I met my mm yesterday and we both were feeling very guilty. I ended up being his therapist as he talked about he knows he has to leave his W, but wants to leave her because he wants to and not because of me. I told him I was leaving my H and not because of him , but because i have not been in love with in some time.
For both of us there is so much history with our spouses. He talked about how badly his wife treats him and because i know her half of it is true and the other half is him and his actions. Anyways, he keeps asking me how this is going to play out because he wants to be with me, but isn't sure how . Is he one of those guys that needs someone there when he leaves her.
He also told me something that really hurt me. He told me he loves me , but isn't sure to what capacity because he is still married. I told him I am married and I know I am in love with you. Is there any merit in this statement. I want to believe we have a shot, but then I think there is no way. so much has to happen for us to be together. I just think in the back of mind he will never leave,because most mm don't. He definately is not one of the stronger ones. He wants a month to figure it out. Is he blowing smoke and should I care with everything I have going on. I feel if he really wants to be with me he will find a way!!
He talked about how badly his wife treats him and because i know her half of it is true and the other half is him and his actions.
eek. Is he not admitting his part in the problems..?
And he's saying he's not sure how much he loves you..?
And he's 'one of those who needs a safety net'.
OK... well you have three good reasons here to back away and let him do some work before you even go there. I'd stand well clear... see what his actions are, if any. Because it sounds to me like even if he leaves... it will be all your fault.
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"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." ~ H. G. Wells
Hi Frannie i love your advice you have pegged him except for the fact that he has admitted his faults in the marriage. Should I go NC until he figures out what he is doing. I laid it out all the table he knows my feelings so now it is up to him. He is so guilt ridden of what him leaving is going to do and I still think he has not given her chance to make it right. Although I know her and she will not change even if he thinks she is losing him. So I guess i leave him alone until he can figure out. What do you think about the one month time line. Is that a line of bull to keep me on the string?
Hi Frannie i love your advice you have pegged him except for the fact that he has admitted his faults in the marriage. Should I go NC until he figures out what he is doing. I laid it out all the table he knows my feelings so now it is up to him. He is so guilt ridden of what him leaving is going to do and I still think he has not given her chance to make it right. Although I know her and she will not change even if he thinks she is losing him. So I guess i leave him alone until he can figure out. What do you think about the one month time line. Is that a line of bull to keep me on the string?
Can I chime in? Yes, the timeline is his way of stringing you along. IF the marriage was truly over, and he wanted out, he would be moving out as we speak. If he asks you to "hold on", "give him time", "be patient", the guy is stringing you along. He has no intentions of leaving, and you should walk away, to protect yourself.
Ok well I'm glad he's admitting his part in the downfall of their relationship.
Asking me about timelines... a month seems a pathetically small amount of time. I've been in this situation three years and he's still thinking about it. Still not sure. Still weighing up pros and cons. They can go on forever. In my honest heart I'd say... never wait.
But sometimes, it works out.
But a month is nothing... no time at all to decide anything.
I have no clue, really. I don't think there are any rules. What I would like is for people who made it work to come and post their stories. Then we could all learn from those.
I've been in this situation three years and he's still thinking about it. Still not sure. Still weighing up pros and cons.
Dang. Do you seriously think he will ever leave? After 3 years, how can you continue fooling yourself into believing he will? And I am so not attacking you. I feel for you, as I was an OW too. But, frannie, chances are, as long as you continue to hold on, he will continue to make excuses. You deserve to be with a man to whom you are Number 1.....not second fiddle.
Dang. Do you seriously think he will ever leave? After 3 years, how can you continue fooling yourself into believing he will? And I am so not attacking you. I feel for you, as I was an OW too. But, frannie, chances are, as long as you continue to hold on, he will continue to make excuses. You deserve to be with a man to whom you are Number 1.....not second fiddle.
Audero,
I waited over 5 years. I'm glad I did too. He is divorced now & we're together. It was hard to hold on that long but I feel it is so worth it now.
