doesn't mean that. In order to maintain UL, each partner must act in a way that can perpetuate it. There are responsibilities that come with UL, it's not something that is just bestowed on someone for no reason.
Then it's conditional upon those actions, responsibilities, and reasons.
__________________ I wake up in the morning and piss excellence.
I can think I love someone unconditionally... that means that I'll love a person that isn't the type of person to get violent against me, betray me, become my enemy, mistreat my kids, and so on, no matter what happens to her.
If she gets sick or injured and can't do things that she used to do, I'll still stick with her and take care of her and do whatever she needs done.
But if she turns into a different person, or I discover that I was wrong about the type of person she was, and she does deliberately mistreat me in some serious way that I thought she wouldn't be capable of, then I'd have to move on.
That's what is really meant by unconditional love... I love the person that I think you are unconditionally. If I'm right, then I'm yours for life, come what may.
If you want to keep the excitement and keep this guy on his toes....
don't be available for him 24/7. Don't spend all weekend with him. Have other plans. See him no more than 2 times a week. Don't call him. Let him call you. Return calls every once in a while. Don't tell him everything and everyone you do other things with like go to movies, etc. Be nice to him, of course.....but don't be so available.
He is getting too familiar with you and bored. There's no mystery left about you, there's nothing new for him to learn about you. The 'chase' and excitement is gone. Have other plans on Friday nights sometimes, don't have a routine of automatically spending it with him.
Gotta shake things up a bit and get him wondering....get The Rules. Do these things, you will be a more independent woman with your own interests who doesn't hang around constantly with her boyfriend and become too familiar (and boring) to him. It's not playing games, it's becoming your own person. Yes, you can (and should) use the rules even if you have been together a long time, even after married.
They will work.
I have been doing this on a guy I have been seeing a month and he has already called me his girlfriend and calls me a few times a day. Drives him crazy that I am not so predictable and not falling all over him and chasing him like he's used to (he's rich & good looking so he's got lots of women after him) and not calling him. You have to get this feeling with this guy because right now, I'm sorry, in about 6 months he's going to break up with you, as magichands said...he's not thinking marriage with you.
Last edited by the_total_package; 12th February 2007 at 1:56 PM..
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and Craig - of course it doesn't mean any of those things. Unconditional love has many facets - of which mutual respect, trust, support, love & understanding, as well as acceptance of each other's "faults" (for want of a better word) are a few of those facets.
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