Audero,
I waited over 5 years. I'm glad I did too. He is divorced now & we're together. It was hard to hold on that long but I feel it is so worth it now.
I'm not saying it is impossible. Just saying the chances are slim. Most MM having affairs do not actually end up leaving their wives.
Audero,
I waited over 5 years. I'm glad I did too. He is divorced now & we're together. It was hard to hold on that long but I feel it is so worth it now.
Kathleen....did you ever go through the things some of us OW are experiencing. The stringing along, MM backing away...etc?
I'm not saying it is impossible. Just saying the chances are slim. Most MM having affairs do not actually end up leaving their wives.
If I may ask, why did he make you wait 5 years?
He didn't make me wait, I chose to wait. I never pushed him to get a divorce & he didn't feel the need to run right out & file either. His xw has a steady bf now & I've been with him now for 7 years. He & his xw felt it was just a peice of paper. No big deal.
He filed & it was finalized.
And Audero, thanks for being so understanding. I am sure it's greatly appreciated.
Kathleen....did you ever go through the things some of us OW are experiencing. The stringing along, MM backing away...etc?
Oh yes. Heartbreaking too. Almost all of what you & others went/go thru. Except him backing away. That was never an issue.
Just an ei., he'd go to the marital shore home in the summer for 3 weeks, not consecutive, it was brutal on me at times.
Anyway, yes I know all too well the pain.
It just worked out for us.
I wish everyone here happy endings too, in whatever situation you may be in!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He didn't make me wait, I chose to wait. I never pushed him to get a divorce & he didn't feel the need to run right out & file either. His xw has a steady bf now & I've been with him now for 7 years. He & his xw felt it was just a peice of paper. No big deal.
He filed & it was finalized.
And Audero, thanks for being so understanding. I am sure it's greatly appreciated.
At the risk of highjacking this thread, let me ask this. From what you posted, it seems he wasn't even with his now-ex for quite sometime. Married on paper, but not living together. If that is the case, I don't consider that "cheating" anyway. The marriage is already over, even if the courts haven't yet stamped the paperwork.
At the risk of highjacking this thread, let me ask this. From what you posted, it seems he wasn't even with his now-ex for quite sometime. Married on paper, but not living together. If that is the case, I don't consider that "cheating" anyway. The marriage is already over, even if the courts haven't yet stamped the paperwork.
I don't know. It was cheating. I was the ow for a little while. 2 years before he moved out of the marital home. So yes, he cheated & I was the ow.
That's why I post here. Just trying to give advice & offer a shoulder.
I just wonder if you both went completely into NC mode (in the sense of talking personally and ending affair as I know it's impossible not to talk to him due to the fact he's a neighbour, so paths will cross) don't you (and him) feel that each of you OWE it to your own spouses to give your marriages the absolute best effort to see if it's salvagable? I mean, it seems neither of you have done this - Given your own spouses 100% focus, attention and love. To give it all a chance to see if the love is really there. History, family entwined, children involved, a whole life as you both know it - TO GIVE UP ON?
Let's put it this way, if there wasn't an affair to begin with and NO MM in your life at all, would you still be thinking of leaving your husband and getting a divorce? Please, think about your answer honestly. You don't have to reply if you don't want to, it's just something you need to think about before jumping ship.
but not for my MM to decide he was leaving his M. I don't really think I could have handled that. Plus - that would be too nebulous of a thing for me to deal with.
I waited while he did X Y and Z, things he needed to do prior to leaving. I then saw action and concrete proof that X Y and Z were getting done. When Z was completed, he left.
My opinion is only to wait if you know EXACTLY what you are waiting for, otherwise, it is a waste of your time. Easy to say, I know, but I think it is true.
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Do you seriously think he will ever leave? After 3 years, how can you continue fooling yourself into believing he will? And I am so not attacking you. I feel for you, as I was an OW too. But, frannie, chances are, as long as you continue to hold on, he will continue to make excuses. You deserve to be with a man to whom you are Number 1.....not second fiddle. 
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